Goodbye Graceful (Ronnie Radke love story, 3rd book in The Drug In Me series )

87. Determination Recovery

**** 13 left wow! It doesn't feel real to me yet, how about you guys?

I have some bad/good news. I have, after months of debating, made the decision to have shorter chapters (800+ words, rather than 1000+). I finally decided this because at this point in time, 1000+ words per chapter makes me feel too pressured to write and that's not good for either of us cause I feel bad and strained and don't manage to update regularly. So I apologize but I've been considering this for a few months now. I am going to finally give myself a break and cut myself some slack ****

I hadn't even made it a step through the door before I was grabbed and dragged to the couch, where the girls were sitting expectantly with beady eyes and pinched lips.

I let them push me onto the couch, and I sat through the shrieks and the teasing.

"Well someone had a very happy birthday."

I shrugged, sitting back and smirking to myself.

Hell yeah I'd had a happy birthday. They couldn't have expected anything less from me now, really.

"Well, I doubt you guys want to hear about it, really."

Leah looked down with a suspicious smirk before Esha smacked her arm in disgust.

"No! Andy's talked about Ronnie, no way I wanna know the shit you guys were doing! Freaking maso-"

I slammed my hand over Esha's mouth, and Luna pretended to choke while Leah squealed, covering her ears and clenching her eyes shut.

"Like I said, you don't want to know."

I waited for them to finish their over dramatic responses. I try not to laugh, wanting to pretend to be offended.

Leah, the youngest among us, came over to me with puppy dog eyes. She sat down in front of me, laying her hands on my knees and acted cute, trying to get my forgiveness.

Being the oldest in the group does have its perks.

"Ah, remember your place, all of you! You should respect your elders and watch how you talk to me."

Getting up with a wide smile, a feeling of importance rose in my chest. I made my way to the kitchen with a slow, confident pace.

The lack of noise when I reached for the fridge made me roll my eyes. These girls worry about me too much, were they actually holding their breath?

Holding out the soda, I give the girls a flustered look, and they shrugged at me.

I guess I couldn't blame them for worrying. I had given them a shit load of stuff to worry about through the time that they have known me.

I could see the relief on their faces, and I felt guilty. All those months I put them through the shitty attitude that came with addiction, and then with the alcohol and getting drunk every night, it was a lot for them to handle. Too much. It wasn't fair of me to do that to them. I was the oldest, I was supposed to take care of them, not put them through that hellish crap.

Especially Leah. Since she lives with me, I'm ashamed to think of the amount of times she had to hold my hair up for me when I threw up, how many times she had to help me to bed when I was too drunk to walk, how many times she had to make sure I didn't pass out in the bath.

I should've been the one looking after her, but instead I put such a burden, such a responsibility on her young shoulders. I honestly hated myself for it. I really did. It was completely selfish of me and generally just a dick move. I don't know how she even handled me without tearing my hair out, or hers for that matter.

I know they don't blame me, I don't even think they're mad at me, and that makes me feel even worse because god damn, these girls are too fucking good for me. Even Esha, who's only known me when I've been cleaning up my act, has been so gracious towards me. It's actually unbelievable.

I really, really wanted to smack that version of me. At the time, all I saw was my own pain; I didn't realize that I was hurting the people I loved most by doing that to myself.

I never wanted to be like that again. No getting smashed beyond belief, no more drugs, no more hurting my friends.

We were like a family, and it was about damn time that I acted that way.

I walked over to them huddled on the couch.

Sitting between Leah and Esha, I put my arms around them, pulling them in to a very awkward hug of arms in armpits and hair sticking to each others faces.

Leah laid across our laps and I laughed so hard I thought I would knock her off just from the force of the rise and fall of my stomach.

I was happy. I was fucking happy, finally.

I had my twin brother back. August was in my life, my friends were all doing well, I was doing well, and things with Ronnie were going spectacularly.

Funny to think even a few month ago, I was miserable enough to drink myself stupid every now, and now here I am feeling so full of happiness that I might burst. My face hurt from smiling so much, and I was completely okay with that.

We were okay.