Goodbye Graceful (Ronnie Radke love story, 3rd book in The Drug In Me series )

51. Reminiscing

**** sorry I haven't updated! I hope you enjoy my darlings. 3000 plus words for you ^,^ ****

*Ryker*

It had been a week since Diablo and August had called. August had called a couple times since then, but I never picked up. Never listened to the messages he left either. Just deleted them.

I didn't feel like letting another man into my life only to hurt me. It wasn't worth it. He'd obviously chosen our family over me. He made his bed, so let him lie in it. I didn't need him.

Before everything that had happened, I had gotten into a lot of fights defending him. He tried doing the same, but I was always there to take the attention away from him before he got too hurt. I think he had felt bad that I had gotten into so many fights for him, and that I had never needed him to do the same. I always was a fighter. I hate depending on people. It does nothing but hurt you.

I just wanted to forget, forget everything. But I couldn't. Still, I tried. I really fucking tried.

But ever since he called, I had been recalling moments, memories. Anything and everything that we had done that had made me laugh, cry, or both.

Graffitying trains with him. Sneaking out of school. Ding dong ditching people. Haunted houses on Halloween. Scaring kids. Trying to do magic tricks. Late nights laying on the roof looking at stars. Sneaking out of the house. Being each others alibis. Helping each other leave class without getting in trouble.

Maybe I was a bad influence on him...he had always been the better twin: nicer, smarter, funnier, handsomer. Anything good, he was it. Anything bad, chances were I was it. He never got in trouble unless it was because of me.

Now that I think about it, I was always getting him into trouble. Convincing him to break the rules with me. I always got him into to trouble.

He never let me take the fall for it alone though. He had been a hard person to hate. Only people that hated him hated him cause he was so god damned perfect it made them sick with envy.

And look at you now...hating him.

I don't hate him. I could never. I hate myself for not being important to him. I hate myself for not being good enough for him. I don't hate him. Just myself.

I shook my head out and patted Lester's head, sighing and staring at the wall. The wall I had memorized by now with all the staring, glaring, whatever it was I felt like doing that day.

My life was sad. I was pathetic, I admit it. I had let myself slip away into the mindset of disgustingly pathetic.

Pathetic, I know.

Feeling the silence of the apartment weighing me down, I shrunk farther into the couch. I can't tell if the walls were the source of the negativity in the room, or if it was me. Obviously, it couldn't be the walls, but I was too far gone to care.

All I know is that by now, I could see the walls frowning back at me, mirroring my attitude. Maybe I was psychotic. Maybe I'm losing my sanity, my mind. Feels like I lost that long before this though.

I groaned loudly, annoying even myself with my bad behavior. God how had someone not punched me yet, I was so pathetic and annoying as fuck.

I gently pushed Lester off my lap and walked to the kitchen, pouring myself some water in my glass, and then stomped over to the door.

Okay, I was acting like a complete child, and I knew Luna and Leah were holding back chuckles, but their eyes had a concern behind the glint, and I felt like I was drowning in concerned and amusement.