Goodbye Graceful (Ronnie Radke love story, 3rd book in The Drug In Me series )

41. My Heart Can't Take This

**** Hey guys, I want you to know that I love you and you're beautiful and that you can make it, just stay strong lovelies.

Song for this chapter, Ronnie's part at least, is God damn by Falling In Reverse. For some reason it doesn't exist in wattpad YouTube though so I can't link it to you guys sorry.

ALSO SOMETHING I MENTION IN THIS CHAPTER WILL BE THE START OF YOUR SAVING GRACE WITH THE RYNNIE SHIP XD ;) I'M SO EXCITED****

*Ryker*

I woke up embarrassed by how my dreams had turned out, involving Ronnie and some............things..... I could still feel his lips, his hands all over me, his-

Ahem, anyways....

Ashley's arms were around me, and I was pressed against him, one of my legs between his, the other hanging off the couch.

His hands had moved down to my butt sometime during the night, but I think it was more of an accidental habit than anything else.

I felt really comfortable, even though my head was pounding slightly, no doubt from the alcohol and the lack of water in my body.

I closed my eyes and lay my head back down, my cheek pressed against Ashley's chest, warm and soft.

I shifted in place, stupidly forgetting where my legs and waist were placed, and ended up brushing my thigh across Ashley's crotch.... it wasn't hard enough to hurt, only enough pressure for him, or his body at least, to notice.

I blushed a deep red and rolled off of him, biting my lip in horror. Fuck me, I could've-he could've....fuck.

I heard him groan in his sleep but he didn't show any evidence of waking up, so I sighed, relieved.

I went to the kitchen first, getting a glass of water and downing it quickly, shaking my head as the cold rushed to my brain.

We should throw a huge party for Esha to welcome her into the group....we could invite a bunch of bands and shit....

Only then did I notice that Luna and Max were no longer on the floor next to the couch. I walked past the guest bedroom and saw them laying in bed.

They must've moved sometime during the night, leaving Ashley and I to lay on each other on the couch.

I didn't mind much though, Ashley was warm and comforting and he smelled like bubblegum mint and cologne.

I hopped in the shower quickly and changed into a plain black button-down and some black skinny jeans.

I looked in the mirror, taking a strand of my short, damp hair and twisting it between my fingers.

I frowned and sighed at myself in the mirror, leaning down on the sink and groaning quietly.

No wonder Ronnie doesn't want you!

You're fucking ugly as hell!

You nasty gremlin, fucking hag!

Why don't you just kill yourself.

Or do heroin.

Heroin will make it better.

Heroin will make it all better.

No! Stop it, no, I'm not gonna do that again, I'm not.

Get out of my head! Leave me alone!

I muffled a scream in my hand and then walked out of the bathroom. I tiptoed to the closet door, curious.

Had they stayed in there all night?!! There was hardly enough room for them, they must've been really, really close to each other to fit in there together.

I was giving myself a heart attack just thinking of it, and what they had possibly done for the hours and hours that they were in there...

I opened it slightly and peeked in to see Esha on her phone, laying on Andy's lap. He was fast asleep, his head tucked in her shoulder and his arms around her waist.

I made my face go red holding in a squeal, and I shut the door quickly in embarrassment as Esha's amused eyes met mine.

God damn it, I don't think my heart can handle this....

I creeped to Leah and my shared bedroom, seeing the door closed. I tiptoed as close as I could, softly nudging the door to open a tad and shoving my face through the crack.

I can't believe I didn't squeal when I saw. But I managed to hold it in.

Leah and Ryan were laying in bed. Ryan was shirtless, and Leah had one of my shirts on, baggy and loose on her. She liked wearing them to bed. So they must've changed.....

They were laying down facing each other. One of Ryan's arms disappeared under the covers, probably wrapped around Leah's waist. His other hand was on her cheek, his thumbs brushing across her lips.

I swear it was like my heart was bursting but I had to be quiet.

I saw a blush on Leah's cheeks, but her hands were pressed to Ryan's chest, bunched in fists, save for her thumbs, which were spread out and feeling his bare skin.

I should leave....

I waited just long enough to see Ryan lean his head down and kiss Leah before I closed the door softly, running to the living room before letting out my squeal.

OH MY GOD! MY SHIP IS FUCKING SAILING AWAY ON RAINBOWS AND FLOWER CROWNS AND AHHHHHH!

And Esha and Andy were still in the closet... heh...

*Ronnie*

I tried to ignore the constant dinging of my phone notifying me that twitter and instagram were blowing up. God damn it, I really tried.

But I just couldn't resist after a while. I opened up twitter first, bracing myself for the shit storm.

Kids were tagging me to all sorts of things, it was crazy. I was linked to Ashley's account, Luna's posts, Andy's posts, and some girl named Esha's account.

Of course, all of it was something to do with Ryker. Ryker and Ashley, Ryker half naked running down a hallway, Ryker winking into the camera, Ryker punching Max's shoulder, Ryker on Ashley's back. Pictures, videos, mentions, all of it had to do with Ryker.

God damn, Ryker this Ryker that.

Ryker and Ashley looked really close....always sitting right next to each other, legs touching. Always seeming to cuddle at night.... they were too close to my liking.

My heart can't take this.....

God damn it, was Ryker in love with Ashley?!!

God damn it, what the fuck!

I guess I couldn't really blame her....he was a lady killer, and she seemed to spend an awful lot of time with him. I didn't really give her much of a chance...

I can't help myself, I miss her. I want her back. But I'm too prideful to ask her to come back to me. And I'm still a little mad at her....but mostly I miss her.

God damn......