Smoke Signals

40 ⚠️

⚠️ ABUSE AND PANIC ATTACK ⚠️

JJ and I were back home now but I was home alone. She had gone to the office to get some files and I was left home alone, with my thoughts.

I pulled my phone out to text JJ once everything became too overwhelming. The thoughts, the memories, the temperature, the feeling of my clothes on my skin, literally everything.

Angel😇: hey

💗SnuggleBuddy💗: hey

Angel😇: are u almost home

💗SnuggleBuddy💗: No, sorry but I'm
heading home in a minute

💗SnuggleBuddy💗: Is everything ok?

Angel😇: no

💗SnuggleBuddy💗: What's wrong?

Angel😇: come home please

💗SnuggleBuddy💗: Ok, I'm coming

💗SnuggleBuddy💗: Baby what's wrong? :(

Angel😇: i feel like i can't breathe

💗SnuggleBuddy💗: Ok, hold in there I'm coming

Angel😇: thank you

💗SnuggleBuddy💗: Of course

💗SnuggleBuddy💗: Can you stay on the phone with me?

💗SnuggleBuddy💗: Baby?

💗SnuggleBuddy💗: Love, can you stay on the phone with me?

💗SnuggleBuddy💗: I'll be there in a minute I promise, just hang in there

💗SnuggleBuddy💗: I love you

I read her messages but my hands were shaking so much that I couldn't type. I slid down the wall and hugged my knees to my chest, covering my ears with my hands. "Stop. Stop. Go away." I mumbled. "Go. Go away. Dad...dad don't do this." I tugged at my hair while covering my ears. Memories were flashing through my mind and I couldn't get them out. "Stop. Stop."

"Darling. Hey, hey, I'm here." I opened my eyes and JJ knelt down in front of me.

"Don't touch me. Don't touch me." I pleaded.

"I won't touch you, I promise." I nodded frantically, silently thanking her. "Can you breathe with me?"

"I...c-can...try." I said between breaths.

"Ok good." She said with a bright assuring smile. "Take a big deep breath for me, ok? Three seconds in...three seconds out." My breathing was shaky and uneven.

"I can't. I cant." I shook my head.

"Hey, it's ok. Try again sweetheart. I'm right here with you. In...and out."

"Not working."

"You have to be patient with it baby. Just take a few more deep breaths alright?" I nodded. "In...and out...in...and out...in....and out." I nodded again.

"Working."

"Ok, good. In...and out...in...and out." She held her hand out just in case I was ok to touch her now.

I traced the lines of her palm and she kept her palm still, letting me initiate every touch. "Thank you."

"Of course love." I looked up and was met with her loving eyes. I laced our fingers together as I slowly got comfortable with more and more touch. I reached for her other hand hesitantly and laced our fingers together in those hands too. "It's ok. Take your time." She assured me warmly. I squeezed her hands and froze for a second. My breathing hitched and I let go.

"I'm sorry."

"It's ok." I put my hand on her forearms and slowly ran them up to her shoulders, needing to feel that she was her and not my dad.

"Jayje."

"It's me honey."

"JJ." She nodded. My hands found their way to her face and I held her face, looking into her eyes. It was JJ. It was JJ, not him. I knew that, but I needed my body to know it, so that when she touched me I wouldn't flinch away and be sent into a spiral again. "JJ." I furrowed my brows and nodded. My lips started to tremble and I caressed her cheeks. "JJ." I threw my arms around her and she hugged me back, tightly.

"It's ok. It's ok." She rubbed my back.

"Jayje."

"I'm right here." I buried my face in her neck and clutched the back of her shirt, holding onto her for dear life. "I got you baby."

"I love you."

"I love you."

"Don't go."

"Never." She told me.

"I need you."

"Shh, it's ok. I'm right here." I hummed and wrapped my legs around her waist. "I got you." She rubbed my back and kissed the top of my head. "I got you my love."

"Thank you." I whispered.

"Of course."

"Did you get your files?"

"No-"

"I stopped you from getting your files?"

"No honey, it's ok. Don't feel bad. Shh, don't feel bad."

"But I...I-"

"Shh, it's ok. Just focus on me, alright."

"Mhm." I nodded.

"It's gonna be ok." I nodded and put my full body weight against her as my body became tired. "I got you, don't worry." She smoothed my hair and sighed tiredly.

"Bed." She nodded and picked me up, taking me to bed.

I lied down on top of her so I could be touching every inch of her. "I love you honey."

"I love you."