Midnights Like This

Part 4, 38. Stagger

     A crisis without a cause, a faith put in a false god. A misstep of emoting, I'm just tryna get to where I'm going. A new way to call it off, you leaned in when I told you to stop, and now my heart is quickly imploding, still tryna get to where I'm going. You just stagger on through life backwards. You're quite the oppositionist, so your habits; you're not trying to quit, and out of fear and loathing you're just tryna get to where you're going. You see the mountain is simply a cliff, and I can't talk you down from it because the road home is eroding, I'm worried you don't know where you're going. Now I'm waving the white flag, I had your back but you got me bad. My loyalty has put me back and I'm learning lessons and I hope I don't get attached.

     I really liked you and you just had to stagger all over me like I was trash. I know I am irrelevant but I feel like I really liked you, you could've let me down easier than that. You kind of people are sick in the head, and I see that now. I cry on my internal organs when I think about how much I believed in an "us". I would've given you everything and I don't even know you. Now I'm burning like a dying star, I wanted you to catch me in your baseball mitt, I was so tired of dirt and grit. I just wanted something soft to hold onto, I wanted you. I'm a fish in a bucket, thrashing and she tried to take me out. I got hooks in my mouth, listen to me when I say that I'm in pain because I just want something soft. I give into the fall and it's cold out here, in my own heart, my own mind, down feathers over rocks I died and I landed with both of my hands in the mud. I felt like a god when you looked into my eyes, I wanted to just sleep on your shoulder, I wanted to show you I cared, I loved you like a waterfall and continued to fall. I'm still burning like a dying star, there's invasive weeds rooted in my heart and I'm set in a crooked trajectory. The journey to get here was hard and I was almost pulled apart, but I'm trying to leave the orbit so I took what's left of me. I see the forest as it reaches out to guide me and the blue fire paths of the fireflies and will-o'-wisps. They try to illuminate the darkness' old tricks but I'm nobody's captive, so I asked her not to kill me politely but she drained me of my life and energy and bottled me up at the source. I washed up at the sea glass shores, I'm nobody's captain.

     I've been so patient, twiddling my thumbs, she should be lobotomized, make her eyes vacant. There's nowhere to run in this simulation, I'm having so much fun it's like a celebration. It feels like a detonation, peace, love, meditation. I wanna take you like a drug, my eyes dilating. I've been iced in hibernation and my roots are stuck in the pavement, no stimulation, I swear I'm gonna photosynthesize. We always knew it would come to this, we knew that I would be the one to eliminate her, her ego, her roots of influence. She's a weedkiller, she's running with scissors. I'm making knives out of the ribs she broke and I will be the one to put an end to her dominion of you. I'll bring her to a junkyard, I'll throw her in the car crusher, I'm an apex predator going for the jugular; rip it out, i'll tie it to a knot. She better pray to God and say goodbye, making amends because it's time, metal death with my wrathful scythe, titanium spine, and I ignite. Photosynthesize, no, she's no friend of mine, I cryofreeze and crystallize, I cut the power lines, floral fantasize, little weedkiller making sure the lawn is mowed. I've been training for murder, and she's confused, she thinks she's your sheep herder.

     It's a brand new day and I swear I'll be better for you, the world is burning and I laugh at the blaze, I wanna bleach my hair and change my name. I want you to play my life like a video game and I won't mind because I'm driving through flames. I'm always thinking of new ways to self-sabotage. Well, it's too late, my neck breaks and I love a self-sabotage. Though it's a brand new day, I got a brand new grin; feels like a colony of ants underneath my skin, it's like my bones decay and now I'm gelatin. I swear to you I'm better than Miss Parasite Possessor. Nothing matters and I promise I'll be fine, I keep my best friends chilling all up in my mind, I watch it as it splatters into the sky and like I said before I promise I'll stay fine. I just hope that someday you're walking less straight but not too bad that it causes you to stagger, just enough to make you willing for a kiss, but I can only dream on midnights like this.