Smoke Signals

24 ⚠️

⚠️ EATING DISORDER AND SUICIDAL IDEATION ⚠️

I picked at my food, sitting across the table from JJ. I could feel her watching me but I couldn't meet her eyes. "Is my cooking that bad?" She joked.

"No. I'm just not hungry."

"Honey you can't be eating one meal every other day, it's not healthy." She protested. My lips turned into a frown.

"I'm fine."

"Is...is there another reason as to why you're not eating?" I clenched my jaw.

"No. I'm fine. I'm handling it."

"Handling what? Baby, I look at you and you're in pain. There's something you're. it telling me and I want-no I need you to talk to me because it hurts to see you like this, it hurts."

"Jayje I...I'm sorry I don't know what to tell you."

"Just tell me...is there another reason as to why you're not eating?"

"I...yeah." I breathed out, pushing my food away from me and holding my head in my hands. "I don't know what it is...I just...like I haven't lost my appetite but whenever I want to eat I feel like I can't." I heard her quiet footsteps as she came over to sit next to me. "I want to think it's just because I'm not in a good place right now and I lose my appetite when I feel like that. But now...it feels like there's just something in the back of my mind telling me that it's not ok to eat." She listened to me intently and I lifted my head up to look at her.

"Has it ever happened before? These eating patterns?"

"I...yeah but I don't know if this is different or not."

"Did you feel different then?" I shook my head and her eyes softened. My heart sank as I realized what that meant. "Do you know why your brain is telling you that you can't eat?"

"No...I don't know." She put her hand on my thigh and squeezed it comfortingly.

"Honey...a lot of people that feel the way that you do, so the things you do because they're insecure about their body." I nodded. We both knew I was. "Most of the time it's because of their weight." She whispered carefully.

"Yeah."

"Is that something that's been bugging you lately?"

"A bit." She tucked my hair behind my ears and kissed my forehead.

"I don't understand how I didn't...how did I not realize what was happening?"

"You've been through a lot." She said quietly. "It's normal to lose your appetite when you're feeling down, and you have a lot of reasons to be feeling that way, rightful reasons, and when you don't want to think about those reasons it's easy not to think about why you're feeling the way that you are."

"I guess...but what does this even mean? I don't know how to deal with it. I just assumed...I don't even know, this is stupid." I stood up but JJ put her arms around my waist, looking up at me.

"It's not stupid." She said softly.

"I...I'm hungry...but I can't eat. That's so fucking confusing." She caressed the small of my back.

"I know baby." She lifted my shirt up to kiss my stomach. I relaxed and she noticed, pressing soft loving kisses just above my waistline. "Hey." She whispered once she saw tears stinging in my eyes. She stood up and cupped my face in her hands, kissing my forehead. "It's ok darling." I put my arms around her and relaxed in her presence. "I'm here for you." I nodded. "I'm always here for you." I tightened my grip on her and rested my head on her shoulder.

"I don't understand anything about what's happening."

"You don't have to. It'll come in time." She started slowly rubbing my back and kissed my temple. "I know it's frustrating but you don't have to understand everything right away." I looked up at her with sad eyes. "It's ok." She whispered. "I got you." A single tear ran down my cheek and she wiped it away, leaving a kiss in its place.

"I seriously don't know what I would do without you." I whispered, my voice breaking. "You're the only one I've told about everything in my past, and this past year...it's the worst I've ever been and if I didn't have you to talk to I would be so much worse than I am right now...I don't...I don't even know if I would be here."

"Baby, don't say that."

"But we both know it's true...you know about my past attempt...you know it's not something I wouldn't think about doing again."

"No honey, I didn't know that."

"Oh...I thought you...never mind." I pulled away from her. "I don't want to talk anymore." She nodded and followed me to our bedroom.

I cuddled up next to her and rested my forehead against the side of her shoulder. "I love you honey. I want you to be happy." She said sincerely.

"I want that too...I love you."