Goodbye Graceful (Ronnie Radke love story, 3rd book in The Drug In Me series )

63. Pharmacy

**** ahhhh hope you enjoy and don't kill me ****

*Ryker*

I was sitting on the couch, watching Full House re-runs with a bag of doritos in my lap and Lester begging in front of me, his head resting on my knees. Everything was good.

Sure I missed Ashley, but I was somewhat happy, I was eating doritos, Leah was cuddled next to me, I wasn't on my period, all was good-

Wait, I wasn't on my period! When was the last time I had my period?!! Fuck, oh my god, please don't be right....please be wrong....

I stood up so quickly that the chips went flying to the floor where Lester abruptly scarfed them up before Leah or I could do anything.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck" I mumbled to myself, feeling a panic attack coming on. Or maybe that was just-

I ran to the bathroom, throwing up everything I had managed to eat before slumping in exhaustion. I don't know how I can be so tired, I mean, I sleep all the time lately....

I'm sure it's just stress, it can't be anything else, I mean-

Fuck, I can't believe this.

"Okay, screw this. I haven't said anything because I didn't want to freak you out, but we have to find out" Leah said, and then I heard the door close, indicating that she had left.

Fuck, I hadn't had my period all month, why was it late? Just stress, please be just stress... I can't be...it can't be-

I don't want to be pregnant! Fuck, I can't. I just can't be.

I can't be a mom, I don't even know how to take care of myself, I couldn't possibly care for a baby. I'm not ready, I'm not stable enough, not mature enough. I'm not ready!

Fuck, I hadn't even thought about condoms, or all that. No, because I was Ryker, I couldn't possibly get pregnant, you stupid ass, look at what you've done!

And oh god, what would I tell people? What would they think? And, oh god... what would Ronnie think?

He- oh god, he probably didn't want kids. He'll hate me, oh god.

And what if people say I did this on purpose to try and get him to stay with me, oh god, oh god, and what if he believes them?

Oh god, and Ashley would definitely hate me, he'd never look at me again.

I would lose everything, oh god, and this baby, this baby would have the worst life with me, but if I put them up for adoption, oh god they'd feel unwanted. And abortion? Oh no, I couldn't do that, it would kill me. But, oh god-

Oh my fucking hell, what have I done? What have I done?

I moved to a sitting position, rocking myself back and forth. And that is how Leah found me.

"Okay listen, we're gonna work through this babe" Leah said to me, reaching a hand out and pulling me to my feet.

I took a shaky breath and nodded, clenching my shirt in my fists to stop from trembling. Or punching something. Namely myself. God I was stupid.

Leah handed me something, and I glared down at it like I could blame it rather than myself.

Leah left the bathroom, closing the door gently.

I took another breath, holding in panicked sobs, and opened the pregnancy test, shaking it before sitting on the toilet awkwardly.

I swear if I pee on myself because of this stupid stick...-

I set the stick down, cursing under my breath and washing my hands. I made the mistake of looking in the mirror, and I grimaced at the reflection. My reflection.

I looked like hell.

Taking a deep breath, I scooped water up in my hands and splashed it on my face, wincing at the sudden coldness.

Pulling away, I made a face in the mirror, groaning. I don't know why I thought that washing my face would make it better.

Now my eyeshadow was running down my face and my cheeks had red splotches from the sudden change in temperature from feverish to freezing. Totally attractive.

I leaned against the sink, trying to breathe regularly to keep from hyperventilating in a panic again.

Fuck, what was I gonna do? Why did it bloody take so long? Stupid stick, I peed on it, the least it could do is tell me what the fuck is wrong with me!

I can't be pregnant, I can't - I can't handle that. I was the epitome of family problems, I couldn't just bring a baby into all of that! And how would Ronnie feel?

Would I tell him? What would I tell him, if I said anything? Could I keep it a secret? Should I?

What if he said it wasn't his? What if he didn't believe me? What if he thought I was making it all up in an attempt to trap him with me forever?

Oh god, this would cause so much drama. What if he hated me afterwards? Could he?

And fuck, the press would eat this up, they'd have a fucking field day with this. Jesus, what sort of bullshit would they spin up with this?

Would they say Ronnie raped me? Far from it. That I made it up so that Ronnie would feel pressured to stay with me? Already done before.

Maybe they'd say I sabotaged Ronnie, cut holes in all the condoms so that I'd get pregnant. That'd certainly be drama worthy of news swine.

Or hell, maybe they would say it wasn't even Ronnie's. Maybe it was Ashley's. Or maybe I betrayed Leah and slept with Ryan behind her back, and it was his. Now that was tabloid material.

Hell, maybe they wouldn't know what to say. Maybe I was such a slut, such a skanky whore that slept with so many people that I didn't even know who the father was. That's likely.

Oh jeez, what would everyone think of me? Oh god, what if Esha's boss wanted her to cover the story? Bloody hell, I didn't want to put her job on the line just because of my stupidity!

I heard the door open, and then Leah was wrapping her arms around me.

"I didn't sleep with Ryan I swear!" I blubbered, completely out of my head right now.

She looked at me like I was crazy.

"Ryker, I know. Don't be silly" she said to me, patting my head softly.

"Sorry" I mumbled, hiding my face in my hands.

God I was losing it and I didn't even know if I was pregnant yet. I definitely couldn't handle a kid.

I was scared beyond belief....

"Ry, the sticks been ready for at least 5 minutes...." Leah said to me.

Jesus, what was time? I couldn't possibly do anything good with a child. I'd ruin them, their life would be hell, they'd hate me.....

"Oh my god" Leah said.

I jumped up at that, terror coursing through my eyes as Leah held the stick up in front of me.

It was -

**** Ahhh I'm sorry! Thank Wayskarthkat for this chapter ending ;) ****