Smoke Signals

33 ⚠️

⚠️ SELF HARM AND EATING DISORDER ⚠️

I tried to take a deep breath to decompress in the break room. I had been trying so hard to be ok for JJ, so she didn't constantly feel like she was going to lose me, but no matter how much I ignored how terrible I felt and how much I tried to make it better I couldn't seem to shake the feeling.

Forcing myself to eat wasn't working, it would just make me throw it up later when I thought about it which made me feel completely pathetic.

The urge to hurt myself was coming every night and I just had to remind myself to stay clean for JJ. It worked, but I didn't know how my ch longer it would.

I let out a soft sob, glad that I was alone. Ever since I had opened up to JJ and cried to her I had become so much more emotionally vulnerable to her. She was the only person I cried in front of, the only person I would cry in front of.

I filled up my coffee mug while tears streamed down my face. My lips were trembling and I was hoping that nobody would walk in. I was sort of trapped, if I left the room everyone would see me crying but if I stayed then someone who walked in would see me crying.

"Hey Blair!" Penelope said enthusiastically. I bit my lip and squeezed my eyes shut, quickly wiping the tears off of my face. Her smile dropped as soon as she saw my face. "Are you crying? Oh my sweet basket of love what's wrong?"

"Nothing. I'm fine."

"Blair-"

"I'm fine. Don't tell anyone." I mumbled.

"Ok." She said sadly. "Can you just give me a tiny hint as to what's going on?" She came over to stand next to me and I hid my face from her.

"No. Just...can you leave Pen? Please?"

"Ok." She looked hurt as she walked away. I clenched my jaw and sat down at the break room table, sipping my coffee while holding back tears.

2 hours later I was sitting down at my desk, doing some paperwork. I looked up from my files when I saw JJ out of the corner of my eye. She pulled up a chair next to me. "Hey." She said softly.

"Hi."

"Garcia told me you were crying earlier." She put her hand on my knee. "Do you want to talk?" I was grateful for the support, I really was, she knew I didn't cry unless something was seriously wrong, I had only cried 3 times so she knew I was sort of breaking down right now.

"No. I'm ok." I lied. I saw her eyes darken with sadness. I had always talked to her and I was shutting her out.

"You know you can talk to me though right?" I nodded and gave her an assuring smile. She squeezed my knee and left.

When we got home I was on the brink of tears again. I felt so fucking guilty for not being able to get better for her. I wanted to be ok so that she wouldn't worry about me but it took time and I desperately wanted to speed the process up and it wasn't speeding up at all. "Darling?" She asked.

"Hm?" She sighed.

"Can you please talk to me?"

"I...I don't know what you want me to talk about."

"Seriously? Garcia told me you were crying earlier and you never cry, you never cry unless you feel like the world is ending." Overstatement but ok. "Just...talk to me because I know it would take a lot for you to cry and I want to be here for you but I really don't know how to do that if you're not talking to me." I took a deep breath.

"I'm not getting better."

"Ok, that's ok baby." She told me. "Is that what's bothering you?" I was shocked. I expected her to look disappointed or sad but she wasn't. She was just a bit sympathetic and concerned as to why that was bugging me. "Y-you're not mad?"

"Why would I be mad?" She looked confused.

"I don't know, it doesn't matter." I tried to walk away but she stopped me.

"Sweetheart, why did you think I was going to be mad?"

"I don't know." I said, avoiding her gaze with tears in my eyes. "I'm just...I'm trying to get better. I'm trying to get better for you-"

"For me?"

"Yeah." I told her shakily.

"Honey, don't do that for me, do that for you." She said sincerely.

"But if I do it for me I won't do it." The silence was deafening. "I have to do it for you unless it won't happen." Her eyes looked sad. It's not like she felt sorry for me but it was almost there. "I love you JJ. I love you more than anything in this universe combined." There was a tear rolling down my cheek. "I don't love myself. I can't do learn to do that unless I have something worth doing it for. You are worth doing it for." Her eyes softened.

It's not good to rely on someone so much to this point. But I didn't care. I knew that it was true. I would never get better if I didn't do it for her. I had to do it for her. I had to.

"Ok." She finally said. "Do it for me."