Midnights Like This

Part 3, 24. Linger

     The day after what you did to me, it was Sunday, my mom asked you if I could come to the family cookout and you were skeptical about letting me go with her. You reminded me not to tell anyone about where the cuts and bruises came from, you told me to say I fell down a hill. I agreed, I couldn't let anyone see that I liked men. It was just like when Charlie tried to make our relationship public, I just wanted to stay in the shadows in the lavender haze. So I went with my mom to the party, there was a pool there. I took off my shirt to go into the pool and I completely forgot about the discolored greenish, bluish, purple bruised skin that my body was violently painted with. She came over to me and asked where they came from, I told her what you told me, I fell down a hill. She didn't believe me. She asked if it was your doing so I admitted everything, from kissing dudes to "making fun of God" to being beat up and strangled by you. You can tell me that it's human nature to be too interlaced with danger, but tell me, were you always just a stranger? Was it always a strange love? A love of expectations and unrealistic ideologies? The pain that you gave to me; mental, emotional, physical... They all linger within me like blood. Sometimes I wonder if what you did to me could be justified, but I'm starting to think that it couldn't.

     That night my mom hid me from you because she wanted us to go to the authorities about what you did. So we stayed at her friend's house in case you came to look for me at her place. The next day we went to the police station and the police saw the visible pain all over my body caused by you. Later that night you were arrested for what you had done, only to be released the next day. We were scheduled to go to court on Tuesday the next week to get a restraining order against you. I am not going to lie, I was prepared to have to see you in the courtroom until I finally saw you. I was terrified like a deer in headlights, like a ladybug playing dead when it feels that a bored human is about to come over and reduce it to pieces of bug guts. Long story short, I had to spend 3 hours in a courtroom with you and it was one of the scariest moments in my life, which may seem underwhelming considering everything else I've been through, but trauma is a powerful effect which can make even the most minuscule things seem terrifying and life-threatening.

     I then returned home only to start what was a very boring summer, I didn't do much. The few highlights of my summer was hanging out with my friend Mia a lot, I went to a concert, traveled with my grandparents, and some other stuff that isn't really relevant. I was and still am scared that you are somewhere, or have someone, watching me, lingering, because I know that it's something you would do. You are supposed to be paying child support so I can go back to military school away from this place, but you haven't so we have to keep going back to court. You have always been so obnoxious and rude, and just so you know, a lot of people think I'm an asshole and I blame you; you always would do the wrong thing without knowing you did the wrong thing, sadly that's something I inherited from you. I lack self awareness when it comes to what's right and what's wrong, and no one understands that, because it's something that runs in our family and it's something that you second-handedly taught me. Everyone, including myself, sees how your awful personality lingers within me, and how 13 years worth of pain from you lingers within me, you still linger in my goddamn thoughts on midnights like this.