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"why did you bring her up?" the doctors voice brought jack out of his thoughts.
"what?" yaz, ryan, and graham had long since gone to sleep. the doctor and jack had opted to stay up later, talking and catching up.
there had been a break in the conversation when the doctor had spoken.
"why did you have to say that? why did you have to tell them about her?" jack sat silently for a minute before it dawned on him.
"rose."
"why?" jack sighed.
"it sounds stupid, but i needed to know that you didn't forget about her. i needed to know that her loss still hurts you too." jack trailed off at the end. he was never known to show lots of emotion. "you look like her now. and i know i'm not the only person who's noticed it, doctor. i know you've seen it too."
the doctor sighed harshly.
"you think i haven't noticed?" she turned her head towards him. "i know, alright? i see it every time i look in the mirror and see my blonde hair. do you really think every single time there's a reflective surface out of the corner of my eye and i catch a glimpse of blonde, i'm not thinking of her?"
"doctor, i know. but you haven't even said her name in centuries, you've said it yourself. why won't you let yourself remember her?" jack was getting frustrated.
"do you want to know why i haven't said her name in centuries?" the doctors voice was low, but deadly. jack didn't speak. "it's because it hurts. because every time i see someone with blonde hair, i say a silent prayer that maybe, just maybe, it's her, and that she found her way back to me.
"because every time i see a flower i go back to the fact that she was named for one. because every single time i see a dalek or a cyberman i am filled with so much inconceivable, genuine, rage that everything she ever taught me about forgiveness and mercy goes straight out the window, and i think of every single way possible to make them pay for what they did, for taking her away from me." jack remained silent. "i don't say her name because it's a reminder of who i am, how destructive i've become, and how she was different. how she was better. she never would've hurt a fly. and everybody who knew her knew that."
jack couldn't speak. his throat was tight as he thought of all the pain he had gone through without rose, and tears prickled his eyes as he thought about how much more painful it had been for the doctor.
"that's why i don't say her name." the doctor spat. "got a problem with that?"
jack shook his head.
"i never had a problem with it doctor." he looked at her and couldn't hold back the tears any longer. "but i think you did. you have all this rage inside you, and it's built up to the point where you can't even acknowledge the fact that she made you into the person you were and continues to make you into all the people you'll ever become."
the doctor just wilted.
"i know." she whispered. "i know, but what else is there to do?"
"just, say her name, doctor. that's all i'm asking. just say that you remember rose. just give me that. please. i need to hear you say it." jack was begging her. he couldn't control himself, he needed to know the doctor still cared.
the doctor sucked in a large breath.
"fine. if it makes you feel any better." the doctor wilted, the tension leaving her shoulders, and she looked defeated. she just looked like she was ready to give up. "i miss her. i miss rose tyler more than you can possibly know, more then you could even imagine in your worst nightmares."
jack nodded, tears flowing freely from both of their eyes now.
"and i love her. i love rose tyler," the doctor sat down on the steps of the tardis, "and i'll never get to tell her."
as jack wiped the tears from his eyes, the doctor put her head in her hands, and cried.
