Goodbye Graceful (Ronnie Radke love story, 3rd book in The Drug In Me series )

3. Real Or Not-Real

**** The image is Lester, Ryker's therapy dog. If any of you guys know Dan and Phil, the British youtubers, I named Lester after Phil because he's sweet and nice and calming, and he just reminds me of Phil a bit. Hope you enjoy the chapter ****

It was the day. The day that I finally got to see Leah, Luna, and Echo. It had been 4 weeks since I had seen Leah and Echo, and, well, I hadn't seen Luna since a few days before I ran away.

I was terrified, elated, and excited beyond belief.

I had begged and begged with Mr. Willows, and he agreed to let my visitors stay, as long as I kept to the schedule. So, they were going to be spending the day with me from when they got here to 9 o'clock tonight.

I had pleaded and promised to speak more about my past to Mr. Willows if he let me have Lester for the entire day from visiting time to bedtime, so that they could meet him.

Lester, he was my baby. He reminded me so much of Charlie, not in his physical looks exactly, because he was a lot lighter in color than Charlie, but in the looks he gave me, and the way he acted, though he was significantly calmer than Charlie, being a therapy dog and all.

He was sweet, and adorable, and he just gave you this look, his eyes telling you that he knew you had it rough, and his tail reminding you that he loved you no matter what. It was intense, but I don't think I would be doing so well here without him.

The withdrawal gets really bad sometimes, but every time I see him it lifts my spirits and dulls the pain, because his soft brown eyes dig into my very soul and ease me I guess. I don't know how to explain it.

I used to cause a lot more trouble here, screaming and acting out, hitting the walls and yelling at people, but once I got paired with Lester, I started calming down more, and the withdrawal wasn't so hard; it was still bad, but not impossible anymore.

I was antsy all day, nervous to see the girls after so much time apart. Sometimes I feel like I've forgotten what they look like, and other times I feel like I've made them up and they're not real. It's rather scary, and all alone at night, well, it sometimes makes sense.

Who says any of it was real? Maybe I made it all up. Maybe I'm still in the Pit, or maybe He doesn't even exist and this is all some trippy high and when I come down I'll be 15 again. I don't know what's real and what's not anymore.

I was questioning everything that I knew about myself, because I didn't have anyone here to tell me that I was telling the truth, that my memory was the truth, that I wasn't tripping out, I wasn't delusional, I was right.

I needed someone to tell me that, but there was no such person here. No one here even knew half of what I had gone through in life.... and if they knew, they wouldn't be able to tell me what was real and what was fake, because they weren't there for me.

I just needed Ronnie, I fucking needed Ronnie, but he wasn't here, and he never would be! He never would be, because I had lied to him and gone behind his back , betrayed him, disappointed him, and lost him forever.

He would never forgive me. I was just like his mother, just like his ex-band mates; maybe I was even worse than them, because I had let him down for so long he had to find out on his own, and then, only then, did I leave him. It was sickening.

It was 1 now, time for the start of visiting. I grabbed Lester's leash and we calmly walked down the halls with the others. Lester was looking at me uncertainly, as he was supposed to be going back to the therapy center, or perhaps going to a different rehab center to meet with another person in need, who knows.

He wasn't used to being with me after therapy time, but he wagged his tail a bit, excited, and he rubbed his head against my leg, looking up at me with a mouthy smile.

I smiled down at him and reached one hand down to rest on his head, petting it as we walked. My heart was hammering hard, a nervous wreck, but with Lester next to me, I found I could face the fear and nerves.

This is what I had been waiting for weeks for, after all, I couldn't back out now.

When I got there, there was a flood of people, so I couldn't spot them. But then, the sea parted and I stood there, staring directly across to 3 girls, who were looking around, searching. Searching for me.

I made my way through the crowd and stopped in front of them.

"Excuse me ladies, are you looking for someone? Perhaps I can help you" I said poshly, and like clockwork, all three heads snapped to look at me.

"RYKER!" Leah yelped and rocketed herself at me. Lester huffed a little breathless bark and stepped in front of me, uncertain. I patted his head and he stepped back, still nervous but reassured. He must have been trying to protect me or something.

She stepped forward, slower this time, and hugged me. I sighed and wrapped my arms around her, pulling her tightly against me, laying my head down to rest on hers, which was buried in my chest.

Then Luna came up to me and shook my shoulders, glaring at me, but there were tears in her eyes and I hugged her before she could manage to get an angry word out. I lay my face on her shoulder and she wrapped her arms around my neck, tucking her head into the crook of my neck.

"I'm sorry Luna, I know. It was a horrible thing for me to do" I whispered to her, tears brimming in my eyes.

"I know you are, you doof. But you're here now and getting better" she said to me, and I could feel her shaking in my arms.

Then came Echo; she hugged me tightly and said "When you come out of here, we're throwing you a party and nothing you say can stop us" she said to me, her voice sounding nearly normal, not the usual quiet tingling.

So much felt like it had changed since I'd been gone.

They loved on Lester and spoke to me, and then they followed me around as I took them to every part of my routine for the afternoon.

I spent the day trying to catch up with everything that they had done while I was gone. They asked me a few questions about me, but they quickly realized that I wasn't interested in speaking about it.

I wanted to know everything that I had missed out on while I was gone. I needed to know, it made me feel like I was still a part of the group, still a big part of their lives.

I just wanted to feel like I was still a part of something, not completely isolated and alone.