Always Mine {Book 3}| Completed

Part II: Chapter Seven

E M M A P O V:

They say it's the hardest part of saying goodbye. They say it's easier to hold it all in. And they expect you not to cry. They expect you to move on in a few months time. They expect you to not be reckless. They expect you to act normal like nothing is wrong. They expect you to do everything right and to not make mistakes when something is a big manufactured disaster.

They want you not to sit still and holler out in sadness. They want you to be fine. They expect you not to even cry a little bit. They expect you to move on. And when you are counting the nonstop falls of pedals you know for sure that you don't got this. You are unstable. You are unable to be "just fine."

And every time you think of him, you cry. You might as well die. You look at all the photos, you look at every memory in your head that you got of him, and you wish you could reverse the clock and go back in time and save him. You wish you could turn back time. And you wish that he was here to hold you. And still, everyone expects only you to be fine. You realize your grief is not bitter. It's just acceptance. After all there's five stages of grief that is as humans go through in our lives. And it's our way of coping.

The days had passed faster than I thought. And I woke, knowing it was the day of my dad's funeral. It was the day I least looked forward to. I wanted to stay in bed and cry. I wanted to be held. I wanted to die. Marshmallow was lying on my bed with me. And he knew I was sad. He knew me too. As my dog, friend, partner in crime he knew me. So he knew and felt my pain. But no matter what, I just wanted to lie here and not get up. I regretted waking up. I wish I would one day just not wake up. I wanted that so badly, but my heart was broken. I was dying inside like there was no air to breathe. I had tried to, but I couldn't.

I wanted to cry myself away. I knew that I had no choice that I was the most important one arriving to the funeral because I had a Eulogy to give. And I want to make everyone proud, including my dad. And I believe there is a heaven. Some may be those atheists out there, but I know there is an eternal flame of the afterlife when we die. And there we find happiness, peace, courage, acceptance and love. And my dad is there. He's there with his baby brother who he loved and barely spent much time with because his brother died too soon. My dad never healed or covered from his brother's death. And that included blaming himself with so much hate and resentment. And now when I think of the afterlife. It's a happy place for everyone who is equal and loved for who they are.

I felt like the room had gotten smaller. But I felt this intensity of anxiety and sadness all happen at once. I had family and friends who obviously wanted to be there for me. But I couldn't accept the hand from anyone. I couldn't even think of the music that my dad and me used to listen to. I thought about getting drunk. I thought about crying all the time. Even if I'm alone. And being alone, helped me. While others disagree. I tried killing myself a couple days ago, but I was saved and talked out of. And now I'm just stuck here, trying to understand and learn where I might go from here.

I wanted my dad with me so badly. And I wanted my dad to actually be right by my side and tell me a silly dad joke. Or to make me laugh like he used to. And I wanted my dad so bad right now that I was aching everywhere. I had felt like I would lose my strength if I tried to tell anyone my feelings. I couldn't remain sad. But I obviously decided to. And I wanted nothing else but to cry on somebody. And I had my mother who told me to cry because she wasn't allowed to cry when her dad died because of how impulsive her mother was to her. And now, I understand why neither of my grandparents were barely in my life. They treated their kids like a pawn.

I can't go looking beautiful. I'm in my grief and all I am is grief. I refuse to eat, I refuse to watch any news station on tv in the morning. All I want is to let the world go on without me. Los Angeles is going forward and so is Santa Monica. And I'm just here, letting my heart break more and more by the minute. And there's nothing that can make me be happier. Because there's absolutely nothing. I am crying because it's the human thing about grief.