Smoke Signals

45 ⚠️

⚠️ ABUSE ⚠️

I sat on the couch, staring blankly at the tv. JJ walked over to me and cuddled up next to me. "Whatcha thinking about my love?"

"Nothing."

"Hey. No lying." She pouted.

"It's my dads birthday." I chewed on my bottom lip. "He's out there...probably hurting someone else...and I can't do anything about it." I played with my fingers as my hands started to shake.

"Take a deep breath honey." She took my hands in hers and kissed my cheek. Warmth spread across my face.

I took a deep breath and waited for my hands to stop shaking. "I've never had this problem before...his birthday has happened and I don't really care. But now I can't stop thinking about him, and my memories of him aren't that great." I leaned into her and rested my head on her shoulder. She put her arms around me. "I'm not panicking or crying through which is great." She nodded in agreement.

"I'm really proud of you."

"For what?"

"You've made so much progress over the past year darling." She ran her fingers through my hair. I let her words sink in. "You haven't hurt yourself in five months." I smiled.

"You're proud of me?"

"Of course I am." She kissed my temple and put her arm around my waist, bringing me closer to her. My heart warmed and I smiled into her shoulder. I hadn't heard anyone say that in a really long time. "I love you so much." She whispered. I relaxed into her, I knew she didn't want me to say anything back right now, she just wanted me to listen to her.

I loved being held by her and she knew it too, not letting go until I did. This always resulted in us either cuddling for the rest of the day or at least a 30 minute hug. "You still there gorgeous?" She asked softly. I nodded and hummed softly. She laughed and rubbed my back.

"I want snuggles." I pleaded, being fully aware that I sounded like a needy baby. She picked me up and walked to our bed, I lied down on top of her and tangled our legs together.

We lied there for fifteen minutes before I said anything. When she smoothed my hair back I opened my mouth. "Sometimes you make me forget what it feels like to be hurt." She never faltered her movements, wanting me to elaborate. "You've never hurt me...and that's what I'm used to when I get close to people."

"I would never hurt you angel." She pulled me up so my head was on her shoulder and she kissed my forehead.

"I know. It feels so good to actually know that. I believe it." She smiled and kissed my forehead again. "You make me feel so safe." I added. "Like nothing bad can happen when I'm with you." She kissed the top of my head. "And your cuddles are the best." She laughed as I nuzzled my head into her neck. My arms were secured tightly around her. "I'm never letting go. We're staying like this forever actually."

"We are?" I nodded into her neck.

"Yes we are."

"I'm on board with that."

"Good. Or else I would've made you stay here." She stopped stroking my hair and put both of her arms around me. She let out a content sigh and kissed my temple.

"I really love you." She told me. "So much baby."

"I love you too." She rubbed my back when I replied.

"Don't forget that I'm proud of you, ok?" I nodded, trying not to cry at her words. "Never doubt it for a second." I didn't know how she knew it was exactly what I needed to hear, I didn't even know I needed to hear it. "You're safe with me." I smiled and kissed her collarbone.

"I know."