Midnights Like This

Part 4, 39. Spit

     I really didn't know who you were, well, I didn't know who you were at all. All I knew is that you were associated with my crush in some way and I knew that I needed to become friends with you to get closer to him, but I faced some obstacles along the way and you were one of them, not in the way you'd expect. You see, I had seen you staring at me on multiple occasions such as homecoming, freshmen elections, and through the cafeteria window until you finally found my number and prank called me, Evi. I asked around geometry class about who you were and I described you accurately according to what I saw. Someone told me what your name was and from there I took it as a win, one step closer to becoming friends with you so I could become friends with my crush. One thing that is strange about me is that I can only truly get over someone that I have a crush on if I become friends with them. So I wanted to become friends with him, whether we got together or not didn't matter, whenever I become friends with someone I like or dislike it always seems to overcome any hard feelings. You got my number from that evil gremlin child I knew, Nico, and he was also the one to spread around a poem about a guy I used to like who was in my geometry class along with Nico. No one seemed to like that fact that I liked the kid who I wrote the poem about, lets just call him G, and his friends came after me and shamed me and prosecuted me just because I liked him and it put me in a really bad place, a very dark place, a life threatening place as some might say...

     I tried to act like I wasn't hurting so bad from all of the hate I was getting, but I think I'll just take this hate and spit, because it's not like these people who spread rumors about me are any better than me or anything. They are truly all cowards considering none of them could tell me how much they hated me to my face. Nico went around leaking the poem about G and I didn't know it was him who was leaking the poem but I knew someone was and that's why people were laughing at me in the hallways. It was a Friday when you finally prank called me when I was in Algebra class. You then texted me, trolling me and sending me pictures of my other crush, let's call him A. I didn't know what to say but "Oh, is that the quiet kid?", because I was so embarrassed to have fallen for someone I didn't even know. You were kind of a jerk, well, not really, but in my eyes you were because I knew you had heard that I liked A, and I had a feeling you weren't very happy with that. After school was over I blocked you because I was mad that someone had found out about something that I tried to keep inside. By this point, I didn't even like A anymore because I had a feeling that you, Evi, were his girlfriend or something and I don't go after straight guys, let alone guys in relationships. Over the weekend I kept you blocked because I was semi-heartbroken. After almost two months of liking this random quiet guy in secret, my cover was finally blown and to make matters worse I was made fun of for it. But like I said, I can only really get over someone if I become friends with them, because it solidifies the impossibility of being with them other than platonically.

     On Monday I unblocked you because I wanted to be friends with you to become friends with A, to get over him. I mean, he seems like he would be a cool friend anyways, my friend Nahun told me he has the same birthday as me because of this post on Instagram or Snapchat from a guy named Patrick who said "Happy birthday *name*". But after I unblocked you I faced an obstacle in the process of trying to use you for your connection, the obstacle was you. You see, after we started talking I realized that I wanted to be friends with you because you have an awesome personality, so much so that I kind of fell in love with you, but now we are just friends because like I said, becoming friends with someone is the only way to make me move on, and I guess that worked with you as well even though I only actually had a crush on you very briefly. You had told me that these two girls named Elizabeth and Faith had told you that I liked your friend A. I knew who Elizabeth was because she was this kind of creepy girl who always eavesdropped on what I said to my friend Mickey at lunch, which is probably how she found out. Because back when I liked A, when I first started to like him, I always asked Mickey questions asking who his friends were, whether or not he was gay, and who he had dated in the past. It seemed like no one knew anything about him which made me more intrigued. I had no idea who Faith was, and she had never even sat with me at lunch, so someone probably told her that I talked about A frequently even though I barely talked about him, only to Mickey, because I didn't want to raise any suspicions.

     You might be wondering why I liked A significantly longer than G. Well the truth is, I usually get over people if I write a poem about them. When I wrote a poem about G, I got over him pretty much instantly but as many poems as I wrote about A I never seemed to get over how much I was mistakenly lovestruck and I cringe so much thinking about it, thus, that is why I want to be friends with him, to help the process of moving on. I still cannot believe that so many people, including people I didn't even know had hated me so much, I wonder what I did to them... A few days after we had first met, you told me that rumors went around saying that I liked A and G, and I wanted to get over them so bad, but at the same time, I did used to like them. I don't want to keep secrets from you anymore but I am just so afraid of losing you like how I have lost so many other people in my life because of long kept secrets. I just hope that if you find out, you won't want to leave me like so many others have. I just hope I'm able to just take all of this hate and spit, but lately I've been choking on the hate, on my own spit, and I really hope I'm just able to overcome and get all of this hate to go away on midnights like this.