Smoke Signals

9 ⚠️

⚠️ SELF HARM ⚠️

Here it was. The dreaded conversation. It was the morning after JJ and I's first time. I had never felt this close to someone and all I wanted was to be in her arms, but I knew she wanted to talk.

She handed me some coffee and sat down on her couch. I sat down next to her and hugged myself inside of her sweatshirt. "So...I'm guessing you wanted to talk about why...why I hurt myself?"

"Yeah. I know it's not as simple as why did you do it. But I really just wanted to have this conversation so that I know what helps you, and what hurts you." I nodded. "So...I guess we can start with the good stuff. What helps you?" I hesitated for a second but then rested my head on her shoulder, putting my arms around her and hugging her tightly. "Hugs help?" I nodded and she put her arms around me. "I thought you didn't like hugs that much."

"They're better when they're from you." She rubbed my back.

"What else helps you feel better?" I shrugged.

"Making out."

"Blair, I'm being serious." She said with a soft laugh.

"Well I don't really know."

"Ok, that's alright. What doesn't make you feel good?"

"Talking about my family." She nodded.

"Anything else?"

"I don't really wanna talk about the other things." She nodded.

"So, to recap, yes to hugs, no to family?" I nodded. "Got it." She kissed my cheek and I blushed, not being able to hide my smile. She had never kissed my cheek before, just made out and had sex. Very sexually intimate things, not romantic or anything.

"Can you do that again?" She kissed my cheek and I buried my face in her neck to hide my smile. She kissed my temple and the top of my head, giving me a comforting squeeze. "Why are you so perfect?"

"I'm far from perfect sweetheart."

"No. You're perfect." I took a deep breath and she held me in silence.

"Are you ok?" She asked a few minutes later. I nodded. It wasn't true though. I've spent my whole life being insecure about my body because of all my scars, self inflicted and from countless surgeries. In short, I hated my body. It had never been a problem with sex in the past because it was all just one night stands and we would never see each other again, but it was JJ and I didn't want her to think differently about me because of it. "Are you sure? I mean you can talk, I can just be a wall, hearing everything you say but not saying anything."

"Another way of saying you're a good listener?"

"I guess."

"You still like me...right? After...after seeing my whole body. Because I completely understand if you don't there's a bunch of scars everywhere and that's a big turn off for a lot of people." She shook her head.

"Blair, I find you even more beautiful. There is nothing about you that I would ever want to change." I nodded. "I promise, ok? You don't have to worry about that."

"Can I call you Jayje?"

"I was giving you an assuring speech and you were just thinking about what to call me?" She laughed.

"I was listening, I promise."

"Of course you can call me Jayje." She slid her hands under my shirt up my back, rubbing it slowly.

"Um...what does this mean for us?" I asked nervously.

"Well...we can take things slow if you want, start with a couple dates."

"I wouldn't say we're moving super slow. I mean...one week in and we're having hour long make out sessions and sex." I pointed out.

"So you want to take things fast then?"

"What does that mean for you?"

"I...well...if it's alright with you..." She was getting nervous and it was really cute. "Could you uh...could you be my girlfriend?" I smiled.

"Yeah. I would like that a lot." I felt her body relax and I closed my eyes.

"Do you want some breakfast?" She asked. "I'm not a super good cook but I think my food is edible."

"I'm not hungry. Thanks though." She nodded and kissed the top of my head.

"Do you need anything?" Her fingertips ran lightly over my back and it sent goosebumps across my whole body. I lifted my head up from her shoulder and looked down at her lips. She smiled and connected them, my grip on her waist becoming tighter. I parted my mouth to let her tongue slide in and moaned softly against her lips. She smiled when she heard it and then cupped my face in her hands. My whole body was tingling in anticipation.

She bit my lip and tugged on it with her teeth. I let out a load moan and backed away, embarrassed. "Don't be embarrassed. That was hot." She said breathlessly. I smiled and connected our lips again, hoping that this would last longer than usual.