Goodbye Graceful (Ronnie Radke love story, 3rd book in The Drug In Me series )

28. Loving Hatred

**** IM BACKKKKK!

Haha xD but in all seriousness, hey lovelies! I had fun but I'm glad to be able to update ^,^ so hope you enjoy!

The whole ' - ' business is Ronnie stopping himself from thinking what he was thinking, similar to Ryker's censoring her thoughts with 'No. Stop. Where are you? Who are you? You're not Ronnie's girl anymore'

As requested, here is a Ronnie point of view update. Been a while huh?

Don't be too mad at me, I know it's hard but it won't last forever, I promise.

You get to see a bit of his struggle with himself, specifically about Ryker and all that's happened.

So I hope you all enjoy ^,^ ****

*Ronnie*

I stood frozen for a bit, staring at her as she hazardously ran as fast as her feet could take her.

It wasn't graceful, or beautiful; she was a stumbling mess of tangled legs and careless steps. But I still couldn't look away.

She was obviously desperate to get away. She always was so easily embarrassed, and she always tried to hide or run away at the slightest peak in her nerves-....

Or maybe she just hated me right now.

Either way.....

But no, she said she loved me-

So, why should that mean anything to you? She's been lying to you from the start! She probably doesn't give a shit about you!

If she loved you, she would've gone to rehab for you.

But she did-

No. If she loved you she would've gone to rehab the night you found out. If she loved you she wouldn't have left you without a goodbye and never looked back. If she loved you she never would've done drugs in the first place.

But she did. She did all of that.

So she can't love you....

Right...?

She was still significantly smaller than she had been when I first met her. She had lost weight, and most of her muscle.

But she looked better than when I first saw her after she had left, when Andy and Ashley had brought her to the bus and she had burst in declaring herself guilty with absolutely no shame and-

I couldn't help but wish she hadn't run away; a part of me wanted to forgive her.

But how could I?

I'm so god damn sick of my heart getting messed with. I couldn't trust anyone, especially not her. She was worse than the others.

She had lied to me, betrayed me, gone behind my back, and then abandoned me.

That's a lot to 'simply overlook'. I couldn't just move past it just because she batted those eyelashes and stared me down with those beautiful green eyes-

I couldn't just give in to her. She had hurt me, really fucking hurt me. And she didn't seem to understand just how much she had hurt me.

It wasn't just, the drug use, it was the lying and the sneaking around too. All of it. It stung, so much more than I could've imagined. All of it added up to this impossible pile of bad feelings and grudges.

I couldn't just move past it. And it seemed so much like she was using again: the scratching, the constant runny nose......it couldn't just be a coincidence...

Could it?

I wanted it to be....

But no, I think I want it to be true. Because if she is using again, it makes avoiding her for good so much easier, because I will know she has no hope for me.

But if she was telling the truth-if she even knows what that is...- then maybe I could-

No. Forget it. I couldn't forgive her, no matter how much I missed her voice, her skin, her-

No. It's over. That's all in the past. She had her chance and like a fucking porn star she blew it.

And she had worked as a stripper, in Vegas, Nevada; Nevada, where I grew up.

She chose stripping over me.

I didn't care so much about the baring skin, that was whatever, but it's like she didn't care at all about me.

I wanted to be the only one to see her completely bare and unable to hide, I wanted to be the only one-

And why did she go to Nevada? That was my childhood, why would she go there?

Maybe she went there because of that-

No, impossible. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe that she loved me. Because if she did, then why would she have done all that shit?

Yeah yeah people make mistakes, but that's a shit lot of mistakes she made, over and over and over.

Forget it! Just move on, you're done with her! Done. For good!

There's no hope......

Right?

I sighed and finally managed to move, turning away and gripping Charlie's leash tightly, forcefully tugging him until I gave up and dragged him home. The whole way he was whining and pulling towards where Ryker had disappeared to.

I know he missed her, but I couldn't bear to be around her, and I wasn't willing to just let her be with Charlie by herself, she might take him-

Okay you're being completely stupid, she wouldn't do that and you know it. You're just mad at her because she made some bad decisions and now you want to convince yourself that she is this horrible person when really she's perfe-

Don't say it. Don't say perfect. She's far from perfect.

She's perfect to you-

No. She did wrong things, things that I can't forgive. She's not perfect. No fucking way.

I finally made it to my house, but I couldn't bring myself to go inside yet. Charlie started panting though, no doubt because of his endless tugging and choking himself with the pulling-I had cut his walk short because of her, Ryker.

I ran a hesitant hand through my hair and then I opened the door and walked inside, letting Charlie go.

I sat on the stairs for a while, my eyes closed.

I almost couldn't stand this house.

Everything reminded me of Ryker.

I couldn't use the pool because memories the late night swims we had taken controlled my mind whenever I even looked at the pool.

I couldn't sleep in my bed because there was a ghostly feel of Rykers arms around me, her body cuddled into mine.

I couldn't look at anything the same again. Everything, everything changed since she left. And I honestly don't know if it will ever be the same.

I had worked so hard to get to where I was, and now I had this nice house and I couldn't even look at it because everything fucking reminded me of
Ryker. I couldn't handle it.

At what point did our dream turn into a nightmare?

When did everything start to go wrong?

Or was it wrong from the start, and it just took me this long to realize it?

I don't think I would ever know.