Goodbye Graceful (Ronnie Radke love story, 3rd book in The Drug In Me series )

56. Morality is Temporary

**** life can be a real bitch lovelies, but you can make it! Love you all ****

*Ryker*

As soon as I saw him, I felt everything else fall away as I was overwhelmed with emotions.

Ronnie was here. Oh god, Ronnie was here, he was right in front of me, he was staring at me with those beautiful brown eyes, and I was getting lost in all that I felt.

I took a moment to check him out, looking at his fancy pointed white shoes, his skinny jeans and belt, with a tight black shirt that hugged his muscles in exactly the right way, the sleeves cut off to show the pop of his arm muscles when he moved, just as he was doing right now..

His hair was straight and parted to the side, his face clean-shaven and his sunglasses nowhere to be seen. No scarf or vest. I remember those days...

I wonder if he's as different as he feels to me. Has he completely changed?

Hell, have I completely changed? Maybe... I mean, no drugs is a pretty big change since last time he knew me. But I hadn't changed in how I felt about him. I still love him more than life itself.

Sometimes, it gets so hard, it hurts so much, sometimes so bad that I forget how to breathe but of course I remember his eyes and how easily he told me he never wanted to see me again.

Almost as easily as he told me he loved me as he ripped my heart out and left me with all the bloody pieces. But I still love him with all the pieces. It's hard, it's really fucking hard, and sometimes it feels like no one understands.

Early mornings, 2 am, where can my heart run to? Crying every night, but it's not enough, nothings enough to soothe the agonizing pain that losing him makes me feel.

I'm drowning in his eyes, suffocating under his stare, and I can't pull away, he's drawing me in, sucking me under his spell of torture and pain.

Then I feel Leah brush by me, and I used that to pull free, tearing my eyes away from his eyes, ending my torturous nightmare of a dream.

I kept my eyes closed to save myself from getting trapped by Ronnie's eyes again, but I could feel him watching me.

I danced how I felt, turning the pain into something somewhat beautiful, if not strange and hectic. Moving my arms above my head, rotating my hips and clenching my eyes shut.

In my head, I saw the first night that I met Ronnie, I saw the first night I spent with him, I saw the first and only time we had had sex, I saw us fighting, I saw him yelling at me to stay away, I saw myself run away. It was like everything that had happened was driving me in this exact moment, giving me this dance and the energy to keep moving.

I kept dancing, unable to resist peeking over at Ronnie to make sure he was still looking at me. It felt like if he looked away then I would fall apart all over again.

I danced sexy, I danced regally, I danced however I could to keep his eyes on me, shaking my body and twisting my hips.

I summoned all the memory of belly dancing that I had and used it all up, making up what I didn't have, twisting my hips round and around and sliding on my legs, twirling my hands by my hips and trying my best to not fall. I needed to be perfect or he would lose interest....

I don't know how much time had passed, but eventually I felt someone's arms on me, and I somehow just knew it was Ronnie. I opened my eyes a little to see his face looking down at me, and once again I was drowning in his eyes.

I didn't look away, he didn't look away, we just stared at each other. I changed my dancing to fit with him.

I reached my arms out to hold onto his shirt, resting on his chest. His arms were across my waist, and he pulled me against him, where I moved back and forth with him, staring up at him.

I was scared to blink, even for a second. I feared that if I looked away he would disappear, like he wasn't really here. Or maybe he was, but he would pull away and leave, and I would have to watch him leave, and it would tear me to the breaking point.

I stared into his eyes, getting lost in this feeling, but it was nice, it was good, he was here, he was holding me, touching me, dancing with me.

I grind against him, biting my lip to keep from jumping on him and doing something embarrassing like crying.

But as I stared at him as we danced, I got this feeling in my gut, and I knew that this wouldn't last. Ronnie didn't want me back, he just wanted to dance with me.

I was practically baiting him with my dancing, of course. But if he was to walk away, leave me, I don't think I'd recover. And I had to stay strong, I had to be strong. This was Esha's fucking party, I couldn't have a break down and ruin it all.

It tore me apart, but I had to do this...

I pulled away from Ronnie and quickly pushed through the crowd, hoping to lose him within all the people.

Seeing Andy's tall frame by the bar, I made my way over carefully, knowing Esha would be there.

I made it to them, my whole body shaking from the effort of keeping away from Ronnie. I sat on a stool next to Esha and nudged her.

"Hey there pretty lady. You enjoying yourself? I saw you two dancing, I knew I was right to have this at a hotel, there's plenty of rooms-" she silenced me with a hand on my mouth. I grinned, sending her a cheeky wink before shrugging.

"Thank you for this Ryker, I don't know what to say, no one's ever done anything like this for me before," she said, and I shrugged, blushing.

"It's nothing, I figured you could meet some of the bands that we hang out with a lot. And any good excuse to dance with that sexy hunk of meat you were dancing all o-" I laughed as she covered my mouth again, her face heating up no doubt.

"Ryker, you really have your head in a constant state of sex, don't you?" I shrugged, pulling away from her hand to speak.

"Esha Esha Esha my dear, you're the one talking about sex, I can't blame you really, Andy can be irresistible to some-hey!" I said, rubbing my arm when she smacked it.

"That didn't hurt" she said, rolling her eyes and grinning.

"No, it didn't. It's the thought that counts though. You wound me" I said, holding my heart in mock pain.

I blushed to feel my heart still beating fast from Ronnie.

I turned my head to see Ronnie across the room, leaning against the wall.

His eyes were on me.

I shivered, staring back before seeing him disappear into the hotel lobby.