Good Omens Oneshots

falling

Falling wasn't what Crowley always depicted it to be. For him it wasn't "vaguely sauntering downwards."
     That was just what he told Aziraphale.
     For him, it was a searing pain. When his wings turned, it felt as though he were being turned inside out. That pain never went away.
     All the scars she got from humanity didn't hurt nearly as bad as this.
     Being tortured.
     Was not nearly as bad as this feeling.
     This feeling never went away. It didn't hurt as much. Being a demon just made his body feel wrong.
     When he fell, he remembered the clouds. They did not cushion him, as they used to. It's almost as if they didn't know he were there anymore. He just fell right through.
     There was nothing, anywhere that could get rid of this pain, except to get used to it. For he never did.
     Crowley fell when they were getting the Earth ready for the beginning. For Eden.
     The only thing that could take this pain away was Holy Water. But he never dared to even think of it until Aziraphale left.
     He couldn't, though, as he had already used up all of it. Not like she could ask for more.
     The only ones who didn't know of the pain of falling were the ones above. Demons never spoke of the fall, because they knew how much it hurt. Best to just distract yourself.
     The only one who really comforted Crowley was Beelzebub.
      At the time there were very few who had fallen. And Beelzebub was among the first. The Angels who fell recently didn't get much pain. But those who fell around the same time as Lucifer did not get such treatment.
      Beelzebub was one of the first ten.
      The first ten were cursed eternally. They chose to fall.
       Crowley simply asked a question. So she could not imagine what type of pain they would get if he had received this much for a question.
      Back then God was quite picky with the first batch of Angels. They wanted the best of the best. Have one mistake and you're gone.
      Some, who chose to go at first were already permanently discorporated.
      Aziraphale did not know about any of this pain.
     All because Crowley didn't want the Angel to worry. Or try to help. Because she knew there was nothing that could fix this except death.
     He did not tell Aziraphale of the constant pain. This is why Crowley often went to see cancer patients.
     He wanted to help them. Because they were in constant pain. And there was a possibility they could live without pain. Because he knew he wanted that for himself. But he would never get it.
     Again, Aziraphale did not know of his visitations. Because he didn't want to be dragged down to hell again.
     There was one girl, who he used to visit quite frequently a few years back. She had brain cancer, not cancerous. But this was a while back.
      She knew the girl when she could see and when she couldn't. She was the only one who knew his little secret.
      One day, before her last surgery, she asked Crowley a question.

"Mrs. Crowley?"
     "Yes, dear?" Crowley asked, holding her hand.
     She was appearing to be looking at the ceiling, as she couldn't see. "If you're in pain, all the time, like me. Why don't you get help? I'm sure Doctor Nancy can help you! Just like she's going to help me."
     "Dear, my problem doesn't work that way." Crowley let out a fake smile, even though he knew she couldn't see her face anyway.
     "Why?"
     "I don't know why, dear." Crowley paused, at a blank, "It's just a thing I have, that I can never get rid of."
     The girl stayed quiet at the same response that she got every time she asked the demon.
     "It's the same reason why I can't see the stars. It's a punishment for something I did. I can't see them." Crowley said quietly, rubbing the girl's hand as the nurse poked into her arm to inject the anesthesia.
     "But you did nothing wrong?" The girl said drowsily, as the drug was taking effect.
     "It's ok, not everything can be fixed. But your head can be." Crowley said, putting a hand on the side of her head, so her head wouldn't fall when she passed out.
     "But Mr…" were her last words before the drugs took their effect.
     The nurse looked at Crowley, but before she could say to get out, Crowley had already gotten up to leave.
     "Do take good care of her, she's a good kid."
     The nurse nodded as Crowley took her leave.

They never spoke again. But he knew that the girl was thriving now. She could see, she could walk.
     Crowley sat on his bench, the presence of the Angel missing.
     The ducks quacked away.
     Crowley wasn't slouching as he usually did. She was leaning forwards. His hands entangled with each other on his knees.
     His glasses were on the bridge of his nose, ready to fall off. She didn't care. Nothing bothered him at that moment.
     All that there were was ducks.
     For Crowley loved the ducks. He would sit there for hours, as they played, and fed, and slept. They distracted him from the pain.
     He always could come here to distract him from the realities of becoming a demon, even long after.
     But this time he wasn't here for his physical pain.
     He was here to distract him if he lost. The only reason he enjoyed the many customs of the world. The only reason he didn't drink the holy water that was given to him.
     Crowley was there because she lost Aziraphale. And somehow that pain was even worse than being turned inside out.
     For he lost a literal Angel.