Smoke Signals

18 ⚠️

⚠️ PANIC ATTACK AND ABUSE ⚠️

I leaned against JJ's kitchen counter as she scrolled on her phone in her bed. "Angel, the Oreos are in the pantry, you know where that is right?" My chest started to heave and I knew if I spoke I would run out of air. I heard her get out of bed and I wanted to run away, not wanting her to see me like this, but my legs wouldn't move. "Whoa, honey what's wrong?" I shook my head. It was November 4th, the day I was usually never around everyone. The day that I usually drank myself to death but I had forgotten it was November 3rd yesterday until this morning. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I was supposed to be all alone today, and the idea of being around JJ the one day I allowed myself to be depressed and wallow stressed me out. Also because...just because it was the anniversary of my mom leaving with my brother, letting me live alone with my dad while he beat me around the house, almost killing me multiple times, the first time being today.

"I-I'm...I'm ok. G-go back to bed."

"Hey, no, I'm not leaving you like this." Her voice was soft and as she reached out to tuck my hair behind my ear I flinched, making her quickly pull her hand back. "Sweetheart-"

"Stop." I breathed out, sliding down the side of the counter and tucking my head between my knees.

"I'm not doing anything."

"M-make it stop."

"Make what stop baby?" She sat down next to me and there was a lump in my throat. I knew that if I were to speak I would start crying. That couldn't happen. I refused to let that happen. "Darling, I understand if you don't want to talk but I really can't help you if you don't tell me what's wrong." She said desperately, not knowing what to do.

"I-I c...can't." I squeezed my eyes shut and I wanted so badly just to fall into her arms and break down. But I couldn't do that.

"Love?" I felt a tear trickle down my cheek and lifted my head up, starting to hit it.

"No, no, no."

"Hey, hey, sweetheart don't do that." She grabbed my hands and pulled them into her lap. She saw the tear on my cheek and her eyes softened. "Hey, angel, it's ok to cry." I shook my head. "It is. I promise." She reached up slowly to tuck my hair behind my ear and I didn't flinch that time.

I tried to hold back my sobs but I couldn't. It sounded miserable, like if you heard it from across the street you would feel the urge to break down crying as well. "It's ok. It's ok my love, come here." She pulled me into her arms and I sobbed into her neck.

"Make it stop." I sobbed, repeating those words countless times. JJ stroked my hair and rubbed my back, whispering words of comfort in my ear. "I can't do this.

"You can't do what?"

"I...it's happening again."

"What's happening again darling?" My sobs had turned to soft whimpers. "Hey, it's ok. It's ok sweetheart, it's just me, I'm right here."

"It's in my head...and you're here. You're here with me and every other time I've been alone." She stayed silent and my body tensed up, memories of my dad beating me, my time in the hospital and hearing the flatline flashed through my mind.

"Baby...baby what's in your head?" I pulled my head away from her shoulder and saw how my tears completely soaked her shirt. I looked down and played with my fingers. "Angel..angel I need you to talk to me, please." She looked desperate. "Please." She said again.

"I died."

"You're not dead, sweetheart you're right here in front of me." It was like she was talking to herself. Her hands dragged up and down my sides gently.

"My heart flatlined." Her brows furrowed. "My mom left with my brother because she didn't want him to get beaten like I did because I guess she loved him more than she loved me because who the hell would leave their daughter to get beaten every night by her abusive father. He almost killed me six times and no one even batted an eye when I showed up at the hospital with broken ribs and bruises all over me, no one fucking cared and I didn't man up until I was 15, letting myself go through 5 more years of abuse because I was too scared to leave daddy because him beating me was alright because he told me he loved me after he was done."

She listened to every word I said, intently watching my face as it twitched angrily. "Despite me never..." I trailed off as my lips wavered. "I didn't do anything...but I still...I still somehow feel like it's my fault and that I deserved all of it." She shook her head.

"Darling none of it was your fault. No, don't say that." She shook her head. "And you didn't deserve it. No one does. Can you look at me?" I looked at her hesitantly and blinked away tears. She wiped the remaining ones off of my face. "You didn't deserve it." My lips trembled. "Do you hear me?" I was honestly really confused as to how she had taken all of this information in and wasn't asking questions, like why I hadn't told her before or why I was telling her now. I was also shocked that she hadn't interrupted me during my rant to ask any questions. She was right. She was a good listener.

"I hear you."

"I know you probably don't believe that right now. But I'm always here." She whispered, kissing my forehead. "I'm always here if you need anything. Always, please don't ever doubt that." I nodded. "I'm always here." She repeated, kissing my forehead again. I put my arms around her.

"You really are a good listener." I rested my forehead on her shoulder. "Thank you."

"Of course angel."