Smoke Signals

19 ⚠️

⚠️ SELF HARM ⚠️

I made my way to JJ's place. It was sort of late to come over, 9:30, but I needed to be in her arms. I turned my key in the door and saw her sitting on her couch with a messy bun. "Hey darling." She stood up, closing her book. She looked a bit concerned.

"Hi." I said tiredly, walking over to her and putting my arms around her.

"You ok?" She asked, kissing my temple. I simply shrugged.

"Sorry for coming unannounced...I just needed you."

"It's alright honey. You're welcome anytime."

"Can I sleep here?" I asked quietly, feeling guilty about inviting myself over even though JJ and I had been dating for 5 months. It was rare for us to ever spend a night away from each other, so it honestly just made sense for us to move in together. I wasn't gonna tell her that though, I didn't know how she would take it.

"Of course angel, you always can, you know that."

"Thank you."

"Do you want to go to bed?" I nodded and started to slowly back away from her so we could walk to her bedroom. She pulled me back though. "I can carry you, don't worry." I jumped up and wrapped my legs around her waist. She carried me to bed and gently sat me down on it. She had to pull away for a second so she could get comfortable. She opened her arms again for me to cuddle into her. I rested my head on her chest and sighed, feeling the worst I had in months. Just completely empty.

She let me relax into her, giving me time for our breathing to sync up before speaking again. "Do you want to talk about anything?"

"I don't know." I said quietly. "I just don't feel good." She rubbed my arm up and down and kissed the top of my head.

"Do you need anything? A shower, movie, food?" I shook my head.

"Can we just stay like this, please? I don't want to be alone right now."

"I'm not going anywhere my love." She assured me. I put my arm around her waist and pulled her into me.

About 30 minutes later I heard soft snores coming from her lips and I smiled softly, reaching for her hand and holding it. I knew I wasn't going to be able to sleep tonight. That just wasn't a possibility right now.

JJ started moving around two hours later, I lifted my head off of her chest to let her readjust. "Come back." She mumbled, wrapping her arm back around my waist. I let out a sigh I didn't even mean to let out. "You ok?" She opened her eyes and felt around for my face.

"Ow you poked my eye." I said, flinching back and laughing softly.

"I'm sorry." She cupped my cheek and kissed my forehead.

"I can't sleep." I mumbled.

"Darling why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"I didn't want to wake you up." Her grip on my waist tightened and she pulled me into her more.

"Come on. Talk to me." She said drowsily.

"You're tired." I dismissed her effort for me to open up.

"But baby..." She trailed off due to a yawn. "I want to help. I'll just listen." I took a deep breath.

"Just...one of those moments where you don't really like yourself." She hummed.

"Care to elaborate?" I tilted my head down and rested it against her chest since she was now on her side. She rubbed my back comfortingly. I wrapped my arms around my stomach and curled up. "You don't like your body?" I shrugged. "Scars?" I nodded. "What made you feel bad about them?" She was starting to wake up a little bit.

"I don't know." I mumbled.

"Can I see?" I made myself smaller and shook my head. I knew she just wanted to kiss me and tell me that she loved them and they were nothing to be insecure about but I just don't think I could handle that right now. She pressed a soft kiss to the top of my head. "It's ok, I got you." She rubbed my back slowly.

"I can't go swimming."

"What?"

"I can't go swimming."

"Do you not know how to swim?" I laughed softly at her obliviousness but a frown quickly plastered itself back on my face.

"No...I just...my stomach...my thighs...I can't." For the first time she didn't know what to say. Maybe it was because she was tired, I didn't know. "They're never going to go away...Jayje?"

"I'm still awake baby." She stroked my hair and I sighed. "I want to make you feel better."

"It's ok, just go back to sleep."

"Angel-"

"I'll be fine." She placed another kiss on my head before she fell asleep again.