Goodbye Graceful (Ronnie Radke love story, 3rd book in The Drug In Me series )

34. Heartsick

**** I realized that I didn't name the last chapter, oops. But I hope you enjoyed anyhow :) love to you all.

Heres a Ronnie picture cause I'm typing on my iPod because my school can look at everything I do on my chromebook at home because it's school issued. Oops XP

The school chrome books are bullshit, like the sites that should be blocked aren't, but like travel sites like goticket.com is blocked. Fucking weird. Anywhore, hope you enjoy my darlings :) ****

I woke up the next morning with my phone wedged under my boobs, my face smushed into a pillow, and Leah's legs flopped over my butt.

Glamorous.

I rolled out of bed and went to the bathroom, taking a shower. Then I sort of just stood under the hot water with my eyes closed, sighing.

Showers were so blissful. You could think about everything in peace, or you could just let everything slip away and be blank for a while.

That or I could torture myself imagining Ronnie and I in all sorts of situations. Which is what I usually did. I couldn't help myself, especially after I kissed him, it was always on my mind; I was always thinking about him.

I imagined taking a shower with him, I imagined kissing him, I imagined steamy shower sex, and I imagined innocent moments between us that made my insides turn to mush.
I wanted to do anything and everything I could with him.

I stalked his social medias, watched all his interviews, did anything I could to feel like I was closer to him. Should someone stage an intervention? Probably, I was obsessed.

But I didn't care, because it was the closest I could get to being around him again.

Fans talked about me sometimes; some were positive 'get back together' type of posts, others were degrading me and calling me names.

Ronnie ignored both of those types of posts, but I scrolled down enough to see him call people out and tell them that name-calling wasn't necessary, before saying that he wouldn't reply to any more comments about me.

I don't know what to make of that, and now he doesn't mention me at all, so I have absolutely no idea what he feels towards me.

I don't know if I should be relieved or disappointed that he didn't talk about me.

Relieved sure, that at least he wasn't spewing hate about me and complaining and ranting about how much he hated me. But disappointed because that could very well mean that he was indifferent to me.

Every second missing him was like knives in my heart slowly impaling me more and more until one day I will simply cease to exist.

I felt like I was drifting away slowly but surely, pieces of me disappearing into the abyss never to be recovered.

I'm an utter mess, inside out.

I just want to feel his love, feel his lips, feel his arms, feel his-

I could go on forever. I just want his everything to be tangled in my everything. I could lose myself in him and never find my way out. It would be the best way to get lost....

I sighed and turned off the water, leaving the depths of my mind and coming back to reality, where I saw Leah was standing in the mirror doing her makeup.

"Shit" I yelped, jumping in surprise and slipping in the shower, nearly breaking my ass open.

She laughed at me and walked out, leaving me to rub my now sore bum and dry off in peace.

I got dressed quickly, but not before looking in the mirror to see the already growing purple and blue bruise. I grumbled and complained to myself, but I didn't really care about all of that though.

It was just something to distract me from the jolting, crippling, paralyzing, electric pain constantly shooting through my heart. I felt like my heart was a ticking time bomb that would go off at any time.

It was like a bomb, and Ronnie was the deactivation code. Ronnie was the only one who could cure it. But I could never get him. So it made the pain all the worse, because I knew it would never end.

I took Lester for a walk, much to his initial, sleepy demise. He's nearly as lazy as I am, and that's damn impressive. I made it quick, because I knew we would both be happy to slouch on the couch for a few hours bumming around before getting around to doing things.

I dreaded when I had a job and had to be gone from pajamas and couches and beds, having to be in public for hours. But I had to get one, because the bills don't pay themselves, and I can't just make Leah do everything.

I was searching, but no one was really hiring or interested in a person like me.

Man, having a record fucking sucks. I was famous, but not in a good way. No one wanted to hire me either because of how I looked, or because of the record.

For now Leah and I were using our money from stripping, so we had enough to pay the bills for a few more months, but after that, it would run out.

We got to the apartment and I let Lester off the leash so he could go drink water and eat his breakfast.

I went to the kitchen and made a quick cup of tea, sitting on the couch and sipping it slowly while watching Full House re-runs.

It was like I got some enjoyment out of torturing myself, because I constantly did things that reminded me of Ronnie, like watching full house and remembering our moments and anything and everything that could possibly remind me of any aspect of Ronnie.

My dreams were the worst, because for a while I'm deluded that it's real, then I have to wake up and realize that it was just a dream or a memory.

There was a certain comfort in the pain that it caused; it reminded me that I still felt the same as I did before.

This love wasn't going to disappear on me, it was the only part of me that I would never lose. That I knew.