Midnights Like This

Part 3, 30. Hard

     You don't know how hard it is to be who I am. How hard it is to make friends with my social issues caused by my dad, how hard it is to keep a secret unless I bite my lip every few minutes, although the secret part is one thing I've gotten better at. It's just so hard, oh, so hard, you wouldn't know. You are so beautiful, you have a great personality, and a great girlfriend. I wish you knew how hard it was to be me, and I wish I knew how easy it was to be you. Could you, could you please step in my shoes? I wanna see what it's like to have nothing to lose. I could give you millions of reasons why your life is so much better than mine, and you can use the excuse that my life is "interesting" or "exciting" or "daring" and it is, but certainly not in a good or beneficial way. It's so hard to get my message across, but if you ever change your mind, give me a call and I'd be happy to keep you company. If you ever get lonely, just call me, I can be just as good as one of your girls. It's so hard to rekindle old friendships that have run their course, like the one with Mia, or Brody, even Omari who could never forgive me.

     Hard, oh my body's so hard, stab me; it leaves no mark, I only shoot to hit the mark. I'm only ever breathing to keep my intellect sharp. Dark, yes, my sense of humor is very dark, it's terrifying for a spark. And I see you reach in, could you catch me off guard? I keep my knives sharp if I must tear you apart; wherever you are. You'll never cut me because I'm so hard. I cannot trust what I cannot throw very far, woke up and as tired as I was, I was working on myself like a car. You thought that it was tough, but you approached it and it crumbled with a touch. So much heartbreak, my body's so hard, so many scars and my body's still hard, lingering past and mini-strokes, fast, my body will always be hard. No spine, no right, no love, no dice, I always pay the price. You test me and always try to make me cry, why the hell do I always finish everyone's fights?

     So difficult to fit in. They'll all call me a cry-baby if I show my true self, underneath the hardness of my shell. Almost as if there are faucets in my eyes, if they end up being turned in public I think I might just die. When I go out in public, mom says "go make friends". But my awkwardness and ugliness begins my inevitable end. No one wants to know me, people think they know me, you don't wanna know me, I don't even know me. Just bury me six feet deep, cover me in concrete, just turn me into a street. I will arise anew as a road with a fresh start, only to erode after the first few hundred cars. I hoped that this new school that I was going to soon, would help me fix myself and become a crescent moon; beautiful in the portion that Is revealed by sunlight but the part hidden in the shadows is the one you don't wanna know about. They always want to test me when they look to fill the crown, but don't put me in power I will only let you down. I would watch my empire swimming in my tears to drown, and the anger of the ones I left would cause my castles to crumble to the ground. They tell you to respect him, just because he's weird but it isn't genuine at all and in secret you're in fear. He's really hard though, he can't be broken through, his only enemies are everybody else and you. You hang around too long and you'll taste death's kiss, because being nice is hard on sad, sad midnights like this.