Goodbye Graceful (Ronnie Radke love story, 3rd book in The Drug In Me series )

46. Irritation

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*Ryker*

I woke up tired and groggy, alone in bed. I could hear Leah banging around in the kitchen, and I grumbled with irritation. I was not in a good mood today.

I had dreamt, once again, of everything that had happened with Ronnie, and I was not happy to wake up like this.

And maybe it was also the fact that Falling and Escape The Fate were off on tour with each other, and Luna was dragging me to the concert they were having 2 hours from my apartment.

I would spend a whole day going to a damned concert where I oh so luckily got to stare at the man who hated my guts whilst I was so dreadfully in love with him I couldn't sleep for fear of never wanting to wake up if it meant never seeing him again.

I get that Luna was lonely cause Max was gone, and I was fine with her staying over from time to time, practically living with us to keep the loneliness away.

It worked out pretty nicely though, because it ensured that I wouldn't drink till I was completely shit faced when Leah went out to get work or something, because Luna would be there gushing about a new movie we would watch.

But I wasn't happy that she was practically twisting my arm to go.

I could always say no but she didn't have anyone else to go with. Losing Echo had hit her hard, she was always closer to Echo then I'd been.

After that, she was very cautious with who she trusted. It made me sad to think that my once outgoing, to an extent, loveable friend was now scared to trust anyone.

I didn't want to hurt her, so I would go. I wouldn't be happy about it, but I would do it. As long as it made Luna happy. Leah was going to come, of course, she wouldn't miss the chance to see her love, even if she still wouldn't admit that they were soulmates.

I groaned and pissed about in bed for a while, before admitting I was wasting time and rolling out of bed. From there, I laid on the floor for a while.

It took me much longer than usual to muster up the motivation to get in the bathroom. I was in desperate need of a shower, and good brush down, and a good slap to knock some sense into me perhaps.

I just couldn't find the motivation to do anything anymore. My life was falling apart around me, and I was doing nothing to stop it. I just watched as my world crumbled around me.

It was embarrassing really, how I was letting myself breakdown over a simple 'boy'. Surely I had more pride than this?

But then that's just it, he was not just some boy. He was my everything, the reason to wake up, so that I could see him, kiss him, feel him. Without him, I just can't seem to find my will to do anything.

Nothing seemed worth it. And I knew that I had to pull myself together, pull myself out of this hole I'd been digging for years and years, get out of this situation that was surely setting back feminism for decades. But I just couldn't. I was stuck.

And Leah and Luna tried to help, they really did, and thank Hell for that, but I just couldn't drag myself away from this sea of degradation, this fixation I had with self destruction.

And I knew I was taking it too far, hardly eating, barely leaving the apartment. But I couldn't find it in myself to care.

I was completely numb at times, and other times it felt like I would explode from all the feelings and pain.

I hadn't left the apartment in weeks. Hell, I barely left my bed. It was getting so bad that even my friends were getting frustrated that they couldn't seem to help me.

But I managed to get out of bed today. Managed to drag myself to the bathroom, force myself to take a shower. I rubbed myself down rather numbly, staring into space.

I sighed widely and began to wash my hair, closing my eyes and letting myself escape into the simplicity of warm water cascading down my shoulders, warming me up and staying the pain that was eating me away inside.

But it only lasted for meager minutes, and soon enough I was back to reality and shivering at unpleasant thoughts.

I turned the water off and patted myself down, scrubbing myself dry until my skin stung. I smiled a bit at that, pulling on pajama pants and a long-sleeved black shirt.

I pulled my hair into a messy ponytail, walking past the mirror quickly before I could find myself in the position to see my reflection.

When I walked in the kitchen, Leah and Luna looked at me before staring at each other in shock. Was it really such a surprise? I suppose it was, me showered and walking around without being dragged.

I wanted to get better, I really did. But it was a very slow road, very slow process, and I just didn't know how long I'd stay on course. But I was trying.

I was learning how to deal with everything. I was learning to move past the withdrawal. Though I never told anyone, I still get bad withdrawal every once in a while.

I didn't want to say anything because I didn't want anyone to worry about me going back to drugs. There was no way I would ever go back, could ever go back.

I was learning to love myself.

But I couldn't learn how to live without constantly missing Ronnie, feeling like my ribs were gone, my heart breaking bit by bit with every waking second spent without him.

I could never learn to not love Ronnie.