Midnights Like This

Part 3, 27. 1s + 0s

     Call me paranoid, but sometimes I think life is one big stupid program, like we are all just a bunch of ones and zeroes destined for the worst. Sometimes I can't identify surplus or deficits when it comes to choosing my friends, at least until we've crawled through mud and rolled down through the trenches. Sometimes I wonder if my name was safe in your mouth... Meet me in the only tense that is present, you could've just held down my line of defense until I cemented it. If only you followed me; intrinsic in motive, if it didn't go the way that we both supposed it to be. There are so many ones out there, but there are also so many zeroes, so don't call me the one unless I'm the only one. I confided too much in you, and that's a problem and a recent addiction that I have developed. Maybe I shouldn't have been so distracted by the fact that at first you were a real friend, Mia, but you know what I was going through and you still let me down in the end. Yet another relationship ruined by Roy, maybe he is the root of all of my problems? I'll never know, but we can always wonder.

     It's sad how friendships can be so binary, you are either fake from the start, or there is an instant platonic connection. With you, it was fluctuating, but it died out to just mere binary code. I'll thank you and your sister for standing by me when the hardships came, but I felt that when I really needed you, I was left to the wolves. If that's how it's gonna be, I'm worried I told you too much, so let me ask you again; was my name even safe in your mouth? I was so obscured by Roy and his jilted love that I didn't pay that much attention to you, the best friend that stood by me every time I cried because of every time I saw a sign of me and Roy not working out. It was a few weeks before I went to that Melanie Martinez concert, when you stopped talking to me because I tried to guess what flavor of soda you were drinking. Of course that wasn't the sole reason why, but it was an anticlimactic last straw. The reason is because 1. Like Brody, you got annoyed because of how much I would cry over Roy, and 2. I prank called your crush, but I never told him you liked him or anything, he didn't even know you gave me his number. I want to say sorry, and I am sorry, but you could've been more supportive of my process in getting over him.

     I called you the other day, you picked up the phone after we hadn't talked in over 3 months, thankfully you forgave me but you didn't wanna be friends anymore because too much had happened. I understand where you are coming from but I still wanted to give our friendship another chance. Your sister Oskaryna seemed to have missed me but I understand if she didn't want to be friends anymore either. At least we had a good 2 hour conversation. It really did choke me when I heard that you guys didn't wanna be friends anymore, but I guess sometimes you have to let people go. If only life wasn't a bunch of ones and zeroes; maybe people would be real more often when it comes to making friends, but for now, I'm just counting the ones and zeroes around me in the system, on midnights like this.