Smoke Signals

20

I hugged my knees to my chest while the jet ascended into the air. I rested my knees on my chin and zoned out while staring at the seat in front of me.

"Hey." I heard JJ's voice from beside me as she sat down.

"Hey."

"Sorry it took me so long, there was a crowd around the coffee maker." She said with a small laugh. I didn't smile, not hearing her. "Babe?"

"Hm?"

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing." I knew she was going to press, she always did.

"Sweetheart-"

"Just stop, ok? I'm tired." I rubbed my face and she sighed, leaving me alone for the rest of the ride.

JJ and I barely spoke any words to each other the whole day, partly because I was avoiding her and partly because we hadn't been together today for the case.

But we were coming back to the hotel room and I really felt like melting into her, just relaxing into her arms as she coddled me. That sounded good right now. "Have you eaten anything today?" She asked softly, placing her hand on my lower back.

"I don't know. I don't really remember." I rubbed my face.

"Well you should probably eat then love."

"Jayje...no offense, but I really don't think I can eat right now." I put my hands over my stomach.

"Can you please just eat a little bit? I have some Cheetos." She said, reaching into her bag. I shook my head and stared down at the ground.

"I'm kind of picking up on the fact that you don't want to talk, but I know something is going on in that beautiful head of yours...so, what can I do to help?"

"Can you...can you hold me?" I turned around and her arms wrapped around me, putting one hand on the back of my head and one hand rubbed my back slowly. I needed to cry but I didn't want to. I had only cried in front of JJ once and it was the first time I had cried in 15 years. I knew she wouldn't judge me, I just didn't want to cry.

I guess that didn't matter because the tears came anyway. "Sorry." I whispered, pulling away for a second to wipe the tears away.

"It's ok. Don't apologize." She said softly, a loving and caring look in her eyes.

I could tell she wanted to pepper me with kisses and just tell me that it was going to be alright, having an idea of how terrible I was feeling due to the tears running down my cheeks. "It's ok." She assured me. "I got you, it's ok." My legs started to become a little weak and she noticed, slowly lowering us to the ground.

I adjusted myself so I was sitting in her lap. She tucked my hair behind my ears while I avoided her gaze. "I feel so bad all the time." I whispered. "It never stops."

"Do you think you need to take some time off again?" I shrugged.

"I think if I do that the team will just find a replacement for me." She kissed my temple as I lazily put my arms around her waist and rested my head on her shoulder, facing her.

"They won't honey." She assured me.

"Feeling like this is tiring. I'm like a black hole or something."

"I love you." She said randomly.

"I love you too...why?"

"Why what?"

"Why did you just say that randomly?"

"Because I love you. I want you to know that."

"But...but there wasn't a reason."

"There doesn't have to be a reason baby." She said softly, knowing where I was coming from. Her soft touch on my back had made me relax completely and I was so grateful.

I was starting to feel a bit hot so I moved away from her a little bit. "You alright?"

"I'm hot." She gripped the back of my shirt gently and looked at me for consent. I nodded and she pulled it off. I wrapped my arms around her neck and then rested our foreheads together.

"I want you to be happy." I smiled sadly.

"For some reason I feel like that's not going to happen." She shook her head.

"It got better last time, right?" She tucked my hair behind my ear. "And the time before that."

"I guess."

"It'll get better, trust me." I bit my lip and my body tensed up again. "Hey, it's ok, I'm here." She reminded me.

I buried my face in her neck to hide my facial expressions from her. "Can we go to bed?" I whispered, wrapping my legs around her waist so she could pick me up.

"Can you eat something?"

"I don't think so." The thought of food made me want to vomit on the spot. She nodded and picked me up, setting me down on the bed.

She lied down and I immediately cuddled up next to her. "I love you angel. Don't forget that, ok?" I nodded.

"I love you."