Unconditionally (BOOK 3)

Treacherous Mind

It's officially November 1st, which means ten days have passed since everything with ESteem happened. I stayed with San and Wooyoung until Jungkook finally came. I'll be going back tomorrow, but I needed to see Felix. I've secretly been struggling with trying to cope and I feel like I'm losing control. I've been clean for a year, why am I thinking about this? I was so upset with myself.

Felix didn't know I was coming. I thought it would be a nice surprise. Luckily we only had to do this for another month. I couldn't wait for filming to be over so he can finally come back home.

I knocked on his hotel room door, waiting for him to answer.

"Who is it?" He called out from inside.

"Room service."

"Wrong room."

"Open the damn door." I laughed.

"Hyunjin?" I heard loud footsteps rushing. "Oh my god, hi." He wrapped his arms around my waist and squeezed tightly. We stayed like this for a minute, unwilling to leave each other. "You okay, flower?" I shook my head with a faint smile. "Come on." He took my hand and led me to his bed, getting under the covers once I took my shoes off. "Is it because of Wooyoung?"

"It's related."

"How so?"

"I watched the videos."

"Oh my god." Felix whispered, wishing I hadn't. I know, I'm the one person who shouldn't of watched that. "Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"Because I wanted to talk in person. I'm just...really disappointed in myself."

"For watching them?"

"No, because I really wanted to get high so I could be completely desensitized."

"You thought you were going to relapse?" I nodded in reply, upset by my weak minded thoughts. "It's okay." He ran his fingers through my slightly fainted red hair and kissed my forehead. It was a reaction I truly wasn't expecting. "In a time like that, it's understandable."

"I smoked though. I just took the cigarettes out of Wooyoung's glove compartment in his car."

"Which is a much better alternative to cocaine. What stopped you?"

"Not having a dealer." I mumbled. If I did, I would've broken my clean streak by now. "Which is really fucked up."

"Don't be too hard on yourself. These past two weeks have been literal hell on earth. I know it's hard to keep it together right now, but all you can do is try your best."

"It's just hard without you there." I admitted, looking away from him. I thought I could be strong on my own. I hated that I really needed Felix physically by my side so I could have some peace of mind.

"Look at me." He softly said, turning my head just a bit. "Thirty two days, that's it. Then I'm all yours."

"I know." I nodded. "I've been counting, but the timing really sucks."

"And the situation is slowly but surely settling down. The videos haven't popped back up anywhere, ESteem gave Wooyoung ₩500 million, the gym didn't fire San, and the world has already moved on because everyone wants to act all high and mighty and act like they care until the next big thing happens - which would be Jungkook and Rosé."

"I know, I know. But he's still not doing well." I sighed. "I'm nervous."

"On a Felix scale, where is he at in terms of not doing well?"

"Ten."

"And a Hyunjin scale?"

"Seven." It would be a ten except he's never jumped off a bridge before.

"So as long as it's not a ten on a Hyunjin scale, don't overwhelm yourself with stress. Yeosang has been giving me updates on everything. He says you're really helping."

"Really?" Truthfully, I've felt like I haven't done enough. I wish I could fix everything at the snap of my fingers. Staying close to Wooyoung at all times can only do so much.

"You calm him down." He shrugged.

"More than San?" That's the piece I wasn't understanding. San has always been able to calm Wooyoung down in every situation. But for some reason, my support is more effective.

"It's because you know what this is like. San has never reached this level of mental instability. It's really just you and Minho, and it's not like he'd go to him for anything." The mention of his brother made me slightly uneasy. Felix has no idea we went to visit him in Busan. I haven't forgotten what Minho asked me to do either, but that was before the situation with ESteem got worse. "I also think it's because he knows you're slightly more stable than San in this situation. You know how patient he's always been for years and years. He finally snapped. Yeosang thinks that San needs all the help he can get right now which is why he's been over so much."

"That would make sense too. He's definitely hurting. It's weird when you're the dependable one for once. I'm so used to being the problem."

"You've come a long way. I'm proud of you, I know you know that."

I nodded and cuddled closer to his chest.

"Give me something critical to smack me back into shape."

"If you relapse, we can't get married." He quickly said.

I gasped dramatically. "That was so harsh, I wasn't expecting that."

"It's a fact though, you know that. You staying away from cocaine means you're able to move on with your life. If you feel like you're going to relapse and on the verge of looking for a dealer, think about where your life is now and how it was back then. Look at everything that's happened to you, to us, because you're sober."

I needed to hear this from him. I've been fighting to keep my head on straight, but it's really hard in a situation like this. In the back of my mind, I keep blaming myself. Wooyoung told me, expecting me to keep it a secret. He went into a ballistic rage just to stop me from telling San. Ever since then, his life has been a nightmare.

"Felix, did I ruin Wooyoung's life? Be honest." I whispered, uncomfortable by the sickening pit returning to my stomach.

"No, baby." He gave me a reassuring squeeze and kissed the top of my head. "You may not look at it this way, he may not either, but you definitely just saved it."

"How?" I think saving is a bit excessive, but I'm willing to hear him out.

"I know everything is really bad now, but a lot of times that needs to happen. What's that saying? After a storm comes a rainbow or some shit?"

"Something like that."

"But you get the point I'm trying to make."

"I do." I nodded.

"Something good will come his way. There's no reason to suffer anymore. Now he can just heal and move on. Same goes for you. Everything will work itself out, just you watch."

I really hope he's right.