Goodbye Graceful (Ronnie Radke love story, 3rd book in The Drug In Me series )

43. Reccurances

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The next time I woke up, it was early morning and I was still cuddled under Ashley's arms, lying on top of him on the couch.

I felt sore to bloody hell, and beyond groggy. And yet I still felt strangely comfortable. But also gross. I probably smelled like bad breath and sweat.

I slid off of Ashley, lying on the floor groaning for a while, until Lester came bounding over and decided out of all the room on the carpet, I was the best place to lay down on.

I rolled my eyes but laughed nonetheless.

"Alright, alright, I love you too" I said, pushing away his face and getting up.

"Let's go then" I said, patting my thigh and walking to the door. I put the leash on him quickly, grabbing the key and then I carefully closed the door behind us.

I walked to the service elevator, where pets were allowed, and pressed the ground floor.

I hate elevators-tight spaces scare me to shit. I could get stuck and never get out. It felt like the walls were closing in...

But I was scared of stairwells too, because there's no chance at avoiding people in them. In the elevator you can close the door on them, but if someone's in the stairwell with you, your only chance is to run and if they catch you....

Basically I'm scared of everything, fucking pussy. It's okay....nothing will happen...this is just your overactive, horrifying imagination...no one's here with you...nothings going to happen.

The lights flickered above me and I screamed, pressing into the wall while Lester stared at me, probably judging me hard.

I'm just overreacting...stupid, stupid, stupid!

I've never been so relieved to get out of an elevator in my life.

I tried to shake off the nagging feeling of terror, walking Lester down the block to a grassy park.

I stood, waiting for him to do his business, leaning against a tree and trying to ignore my pounding heartbeat. I couldn't shake the feeling that I was being watched....

I looked around and saw no one, so I just shook my head and told myself I was being stupid. But I couldn't shake the feeling.

Then, I felt it distinctly. I knew exactly what the feeling meant, because I'd spent months feeling this exact feeling.

I peered over my shoulder and this time, I noticed a dark figure, looking more like a shadow than anything else. This was different than the figure I was used to seeing, this one felt, wrong. Sinister. Dangerous.

They seemed to take a step forward, and I clenched my fist, accidentally getting Lester's attention. He came over to me, pressing into my leg like he was comforting me.

I reached a hand down to pet him, and looked to see the figure pause before walking away.

Lester probably scared him. Good, because I was 2 seconds away from having a mental breakdown.

I scratched Lester's head before speed-walking towards the apartment, my heart hammering in my chest like a crazy drum solo.

I was beyond terrified, flashbacks coated the backs of my eyes, my legs burned from memories of running as fast as I could to escape, my arms shaking so badly I was jerking Lester - to his credit, he was nice about it.

I swear I could hear the echoing footsteps of a pursuer, but every time I turned around there was no one there. It could be my imagination, but I knew by now not to take chances.

I broke out in a run, unable to handle it. I ran like the reaper was chasing me, like hell hounds were nipping my ankles.

I ran until I was exhausted, until my legs felt like they would give out, like my lungs would explode, like my heart would convulse and die.

Time felt like it slowed down, because I swear the apartment wasn't this far away...

When I made it to the apartment building, I scrambled inside and rushed to the elevator, my heart beating faster and faster with each growing second.

When I made it to the door, it took me 3 tries before I managed to get the key in the hole correctly and unlock it, and when it did I slammed the door so loud I was scared I'd woken the neighbors.

I let Lester off the leash and slid to the floor, hyperventilating and curling up, putting my head between my knees in an attempt to hold back the panic attack that was clawing at my throat.

It was no point in resisting really, because soon enough the panic attack took hold.

It felt like I was dying, and I couldn't find a reason to say that I wasn't.

We're all gonna die, some earlier than others.

I'm almost 22, and I've already seen more than I'd wish upon anyone else in the world. How had I even made it this far?

Was any of it real? Or did I just make it all up?

Maybe I'm sleeping. Maybe I'm dead. Maybe I don't even exist. There's no way to know, no way to prove anything, so what was the point?

What's the point of anything? We all end up dead, rotting corpses anyways, so what's the point in doing anything?

Regardless of how you live you're gonna die anyways...there's no point to anything.

I sighed and pulled at my hair, shaking my head around and repressing screams of hopelessness.

Existential crisis after existential crisis, why should I even get out of bed? There's no point!

After a while I stood up, patting Lester, who had come to lay next to me.

I tossed him a treat and walked stiffly down the halls to the bedroom. Walking in, I saw Leah and Ryan cuddled up in bed, asleep.

I held back an aww, too drained to even feel the surge of irrepressible squeals. I grabbed some clean clothes and walked to the bathroom.

I made sure to lock the door, and then I stripped down. I caught my reflection in my peripheral, and I paused. I stopped, leaning on the sink and staring back at myself.

I tried to suppress the rising insecurities and self-loathing. Instead, I tried to find something I liked about myself. I tried to compliment myself rather than constantly degrade myself.

My eyes. They're kind of pretty I guess....

My lips are decent, full and smooth.

My nose is pretty straight, curving smoothly down the bridge.

My butt is nice, kind of big.

Ronnie always liked holding it...

Stop! He's not yours to think about anymore!

If no one can love me, I can try to love myself. That's all that matters, right?

Ronnie's love matters...

But it doesn't exist anymore.

I don't know..

Leah loves me...and Luna...and Esha can become a close friend if I give it time. And Andy and Max definitely don't hate me at least... and Ashley calls me his best friend. And Jacky and Ryan like me, and Derek calls me his little bundle of rage.

I'm not alone. Repeat after me, I'm not alone.

"I'm not alone," I whispered to myself.

Smiling a little, I stepped in the shower and stood under the warm water, sighing softly.

Then, something hit me. And my smile fell just as soon as it rose.

I know who the figure was.

Diablo.