Goodbye Graceful (Ronnie Radke love story, 3rd book in The Drug In Me series )

6. Strains

**** I'm sorry guys ahh I know I'm horrid and bad and crummy. ****

*Ronnie*

I was finally getting some rest with the noise blocked out, nearly asleep when Ryan came in without knocking. Just opened the door and walked right in, nice.

"Uh, Leah wants to talk to you. Something about what Ryker said" he said to me, holding out his phone, where a picture of the small girl doing a peace sign and winking with her tongue out, was on the screen. He had a picture for when she called, really?

You had that for Ryker....

Whatever. It's not happening anymore.

"Well I don't care to hear about it" I said, pulling the pillow back over my head.

"Well, she insists. Come on man, you can't just pretend Ryker never existed. You've got to face it man, she did drugs, yeah, but she's in rehab now, getting better, doesn't that make you happy?" he said, and I groaned.

It would have, maybe, if she had gone to rehab when I first found out, if she hadn't left me. But now, no fucking way. I was glad she was getting help, but she was like any other druggie to me, she wasn't special. Actually, she was worse than just any person.

Ha, I 'cant' pretend she never existed. We'll see.

"Watch me" I said, scowling.

"Ronnie, you're being ridiculous. She went through a lot when she was gone, Leah told me-" he started saying, and I threw the pillow at him. "I. DON'T. CARE. So stop talking about it!" I said, frustrated.

How was I supposed to recover from this when everyone was fucking bringing it up every five seconds? Did they have no idea how messed up I got over this?

"I'm sorry okay? Come on, please, do this and I won't mention Ryker to you again.....for the rest of this tour" he said, and I sighed, knowing he wouldn't leave until I agreed.

I sat up and held my hand out, rolling my eyes.

I felt the phone in my hand and I kept my eyes on the ceiling, laying back down and not looking at the phone to see the little lady that Ryan seemed hung up on.

"Hi." I said in a bored tone, closing my eyes and kicking my leg that was hanging off the bed back and forth.

"You fucker! She called you! She fucking called you and you didn't pick up" I heard a shrill voice scream in my ear, and I winced, sighing.

"Yeah, I didn't. Your point being?" I said, mentally rolling my eyes.

What did she think she was going to get from this? What, I was going to magically change my mind and forgive Ryker, go running back and leaving my band, my tour, to go see her? This isn't a love movie, and that wasn't going to happen. She left me, it was her choice, now she has to live with it just like I did.

"She loves you you dipshit! She loves you and you're over there being a fucking turd. Do you even want to see her?" she yelled at me, and I sighed.

"No" I said simply and hung up, holding the phone up for Ryan to grab, my eyes still closed.

Ryan grabbed the phone quickly and dialed a number, probably calling Leah back.

As soon as he was out of the room I sighed and covered my face with my hands.

Did I want to see her?

No. But, well, yes as well? I wanted to see her, but I knew it would only make it all hurt more, and I couldn't handle that. I couldn't handle her leaving me twice.

I know it was mean to not pick up the phone and talk to Ryker. It was rude, selfish, and just generally a dick move. I knew that.

I don't know why she called me instead of one of her friends, but I didn't pick up because I knew it was her.

I didn't accept the call, I hung up and let her stand there holding the phone while she had to listen to some lady in an office say that the call didn't go through. Maybe she was surprised, maybe not. It shouldn't matter to me, it didn't.

I did feel bad for doing it, but I couldn't handle talking to her then. At that point I was still in shock at her randomly coming back.

I didn't know what to do, I didn't know if it was a dream, and I had all these feelings swirling inside me, I just couldn't handle talking to her then.

Hell, I probably couldn't handle it now either. I would either scream at her or cry at the sight of her. It could go either way, each was equally likely.

I was messed up now, just thinking about her. See, this is why I need to just forget her, I'm on the brim of crying just from thinking about her for ten some minutes.

I took a deep breath and started shaking, silently crying.

Charlie nuzzled his way under my arms and lay his head on my chest, clawing softly at my arms until I moved them away from my face. He licked my cheek and then rested his head on my chest again, breathing deeply.

I sighed and wrapped an arm around him, petting him softly, staring at the ceiling, reliving everything that had happened since I met Ryker.

Everything changed after she came into my life.

And everything changed again when she left it.

So with all this change, how could people expect me to just be okay with her coming back after all that had happened?

I didn't know what was up and what was down, what was right and what was wrong, what was real and what was a dream. I couldn't tell anymore.

Sure, I missed her. But I was also mad at her. And scared that if I let her back in, she would leave again.

She was like a hurricane to me, whenever she got close my whole world got torn apart, and then just like that one day she's just gone.

She's gone without a trace except all the parts of me that she scattered about. So I start to pick up the pieces and put them back in their places, a puzzle of myself, but then she just comes back?

How can I trust her not to tear everything apart again?

I can't. And I won't.