Midnights Like This

Part 2, 13. Question...?

     You have the same birthday as me, just a year older. You have muscles and great hair and a super likable personality and Oh, My, God... You are so, uh, good looking. Can I ask you a question...? Tell me, Trevor, what must it be like to grow up that beautiful? I want to know. Please tell me? Allow me to walk a day in your shoes just so I can experience having the smile on your face that blinds the masses of the school every single day to the point where your happiness makes me cry at night. I want that bizarre influence over people, where I am so pretty and happy where others' envy makes them rip their own guts out and cry tears equivalent to that of the great lakes. Don't blame me, but I disagree with the fact that your life is so perfect. So, please, can I ask you a question...?

     Do you remember that morning where we first met? My first day of military school, no? Well, I guess I was irrelevant to you anyways. I mean, you literally had a "James Dean daydream look in your eye" as Taylor Swift would say. I knew from the first moment I saw you, I wanted to be you. You were so perfect in every way, except you only had a 93 average in algebra 1 and I had a 105, but that's math so who cares. You were flawless, it was timeless, and God, I was so mindless. How did you have so many friends? They all seem so real too, I mean you don't have any fake friends, how do you do it? All of the teachers and all of the drill instructors and all of the bullies and all of the-, well, you get the point, they all loved you! I wish I was perfect, because Trevor, you are. Whoever said "quality over quantity is important when making friends" must have not had enough. How do you manage to have so much fun? Maybe it'll come as a shock to you, but I am a broken, depressed person who is going nowhere in life. Seeing you so happy gives me hope, but it also shows me what I don't have, what I have been longing for my entire life...

     Last December I was telling a friend how jealous I was of you, they told me that you wanted to hurt me. Well, he was joking, and I believed him because I wanted a hoax to believe in to make my life more interesting. I look back on the day when Miguel, my roommate, told you that I thought you wanted to attack me and when you came to apologize; well, I ran... I still wonder if you hate me but I'm sorry. My jealousy wanted me to believe you had a flaw, the flaw being anger issues. But goddamn, you really are perfect. Also, sorry for gossiping and kind of telling everyone about what I thought you were planning. I remember that you came up to me at the animal care club beach cleanup and told me that you would tell everyone that me and Charlie dated if I didn't stop. Although everyone already has their own idea about what happened between us, I still didn't want it to be brought up again.

     Why am I writing to you? Well It's because I'm going through the same problem again. My cousin goes to this dreadful school and he's so popular and cool and he's friends with all the popular and pretty kids. I wish he would talk to me because he seems like a decent guy, but I know how awkward I look, so I understand... All of his friends are so intimidating, I wish I had friends like that. They seem so real, like they would fight anyone for him. Who knows if they are even popular or intimidating, my paranoia leaves me to believe that everyone is so much better than me, which may be true, but I wish I had more confidence in myself to find out. I don't want to hate myself, but sometimes the loathing and envy is simply too much for me to handle... My jealousy lingers like a scar-shaped kiss, while it haunts all of my "what ifs", and no smell of smoke should hang around this long, but I see now that everything is wrong.

     I realize now that I didn't just want to be you, I wanted you. Looking back it makes sense, but I didn't know it would feel so benign. I usually knew what I wanted but I guess my focus was empty, like tunnel vision on fresh meat. I wish I could see you again, you always gave such good advice despite how intimidating you were. It seemed like you forgave me near the end of last year, so I guess, thank you for not thinking I was that weird. We probably would've been really good friends too, I mean, we are basically the same person, only with subtle differences. So many questions, so many questions... One thing I learned from you I guess is that, if you have something to ask someone, ask them before it's too late, before you lose them. I'll keep that in mind when I think about my millions of questions I wish to ask people. Maybe I am insane for wanting to know the answers to everything, but deep down, doesn't everyone? So let me ask you one last time, Trevor, can I ask you the questions I thought of on midnights like this one...?