Goodbye Graceful (Ronnie Radke love story, 3rd book in The Drug In Me series )

13. Feels Like Accusations

**** hey I just felt like clarifying: Ashley likes Ryker, but it's a ooh-she's-hot-I-want-to-tap-that type, not an I-want-to-date-her-and-take-her-to-fancy-dinners-and-marry-her-one-day type. So...yeah I guess :) hope you enjoy!

Also someone just mentioned this in my first book, a new reader, so I'm going to explain for those who don't know exactly. I had Ryker refer to John as Him initially in thefirst book cause you didn't know who he was, or his name, until later. Even after you learn his name, I still had her refer to him as Him because it was intended to show how she was still scared of him, scared of saying his name. It's similar to the way in Harry Potter everyone calls Voldemort He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named and You-Know-Who, because the name gives power to the person, makes them more real, and Ryker was/is still scared of him, so she's scared to say his name.

So subconsciously she decides to call him Him to distance herself from him as a person, as a living being, and instead makes him more of a being, an entity, not a person with a name. Does that help you understand? Sorry for any confusion! ****

Ashley pulled into the parking lot too soon, and it was back to the reality, back to being human, no longer an untouchable entity speeding past the world like it was nothing.

I hadn't put my arms around him so tightly after what had happened, not wanting to push anything; I had just laid my hands on his sides softly.

So when he parked and stopped, I just stood up and swung off the motorcycle quickly, not wanting to touch him too much.

I wasn't sure exactly where we stood, and I didn't want to give him the wrong idea, or hope where there was none.

I liked him enough, but it wouldn't feel right to have sex with him, with me loving Ronnie.

I felt horrible about it, but I knew I made the right choice. I was saving both of us the trouble of complications and pain.

I thought I saw a flash of a figure disappearing to the side of the building when Ashley and I started walking to the building.

I instinctively drew closer to Ashley, grabbing for his arm, but I stopped myself. I didn't want to do that, it would just add more fuel to the fire of this situation.

We made our way up to the apartment in a slightly awkward, slightly friendly silence.

I felt relieved when we finally got there, and Ashley disappeared back into the crowd.

I didn't want to avoid him, but I didn't know how much time he wanted to spend with me after I didn't want to have sex with him. Not that he was some guy that only cared about sex, of course not, he's a sweet guy, but I just didn't know where we stood since attraction is what brought him to me initially.

I closed the door and locked it and then I leaned against the door, breathing deeply. It was kind of hard to take all of this in, all that had happened. I still couldn't believe some of it. Most of it, really.

He-He....John is in prison, locked away basically for good. I fucked up everything with Ronnie and now he hates me. I went to rehab. Diablo could be after me. I have Leah now. Luna and Echo still like me after all that's happened.

It felt so unreal to me, like it couldn't have happened. But it did.

I was huffing and puffing, leaning against the door, my eyes closed, when I heard someone's footsteps approach me, stopping in front of me.

I opened my eyes to see a somewhat curious, somewhat disappointed looking Max.

"You and Ashley? What about Ronnie....." He said, and I realized what he must think. I disappear with Ashley, come back an hour later seeming winded and exhausted.

I didn't blame him, he may be my friend, or at least I consider him a friend.... He was my friend, maybe, but he was Ronnie's friend first.

I grabbed his shirt immediately, standing up and pulling myself to his face seriously, desperately.

"It's not what you think, I promise! He just took me on a ride-" I said, realizing my mistake at the formulation of that sentence; Max was warping it into a sexual thing.

"On his motorcycle! Actual motorcycle, not his-oh god" I said, smacking my hands over my face, groaning. I couldn't find a way out of this tangle of badly-chosen words.

"We didn't do anything sexual, unless my head on his shoulder is sexual, but it wasn't like that, and I only like Ronnie, even though he hates me, and, and-" I stammered, stumbling over my words like they were hurdles that were too high for me to clear.

The room was getting hot from all the people, and I started gasping, feeling like there wasn't enough air, and it was too hot, too crowded, too full, too, too, too everything.

Luna appeared by Max's side and gently shoved him, taking me in her arms.

I was taller than her, but she still managed to fuss over me and make me feel like a little toddler hanging onto her. Either that or she was the overgrown toddler making me smile like a fool. She could be so mature sometimes, and other times like an adorable grown 5 year old, it was crazy. And amazing. I wouldn't have her any other way.

"Max, I'm sure she didn't do anything, and even if she had its none of our business" she said, looping her arm in mine and pulling me away.

I was still flustered, trying to shove words out of my mouth. She shushed me gently and then Echo was at my other side, looping her arm in my other one.

"Okay clear out, it's been a long day, time to go home" Luna yelled, and people started clearing out.

"Just breathe, in, out, in, out" Echo said softly to me, calming me down while Luna ushered everyone out.

They led me to the big bedroom with a queen-sized bed, where Leah was already sitting, like she was waiting for us.

"Here, sit down, just breathe, it's okay, no ones accusing you of anything, no ones saying you did anything, it's okay" Luna said, and Leah grabbed my hand, rubbing her thumb over it soothingly, Luna playing with my fingers while Echo rubbed my back.

I managed to calm down and I smiled gratefully at everyone.

"My girls, I love you" I said, pulling them in for a hug.

Max had thought that I had screwed around with Ashley. It had felt like an accusation, but it had also felt like the room was on fire and it wasn't so it must just be my mind playing tricks on me. Nothing new there....

Luna and Echo said I should sleep, and then they left, telling me that they would be over in a few days to celebrate, just the four of us.

I crawled into bed and for the first time in a long time, I had Leah with me, cuddling me, hugging my sides and curling close to me.

The bed was soft, long, and it felt like clouds and feathers, nothing like the stiff twin bed that I had slept in at the rehab center.

They may say comfortable-ness of their patients was their top priority, but they spent so much money of the niceties and fancies, couches and pools and gardens, that they had neglected the beds.

This bed felt like the best thing ever, blissful. It was so soft, so warm, so nice, perfect.

It felt nice to have Leah back, to not be alone anymore. I kissed her head softly and closed my eyes, sinking into the comfortable mattress and drifting off to sleep.