Smoke Signals

10

I curled up in my bed, wondering what time it was. My phone kept ringing but I didn't want to look at who kept calling me. I had called in sick to work today so if someone needed me they could wait.

I honestly don't know what happened. Last week I was so fucking happy. JJ asked me to be her girlfriend and we were spending every waking moment together, but two nights ago everything just went down hill. I didn't feel good at all. I wanted to curl up into a ball and never leave my bed. I pulled my hood over my head and stared at the wall blankly, hoping the day would just end soon.

About 20 minutes later I heard a knock on the door. "It's JJ." I heard her voice from the hall.

"The door's open." I heard the door open and then close, quiet footsteps walking towards my bedroom.

"It's not safe to leave your door unlocked." She said softly, sitting down next to me on the bed. I just shrugged. "Hotch told me you called in sick...but you weren't answering my calls or texts...so I figured something was wrong." I didn't answer. "Darling what's wrong?"

"Nothing. You didn't have to come here. I'm fine."

"You're in a hoodie and sweatpants, lying down in your bed and staring at the wall. I don't really think that counts as fine."

"It's all relative." She leaned forward and rested her chin on the side of my shoulder. She slid her hand under my hoodie and rested it on my stomach, caressing it slowly and comfortingly.

"Have you eaten anything today?" I shook my head. "You need to eat sweetheart." She kissed my clothed shoulder. "How long has it been since you last ate?"

"I don't know. Probably yesterday morning or something."

"Oh honey...you need to eat something, your body needs it."

"I know."

"Then why haven't you eaten?" She kissed my shoulder again.

"Just lost my appetite."

"Do you want me to make you something?"

"I'm not really hungry."

"Angel you need to eat something." I shrugged. "What would you be most ok with eating right now?" It took me a minute to think but I eventually had an answer for her.

"Mac n cheese."

"Ok." She nodded.

"Panera."

"Do you want me to pick it up or order it to here?" I shrugged. "I'll order it." She took her hand off of my stomach and the little sense of comfort I felt left me.

I turned over to face her after a couple minutes. "Hey baby." She said with a soft smile, her eyes looking a bit sad. She lied down on her side and faced me. "What's got you feeling so down?" I didn't answer and she frowned. "You don't wanna talk about it?" I shrugged. "Ok." She tucked my hair behind my ear and kissed my nose. "I'm here if you want to." She looked all over my face, looking a bit hopeless as she saw how sad and empty I looked.

"Are you cold?" I asked, opening the covers up for her if she wanted to get under.

"Yeah. Thank you gorgeous." I got confused at all the different names she was calling me, but I liked them. She got comfortable under the covers and I smiled at how cute she was. She grinned from ear to ear when she saw me smile.

"You look like a teddy bear." I said quietly, moving closer to her for more warmth. She laughed and kissed my nose again. My nose scrunched up and I blushed. She kissed my forehead and we lied there in silence until the food came.

I sat up and leaned back against the headboard as she delivered the food. She had gotten herself some mac n cheese too. "Thank you."

"Of course." She sat down next to me and we took a few bites.

I wasn't even halfway done with mine until I felt like I couldn't eat anymore. "I can't finish it. I'm sorry."

"Sweetheart, why are you apologizing?"

"Because you bought it and I can't finish it."

"Hey, it's ok. Darling you don't have to apologize for that. You can always eat it later." I nodded and stared down at my lap. She put both of our food on one of my nightstands and then held her hand out, palm face up, a silent offering of comfort. I took my hand in hers and then pulled my knees up to my chest.

"I wanna talk...so can you just listen for a second?" She nodded and looked at me with a soft caring gaze. "I don't really feel anything at all right now. I just feel like a...a deep pit of nothing if that makes any sense. It's happened before." I admitted. "I...I never know how to make it stop so I just wait it out. Sometimes it take a couple weeks...sometimes it takes a couple months." I rested my chin on my knees and shrugged. "Just one of the perks of being me." I felt tears stinging in my eyes and squeezed them shut, taking a deep breath and thinking about happy things.

My mind tried to run through countless things that could make me feel anything other than how I was feeling right now but there was only one thing that actually helped. It was JJ. I imagined her smile and paid attention to the feeling of her thumb brushing lightly over my hand.

I opened my eyes again and turned to look at her. She furrowed her brows, silently asking me if I was alright. I gave her a small nod and rested my head on her shoulder. "Can you stay the night?"

"Anything you need."

"Thank you."

"Anytime."