Midnights Like This

Part 2, 19. Bigger Than The Whole Sky

     I didn't wanna leave, I mean, this place was bigger than the whole sky to me. It was my refuge from the chaos awaiting me back home, incompetent siblings, crazy parents but mostly my dad, and a plastic family that pretends to care. I couldn't go back because it was too late, I f***ed up. You always thought I was too shy to speak my mind, well you didn't have to wait too long for that to happen. You shouldn't have ruined it all because of your stupid, stupid, stupid ideologies.

     You give her a face and a name that isn't hers, then you make her yours. You say she's adored, then call her a whore. Afterwards you pick her up and throw her on the floor, well, I'm still getting to know her and all of her deep rooted anger on the inside. You'll never recognize her; if you encounter her, she picks herself up every time, and puts herself back together. You look at her, you give her a taste before immediately taking it away, it's like she's under your thumb and you tell her to stay. You tell her "don't say a word" or "don't disobey", but you don't know that when she woke up, she ran away. You still run your mouth to keep her scared, it's sad, you expected her to care. She's a mastermind bitch, and you were ill-fully prepared. Now tell me, have you observed? Tell me, what did you learn? Well the girl that you knew will never, ever, be yours. I'm getting to know her, and she's still angry, and she's still an anti-hero.

     How did she get so mean? How did she get so mean, you ask yourself. Your head and your heart hate each other because they are operating freely from each other. You ask them "Can you keep a secret? Keep it undercover". Every day you wake up it's a struggle, right? She loved you when she was under your spell, and you hated her when she gave you hell. You would always judge her till she's blue, like you always do. You taught her how to hate herself, ugh. Well she hates everything, how did she get there? How did she get so mean? Dirt was all up in her wounds, you saw her, she was on her knees just begging for the truth. You asked her, "Which side are you gonna choose?" whatever side is without you, she screamed. She couldn't ever feel a thing, yeah, now she can't hear herself think, and she still hates everything. You still ask yourself, how did she get so mean? How did she get there? How did you get there? You should've just let her stay in the lavender haze.

     You crossed many lines and you didn't know what you had done, as if some chain reaction happened and it's too late to run. You looked at her, she looked at you, and you knew what she was going to do. There's no bandage to lessen that damage, from the way you hurt her, when she sees red, she goes, her serotonin flows because the wicked don't ever end. She gives as good as she gets. You know you have no advantage to lessen the damage. She's a sharpshooter, when she finds her target, she will point and shoot. She'll hit you where it hurts, don't try to move... You look at her again, she looks back. Leave her, don't touch her, she'll be the one to destroy herself, because when she sees red she goes, and that snow on the beach keeps falling.

     You can't expect her to be in control of her moods, she lights up like a short fuse around you. Like a little girl with something to prove, that must be what she likes about you. She can't contain her emotions, like, there's no box big enough to hold them. She tries her best at rationalizing every stupid thing you do, but there's no title for the classification. She didn't mean to scare you, It's just her hysteria, don't think she meant to do you any harm. I'm so sorry that she hit you so hard. It's like a wave, when it washes over her, chemicals rage all over her body and she'll bite her cheeks to keep herself from talking. It's hard enough to just live in her thoughts. She just really, really hopes you know that she didn't mean to scare you whatsoever, it's just her hysteria under the maroon sky.

     It was the way that I envisioned it, the end was near. I waited in my room for an apology, like waiting for the sun to go down, except it never did, never does. I knew I would go back, I knew I'd see them all again for the freshmen chapter of my life, of my love. I never did, now I'm at a new school, more tortuous than the last. Every day I walk in through those doors it is as if my emotions and my ability to love had been slain by a flaming sword of fate, I can't bring myself to have the confidence to confess, the confidence to say it out loud or to be able to survive my own thoughts for they are the things keeping me stuck in the void. The only way to keep moving forward is to not look back, and it seems like I'm failing in that area too. That place was always bigger than the whole sky, but now it's time to say goodbye. I still can't say goodbye, because I never could, and I still can't on midnights like this.