misery || b.e

bad idea

"is this a bad idea? maybe this is a bad idea."

it was definitely a bad idea.

y/n was currently seated in her car outside billie's house, pondering on whether or not she should go in. she'd been so confident that this was the right thing to do but she wasn't so sure anymore.

going to her ex's house a day after their break up wasn't really the most ideal thing to do. but then again, it was billie who'd asked her to come over in the first place. surely this wasn't such a terrible idea.

y/n nodded to herself. she was just going to go in, make sure billie was okay, and then see herself out. just a quick five minute visit. surely that wouldn't harm anyone.

yeah, right.

she sucked in a deep breath before getting out of her car, staring at the place she'd just moved out of. she still hadn't gotten used to the fact that billie was no longer her girlfriend, but she'd deal with that later.

she took a few breaths to calm her nerves before walking up to the door and ringing the doorbell. running her hands over her outfit to make sure she looked okay, she waited patiently for billie to open the door.

but there was no answer.

she rang the doorbell again a minute later, but billie never came to open it.

she waited for a minute or two before sighing, figuring that billie probably wasn't home. she'd received that voicemail hours before she'd listened to it so there was no point in coming here anyway.

she hung her head low before turning around, ready to walk off until her ears picked up on the faint sound of the tv. she quickly spun back around to face the door, pressing her ear against it to hear better.

billie was definitely home. she could hear the tv loud and clear. so why hadn't she answered the door?

her mind immediately grew panicked as she jumped to the worst possible conclusions. if she left here without making sure billie was okay, she'd never forgive herself if something actually was wrong.

she remembered that they used to hide a spare key at this one spot, just in case they ever got locked out. so she quickly fished for the spare key before unlocking the door, taking in a deep breath as she walked inside.

closing the door behind her, she noticed that the air was reeking of alcohol. she scrunched up her nose and furrowed her brows in confusion as she walked further inside, looking for the blonde.

"billie?" she called out softly but no answer. she only grew more panicked at the lack of response and walked faster, letting out a sigh of relief when she found billie on the living room couch.

she was watching tv, but seemed completely drunk. y/n noticed an empty bottle of alcohol on the floor and a half-filled bottle in billie's hand.

her eyes growing wide at the sight, y/n slowly walked into the room. "billie?" she called out again in a soft voice, making the singer turn to face her with a confused expression.

"y-y/n?" she hiccupped, causing the actress to sigh softly at the state she was in. she stared at billie for a few seconds, taking in her appearance. red eyes, droopy eyelids, mascara running down her cheeks. clearly she was far from okay.

she noticed billie trying to get up but failing as she stumbled and fell back, a drunken giggle escaping her lips. y/n couldn't help but frown more as she watched her, wondering why she'd gotten so drunk in the first place.

she noticed billie was ready to take a sip from the bottle in her hand and immediately went up to her, stopping her from doing so. she tried snatching the bottle but billie just wouldn't give in, whining like a child in a toy store.

"billie." y/n said sternly as she tried snatching the bottle from her. "you look like you've already had enough."

"but i want moooore." billie slurred as she kept her grip tight, trying to pull the bottle closer to her lips.

"come on, give it to me." y/n instructed as she finally managed to snatch the bottle from the blonde, setting it aside on the coffee table much to billie's disappointment.

noticing that she was still trying to reach for the bottle,  y/n took billie's hands and held them together. "no more alcohol for you. sit here, i'm going to get you some water."

billie protested and whined when y/n grabbed the half-empty bottle from the coffee table, taking it to the kitchen and leaving it there. she returned a few moments later, a glass of water in her hands as she sat on the couch next to billie. "here." she said softly as she held out the glass for billie to take.

"no." billie said with a frown as she crossed her arms over her chest, looking away from the actress with a pout.

"billie." y/n's voice was stern, but it didn't seem to faze the drunken billie who stayed in the exact same position.

"fine then." y/n mumbled as she reached for billie's chin, turning her face to make the blonde look at her. y/n placed the glass of water on the drunk girl's lip, making her involuntarily open her mouth as y/n tilted the glass to make her drink the water.

billie swallowed and soon enough, the glass was empty. the water seemed to have sobered billie up a little, although she still seemed pretty drunk.

y/n sighed as she brushed billie's hair out of her face, getting a good look of her features. she frowned when she realized just how much billie seemed to have been crying and it took everything in her not to pull billie into a hug and kiss her and comfort her.

but she had to remind herself that billie was no longer hers. as hard as it was to face that fact, she just had to.

so she breathed out a deep breath and shook her head. "have you eaten today?" she asked softly, trying to pull herself together.

billie shook her head and y/n frowned slightly at this. she then looked around the living room and noticed how much of a mess it was. sighing softly, she stood up. "okay why don't you go upstairs and freshen up a bit? i'll cook you some food and clean up around here."

even though she wasn't completely sober, billie seemed sober enough to do that. but clearly she had no intentions of doing so. she stayed glued to her spot on the couch as she looked at y/n with an unreadable expression.

"what?" y/n asked her as she furrowed her brows at how billie was looking at her.

"do you miss me?" billie blurted out and y/n almost choked on her own spit. she looked at billie, her eyes slightly wide as she processed the question.

when y/n didn't reply for a few seconds, billie spoke again. "like.. even when we were still together and you were in new york. did you ever miss me?"

"billie, what? what are you talking about? of course i missed you. i missed you like crazy." y/n responded, still giving the blonde a confused expression.

billie stayed silent for a few seconds before responding flatly. "never seemed like it." she mumbled before standing up and trudging upstairs, going to freshen up just as y/n had instructed her to.

y/n stayed glued to her spot on the floor, trying to wrap her head around the blonde's response. she knew billie wasn't completely sober but those four words had made her feel shittier than ever. she let out a shaky breath as she sat back down on the couch, staring at the floor.

had she really neglected billie that much? so much that billie felt like y/n hadn't missed her at all? because that sure as hell wasn't the case. and the countless nights she'd spent awake solely because she wanted her girlfriend were proof of it.

was she really so poor at expressing how she felt? she couldn't believe she'd made billie think she'd never missed her. saying she felt horrible would be an understatement.

she ran her fingers through her hair before standing up, shaking her head. she'd told billie she'd make her some food and that's exactly what she was going to do. she just had to shove her feelings down her throat and pray that she wouldn't throw them up.

after all, she didn't need another mess to clean up.

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let's all just pretend i wasn't gone for two months 🤗

thanks for reading <3