Goodbye Graceful (Ronnie Radke love story, 3rd book in The Drug In Me series )

69. Afraid

**** heyo merry whatever winter or whatever, a holiday you celebrate and such ****

*Ryker*

I woke up to a pounding headache, an uncomfortable neck and a mess spread out around me.

Shoving Ashley awake, I sat up and put one hand on my head, groaning and scrunching my face up in a wince.

I couldn't tell the difference between the pounding in my head and possible pounding on doors outside, so I ignored it and stumbled into the kitchen slowly, where I saw a smirking Leah with two glasses of water and 2 napkins with advil on them.

I groaned at her obvious smugness, swallowing the pill and quickly chugging the water, sighing and leaning my head on the counter.

I could hear Ashley do the same beside me.

"Ronnie's been outside for the past hour and a half. Ashley you have some horrible sloppy marker to wash off. Ryker, you should probably answer the door, he's not gonna leave anytime soon" Leah said, biting back her obvious grin.

I scowled at the thought, grumbling "I can hope can't I?"

I quickly picked up all the empty bottles and recycled them, sighing when I made sure I wouldn't trip over anything but my own feet.

Instead of going to the door, I went back to find my phone, picking it up off the floor. I don't even want to know why it was under the coffee table.

Picking it up, I unlock it and look to see missed calls from Ronnie, Max and Jacky. But what caught my attention was the call that I sent out to Ronnie. At 1:30 am.

Fuck, tell me I didn't.... please tell me I didn't call Ronnie when I was drunk.... please tell me I didn't leave him a drunken message.... please....

Judging by the incessant knocking, I'd guess that I did. Shite, you're a fucking fool Ryker!

Ashley and Leah came in the room then, Leah sending me a smirk, Ashley looking reproachful as they walked past the kitchen counter and before I could stop them, they were opening the door and brushing past Ronnie, his arm raised to let another knock rip on my door.

I wouldn't be surprised if he burned a dent in the door, bloody hell.

I leaned against the door frame, about to talk, but I was interrupted by my neighbor, Mrs. Botts, opening her door across from ours.

She was a plump, bitter women who smelled like cat piss and mothballs. She had never liked me much, but the feeling was beyond mutual.

"For heavens sake, let him in before I call the police! He's interrupting a very important stitch work meeting, and we have a competition coming up this weekend! Keep your men well behaved or move to the projects" She said in her shrill, weasely voice. I almost didn't hear her mutter "it's where you belong anyways" under her breath.

"Of course Mrs. Botts, good luck with that" I said in a sickly sweet voice, biting my lip hard to hold back the grimace.

I sighed, staring at Ronnie before opening the door ever so slightly and letting him duck under my arm.

I closed the door and leaned my head against it for a while, until I felt a soft hand on my shoulder.

I shrugged it off, took a deep breath and turned around.

"Ronnie, what do you want? Look, whatever I said last night, just forget it, I was drunk and confused okay, just, please leave-" I said, but I saw Ronnie's face, the face of someone too stubborn and determined to leave without getting what they want.

I sighed, cradling my head in my hands and walking to the couch. Ronnie took it as an invitation and he sat next to me, staring at me.

"Ryker. You said something last night that I can't forget okay. First off, I want to apologize for yesterday, it was uncalled for and completely horrible for me to say, I know. I was wrong, and I had no right to say that" he said, and I snorted.

"Hell yeah it was, you made me cry you dick" I said, too hungover to care that I admitted that I cried because of him.

"I know, and I'm so sorry-" he said, but I shook my head and pulled away from his outstretched hand.

"Whatever. It's done. And- now this doesn't mean I'm not mad, but you were right. I didn't know.... John," testing out His name on my tongue felt like swallowing molasses and moldy cheese with mayonnaise. I didn't like it, it made me scared and I hated that He still had power over me even now but I can't help it. He had quite an impact.

"But you still shouldn't have said it" I said, crossing my arms and trying to narrow my eyes at him without giving away that my migraine was killing me and I felt like throwing up.

"I know and-" he said, and I interrupted him.

"Yeah yeah, you're sorry. Doesn't justify it. Sorry doesn't mean shit, right?"

I felt a spark of anger remembering when Ronnie had said that to me, and left me in that cabin after I had poured my feelings out to him.

I felt my body fill with bitterness, and I was so tired of fighting but it seemed like it was all I could do, all I was good at.

"Ryker-" he started, but I silenced him with a finger.

He must not have liked that, because then he grabbed my finger and glared at me.

"Look, I get that I was wrong, but you don't get to ice me out, not again. You don't get to play that, that hurt card, because you hurt me too okay" he said, and I shrunk back, growing angrier.

I know he was right but that only made it worse.

"Oh, I'm sorry, did you drink yourself stupid last night because of memories and pain?" I asked dryly, my lips pulled into a thin line.

"No, but did you wake up to a fucking phone call about someone thinking they were pregnant with your child?!!" He asked, raising his voice dangerously.

I gasped and shot myself closer to him, holding my hand over his mouth and wincing as I prayed to god the neighbors hadn't heard that. Who knew who they would tell, I could just imagine Him coming after us-

No! No! He is gone! He can't hurt you anymore, stop letting Him control your god damn life! You're your own fucking person for Hell's sake!

And besides.... Ronnie didn't even question that it was his.... I had to resist smiling at the thought. I'm mad at him, completely, utterly in love- mad at him.

"I'm not pregnant okay. I thought I was but I'm not" I whispered, pulling my hand away from Ronnie's mouth slowly.

"You're sure?" He asked, and I nodded.

"Yeah, I'm sure. Had to fucking piss on my own hand to do it, but I'm sure" I said, wrinkling my nose up at the not so fond memory.

I sighed and when I met Ronnie's eyes, I saw a sultry look, and I held my breath as his hand slowly brushed across my cheek.

I almost let myself get lulled in. Almost.

"No! You're not off the hook, you don't get to do that to me, not now!" I said, quickly pulling away from him and walking away.

He stood up and took a step towards me.

He grabbed my wrist and turned me around, and before I could complain, he was grabbing my face and leaning down.

His lips met mine and after the surprise wore off I moved my hands to his sides, clenching his shirt in my hands.

He pulled away for a moment, breathing out "I'm sorry, okay"

And I couldn't hold the anger anymore, I couldn't hide behind the rage rather than admitting that I was just scared, scared to lose Ronnie again.

I pressed closer to Ronnie, gripping his head in my hands and pulling him down so I could crash my lips on his, jumping up and wrapping my legs around his waist.

And then he was carrying me to the bedroom, and I couldn't help but smile, because I knew that Ronnie may not be mine forever, but right now I could be sure that I was the only thing, only one on his mind, just as he was the only one for me.