Smoke Signals

26 ⚠️

⚠️ ABUSE AND PANIC ATTACK ⚠️

JJ and I were finally back home from the case and we hadn't really talked about anything important, every time she had asked me to talk to her I had refused and avoided her.

I let out a sigh and took my coat off, kicking off my shoes and going to bed. "Hey." JJ said softly as she sat down next to me.

"Hi." I avoided her eyes and I saw her frown out of the corner of my eyes. "Are you ok?" I asked.

"Yeah. I'm just...I'm worried about you."

"Don't be."

"But honey-"

"I don't want to do this right now."

"Ok...well let me know if there's anything I can do to help." She said quietly, sounding a bit sad.

"Thank you." She smiled when she saw the smile on my face.

"Can we just sleep? I'm tired...and I need you." I whispered. She nodded and pulled me into her gently, being careful with the way she touched me. I kissed her jaw to show my thanks and put my arms around her, burying my face into her neck. She kissed my temple and I let out a relaxed sigh, both of us tired enough to fall asleep within a few minutes.

I whimpered as my dad cornered me in the kitchen. "I told you to cover your fucking bruises." He yelled, slapping me across the face. "You couldn't even do that? YOU COULDN'T EVEN DO THAT?" His voice made my ears ring and his hand gripped my throat tightly. "I don't know why I even put up with you." He slammed me against the wall and my head hit the wall harshly. I let out a yelp and he squeezed tighter. "You're fucking useless. Useless. Pathetic. I wish I never had you." I gripped his wrist, trying to pull his hand off of my throat since I could feel my consciousness slipping away from me.

"Honey...honey...honey, honey wake up." I woke up to JJ's soft voice and my hand flew to my neck as I gasped, clawing for a hand that wasn't there. "Hey, hey baby, it's ok." She didn't dare touch me, knowing it would only scare me and she didn't want that to happen.

"His hand...his hand." I gasped, my hand hitting against my throat, trying to signal that his hand was there.

"I know honey, but it's ok, you're safe now."

"I couldn't breathe...I can't breathe." I gasped. "JJ I can't breathe." I moved my hand to my chest. "I can't breathe, I can't breathe." I wasn't able to process that it was because I was panicking and not because my dad had been choking me. "JJ help me."

"I'm right here my love, can I touch you?"

"Get it off of me."

"There's nothing on you darling." She said sympathetically. I put my hand on my throat again and she grabbed my hand gently, pulling it off of my throat. "Nobody's hurting you my love."

"But I-I can't breathe." I felt tears running down my cheeks. She turned on the lamp so she could see me better. My chest was heaving and my face was sweaty. My hands were shaking and I was so, so scared. It was like I was 9 again. "I...JJ please help me." I sobbed out, feeling so anxious and now sobbing so hard that I felt like I had to throw up.

"Is it ok if I hug you?" I gave her a hesitant nod but then pulled away, gagging a bit. She understood what was happening and for off the bed, rushing to get a trash can and then putting it in my lap. It was good she got it when she did because I vomited as soon as she put the trash can in my lap. I sobbed and held the trash can close to me, needing to be in JJ's arms right now but not knowing how to say it since there were a million things on my mind.

She wiped the vomit off of my lips with a washcloth and then pulled the trash can away from me, pulling me into her arms. "Shh, it's ok, you're ok sweetheart." She whispered, rocking me back and forth. "I got you, you're safe. No one's going to hurt you, I'll make sure of that, I promise." I whimpered and held onto her tightly.

"Don't go, please don't go."

"I'm not going anywhere sweetheart, I promise. I'm staying."

"JJ...JJ, I'm scared."

"I know honey, but you're safe. I promise, I got you, ok? I'm not going to let anyone hurt you." My chest heaved against hers as I tried to catch my breath. "It's ok." Her voice softened even more if it was possible. "You're ok, I promise, I got you. Shh, honey, you're ok. You're safe."

"I...he was choking me." I breathed out shakily once I caught my breath more. "I couldn't breathe." I took a big gulp of air.

"It's ok, he's not here now. Ifs just me. I'm not your dad. Your dads not here, ok? It's me, it's JJ."

"I know." I nodded into her neck.

"Good." Her grip on me loosened as my breathing went back to normal. I held her tighter, needing her to just hold me, protect me from everything that had been done to me.

"Please don't go. Just hold me...just hold me please." Her embrace tightened again as she kissed my temple multiple times.

"I'm not going anywhere darling, I promise. I'm here. I'm here for you and I'm not going anywhere."

"Thank you." I whispered.

"Always baby, I'm always going to be here for you. You know that, right?" I nodded. "Good. I'm not going anywhere."