misery || b.e

unhappy

it was currently mid-august and filming was supposed to be done by the end of september. y/n was in la for the week and had gone outside a while ago.

billie was seated on her bed, head hanging low as her blonde strands fell over her eyes. she held back tears as she pulled the covers over her, back resting against the headboard as she stared at nothing in particular.

she'd just fought with y/n. again.

that's all they seemed to do these days. whether it was in person or on facetime, all they did was fight. and billie was so tired of it.

they'd been fighting an awful lot lately.

or maybe they'd been fighting the same amount as before but billie hadn't realized just how much that was.

she couldn't even remember what they'd been fighting about. all she knew was that things were exchanged in the heat of the moment and y/n had ended up walking out on her.

sure, they'd had their fights before but it never got to the point where one of them left.

she let out a shaky sigh as she held the covers close to her chest, willing her tears not to fall. she wasn't going to cry over this, not anymore. if y/n didn't want to see her then she didn't want to see y/n either.

there was something lingering at the back of her brain for the past few days which she'd been ignoring. probably because that thought was so scary it gave her nightmares.

but right now, after having fought with y/n for the millionth time this week, she couldn't help but dwell on that very thought.

were they going to last?

god, she wanted them to last. she really did. they were billie and y/n, together forever. but she wasn't sure how much more of this she could take.

she was not okay.

she wanted so badly to stay with y/n and figure things out. but it was so difficult when they were always lashing out on each other and the distance only made it harder. she was so sick of it.

she wanted nothing more than to call y/n hers forever but she wasn't sure that was possible anymore. the constant fighting just became too much for her to handle.

she was not happy anymore.

she wanted to be happy more than anything, she did. but she couldn't control it. she was no longer happy in this relationship and there was nothing she could do to change that. even though she so badly wanted to.

it's not like she fell out of love with y/n, god no. she was so in love with that woman it hurt. it tore her apart to fight with her so often but it broke her heart even thinking about leaving her.

she couldn't possibly leave her. y/n was her everything. even if she wasn't happy, she couldn't break up with her. that would only make things worse.

but then again, she was terribly unhappy in this relationship. no matter how hard she tried to be, she just wasn't happy anymore. maybe breaking things off is what would make her happy.

but how could she be happy losing someone she cared so much about? hurting the only one she'd ever truly loved? it would shatter her to ever deliberately put y/n through any kind of pain. she couldn't break up with her.

she felt her cheeks getting wetter by the second as tears streamed down her cheeks with every single thought. it's not like they were always fighting. there were cute and romantic moments between them too. those were the ones billie stayed for.

not to mention, the sex. probably the best billie had ever had. she couldn't just walk away from that.

there was so much left to stay for. yet, billie couldn't help but think about leaving. after all, what was the point of all the good things in this relationship if she was still unhappy?

she choked out a sob at the thought of leaving her girlfriend. she didn't want to do that, she really didn't. she wanted to stay with y/n forever and marry her. she wanted to have kids with her and watch them grow up. she wanted to grow old with her and sit on their porch, yelling at kids who were wreaking havoc.

but she couldn't. she had to leave. for her own sanity and most importantly, for her own happiness.

even though she wanted to stay so bad, it wasn't good for her mental health. she wasn't happy anymore and she couldn't do anything about it. she had to break things off with y/n.

billie heard the front door shut which made her quickly wipe away her tears, still holding the covers against her body as she let out a long, shaky sigh. it was going to be okay. she would be fine.

y/n walked into their bedroom with a soft sigh, their eyes meeting as they maintained eye contact for a few seconds.

"hey." y/n broke the brief silence as she walked further into their room, billie finally breaking eye contact as she looked down at her own fingers.

"hi." her voice came out slightly hoarse from all the crying she'd done which made her clear her throat.

"i know you haven't eaten much all day so i got you some food." billie looked up to see y/n holding up two bags of taco bell before she took a seat next to her on the bed.

how could she ever break up with her if she was always being so thoughtful?

"thanks." billie whispered and y/n began taking out the food from the bag as billie watched hungrily. y/n was right, she hadn't eaten all day. and she was starving.

y/n handed billie a container and billie dug in immediately, taking a huge bite from her burrito. she was so hungry it was insane.

a sigh falling from her lips, y/n reached out to tuck a few strands of billie's hair behind her ear which made the singer look up at her. "i'm really sorry, you know?" y/n said softly as she cupped billie's cheek, looking into her eyes. "i shouldn't have walked out like that. i'm sorry."

billie's eyes dropped down to her food as she stayed quiet, chewing silently while y/n's hand caressed her cheek. "and i'm sorry for raising my voice at you. it was really stupid. i'm sorry for everything."

when billie still didn't say anything, y/n sighed as she tilted her face upwards to make billie look at her. "i love you, okay? so much. don't ever forget that. i know we said things in the heat of the moment but i promise you i didn't mean any of it. and i know you didn't mean any of it either. you're the love of my life and you always will be. that'll never change. no matter what happens, i love you. always and forever."

at that exact moment, billie wanted to break down crying. here she was, thinking about breaking things off, while y/n was looking at her with so much love and concern that it tore her apart.

on one hand, she wanted to stay. she wanted to stay for all the good things and all the love they had for each other. she wanted to stay for y/n.

but on the other hand, she had to leave. if she wanted to be happy, she had to leave.

and of course, her happiness comes first.

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short chapter as a little window into billie's brain before the break up

thanks for reading <3