Midnights Like This

Part 3, 31. Flicker

     Never put your grimy hands on my steering wheel, like you're trying to choke me off the road, I'll be the driver of my own life. I'm vigilant and self assured and my heart is very hard, you'll never run me off of that road. I'll never be fooled by my own heart; you're calling me virginal, or other perversions of someone who could cut you up; surgical... Oh Lord, please be merciful, while I flicker between fear, and a vision of forever, that's too. Much. Time; for you to change. Your. Mind... I'm only flickering between fear and a vision of forever. I am mine and you are mine and I am not yours, I worked you like a manual when you flip it in reverse. Stutter, shutter, shift and mutter I'll watch you contort, I am one but you're the other; so get the hell out of my car.

     School was a week away, and I didn't want to go, I knew I would have underlying trauma due having unfinished business at military school. They say 8th grade is the hardest socially, but I'm feeling like I proved them wrong. Kids are so cruel, especially the ones that you go to high school with. Like a fear and forever, I flicker between moods and wills to live like a lights switch working overtime. Too many people here, and too many people that I can count on to let me down hastily. I feel as though I was told to walk through 17 mazes, and as I approached the end, I was told to traverse through many more. This flickering is too much for me, being ripped through the reality I see through the lenses of my eyes, over and over again. They say it's easy to choose who you want to be in a world of endless possibilities, but it's not easy to change who you are at the core. As we grow and develop, things change and phases pass, and some things that are developed within you do not pass, or flicker. They simply flicker, between back and forth, zig and zag, add and subtract, take and grab it back. I love how everything is socially constructed to be something that it isn't, something that is called by its name or something else that could change what it becomes. You can flicker between different states of consciousness and mindsets when it comes to who you can like through all of the ones and zeroes, because not everything is binary, it is a flux. Like something collecting dust in the attic, an old view of life cannot get you by in today's world, you need to be open to various different opportunities and people, and relationships with people who wouldn't usually be fitting to your taste. The depression can linger like dust spun by a motorbike as it passes you by, it always finds its way back as much as you try to extinguish it as if it was a house fire, that burned your favorite church outfit, but you could always get new ones. Nothing you need is a knockoff that doesn't even look like the real thing, because even if it did look like the real thing, it would be hypnotizingly better than knowing that what you had was a knockoff.

     There is nothing you can do to flicker someone else, there is nothing you can do when they are walking through hell, there is little you can do when someone holds a grudge, you can try to fix it just don't try to get them to budge. Like papers stacked and bystanders attacked, I try to figure it out myself, but all you really need to do is put a lock on your mouth. I don't know what others think, but something tells me nothing nice, it's really not my fault they do, it just means they're in crisis. I try, I try, I try so hard to make up for what I've done, but in the end when I face my fears all I can do is run. The lights flicker on and off again as I'm lying up in my room, and something about the faded shine makes me think of you, so it flickers and flickers over and over again, until I'm finally ready to go to bed; for tomorrow school starts after a treacherous midnight like this.