Midnights Like This

Part 3, 25. Church Outfit

     This is the dress I want to be buried in... Leave the rings, I might need them. Unholy water, take a sip. This is my church outfit. Have you ever thought of what happens after death? I mean, everyone does, right? You were the first to make me think more in-depth about the afterlife, because I thought I loved you when we were together, Luciano. I never talk about you because you are irrelevant. Sure, I was with you before Charlie, but it's the way it all went down that broke me. We were together 2 months before I moved away to go to military school, and you couldn't wait until I left to cheat on me? With the girl that I've known so long that I consider her my sister, Valeria. I hate how hastily I become obsessed, you were my first "Roy", I can't believe I thought about wanting to die with you. I remember when we first met in church, you caught my eye, you were my church outfit. It was love at first sight, as some may call it. I've always wanted to blame us not working out because you are younger than me, only by one day. You were born on September 15th, 2009. The day after me, but still, I am going to blame your infidelity on your youth. Sure, I cheated once, but Roy had been my unhealthy obsession for 3 months, and I had only been with Justice for like 4 days. It's still wrong, but I can say that I regret it.

     The reason I'm talking to you right now is because you seemed to have poisoned me. After I got the restraining order against my dad, I went to church and I saw you again. There I was in my church outfit crying in the bathroom because like a traumatic wave of almost nostalgic-betrayal-PTS, I realized that I had been missing you even though I hadn't thought about you in months. I also realized that life is too short for you to be doing to me whatever you think you are doing, and whatever is waiting for me in the afterlife, is whatever the afterlife in and of itself plans to be. I can't believe that you wanted me back, well, I mean, I can. What I really can't believe is that you actually thought I would feel the same way for a cheater that plans to dispose of me whenever he desires. You wanted to be my church outfit again, but I would rather die than give you the satisfaction. Isn't it funny how some time and some breakups can lead a person to have the audacity to ask their victim of unfaithfulness to be theirs again.

     Maybe I'm hypocritical, not because I try to get back together with people that I cheat on, but because even though I know for almost a fact that Roy cheated on me and I want him to want me back. My "sister AKA one of my best friends" never told me exactly why you guys broke up, except that she dated your cousin afterward. Here's another thing that I forgot to mention, she didn't even know that we were dating, let alone the fact that I liked guys when you cheated on me. That's the WORST part. It almost makes me think that you were straight and you were trying to "experiment" with me. I am no lab rat, NOBODY is to experiment on me if they are unsure of who they like. You can figure that out on your own, you don't need me to do it. You don't know the way that straight guys can hurt us when they do that, because my people can never experience true love or affection with an "experimenter". So just remember that next time you make a move on some unsuspecting person who is already perfectly happy with their lives, in absence of you. As mad as I am, I'm not a monster. I'm sorry about the loss of your sister but to be fair, she died after we dated, so you can't blame what you did on that. Also, your cousin cheated on my sister, so I guess unfaithfulness of relationships run in your blood. Your mom is a nice lady, don't ruin that for her with your perversions.

     Life is a commercial for death, and you're hypnotized by the advertisement. Anger is something I work to manifest in those who try to screw me over. It's always fun to watch how you guys crumble down like the castle walls of an exiled ruler. I'd be your treacherous empire, rising against you to drive you out of our fallen kingdom while choking the opportunity to rise up again. I don't need your church outfit, I have one already that belongs to me and me only. It's my confession and my testament, I don't need your weapons, I got my own. And you said I couldn't commit; this is my church outfit. I never thought about you until tonight, because I planned to go to church today, but I slept in. I thought about you and everything that you did to me as I was resting in my church outfit, saying my illicit prayers on midnights like this.