Midnights Like This

Part 3, 26. Motorbike

     There's nothing that really catches my eye quite like the sight of a strong, beautiful, confident woman with a powerful machine between her legs. You always wanted a motorbike, your dad had one and I always just saw it as a big red clunk of metal, but you always said that when you were older you wanted to drive it because of how cool it was and that you weirdly loved it. Yesenia, you were the only woman that I ever wanted to be with, because you were so cool and weirdly, I loved you. I loved you before I even realized that I liked guys, and sometimes I think if It was because I was too much of a coward to ask you out, or because I lost hope, if that was why I became gay.

     I was best friends with you and your un-identical twin sister, Juli, who I think knew that this whole time I was in love with you. We sure were best friends, I mean we had the same tastes when it came to everything; music, TV shows, humor, and a bunch of other stuff, but I wanted you to know that I wanted us to be more than that. I remember when I met you in kindergarten because you are cousins with my best friend Alexa, who like Valeria, I consider a sister. We didn't go to kindergarten together but you came to me and Alexa's school in 7th grade and that's when I met you again, and you were the most beautiful girl that I had ever seen in my entire life. It was like you were a siren and I was trapped under the influence of your beautiful voice and majestic mermaid-like beauty that could not be captivated by any other woman that I had ever met in my entire life. To this day, even though I think I only like guys, I would still want to be with you because to this day, I still love you with all my heart, Yesi. I thought about you often in military school, usually when I was thinking about Roy, because I would often compare and contrast imaginary relationships in my head, between me and you and me and Roy. Sometimes I am too confused to admit that I once loved, still love, a girl, but you weren't just any girl, you were but one of the most beautiful, wonderful, kindest human beings to ever be brought into this world.

     I fear I have fallen from grace. The last time I saw you I was everyone's friend, a perceived good person by all, I am afraid you wouldn't wanna know me now. Where I am now, both location and in my own mental state, I'm a bad guy but I don't want to be, that's just what it becomes. I want to reach back out to you but I'm afraid that you have forgotten about me or have a boyfriend, or worse, you've moved on with new friends to replace who I was. You know what? Maybe I will reach out to you, I need to get to know you again, but first, I need to ask my sister to see what's going on in your life before I barge in. It's so funny, everything we've been through together and how I trusted you so much but I still couldn't find myself asking you out. I remember when that girl Naomi came up to me in the hallway and told me that she liked me in front of you and a few of my other friends. I mean, Naomi was nice and all and if I was straight by default I maybe would've said yes, but I loved you and you were the only girl I have ever fallen in love with. Sometimes when I think about how much of a coward I am, I think about you, and how I just wish that I could be riding along with you on a motorbike, on midnights like this.