Goodbye Graceful (Ronnie Radke love story, 3rd book in The Drug In Me series )

31. Cold Where There Was Once Warmth

**** Song is Cold by Crossfade, it fits Ronnie's point of view in my opinion. It shows how he knows he's being cold towards Ryker and he doesn't mean to but he just finds himself acting like that, almost without being able to help it. 

I know that most of the time 2 pit bulls of the same sex don't get along well, but for this story, I'm making an exception, alrightie? 

I hope you enjoy****

*Ronnie* 

~

Ryker's voice was breathless as she smashed her lips on mine, surprising me with her forceful, desperate kiss. 

Her hands quickly found their way up my shirt, and she shoved me on the bed, crawling on top on me and pulling my shirt up to my neck, where she stared at me until I pulled it all the way off. 

She tilted her head and just stared at me for a moment, probably surprised that I had let her go this far already, since lately all I had done was push her away. But I couldn't do anything to stop her; I didn't want to stop her. Her touch did more to me than alcohol ever could. I felt like I was on fire, and with every touch she sent me deeper into my ecstatic frenzy. 

She straddled me, rocking her body back and forth on me, biting and tugging on my lip and pulling on my hair harshly. Her love-making fit our love; it was harsh and rough and almost violent, but it had undertones of good intentions. 

She pulled away and started to kiss my neck, her fingers fumbling with pants, unbuttoning them and pulling at the zipper teasingly. She made her way to my shoulder, leaving light kisses down my neck. She started kissing her way down my chest, and with each kiss she slid down farther, rubbing against me in a way that made my vision go cloudy. 

When she passed my belly button I knew exactly where this was going, and my heart started going crazy, my body trembling ever-so-slightly. I clench my fists at my sides as she hovers her head directly over my boxers, pulling them down so slowly I feel like I might explode before she even starts the real teasing. 

Finally she pulls them completely off and she sits up to look at me before leaning down and putting her lips on my- 

~ 

There's a weight on my chest and I open my eyes to find Charlie whining down at me. I wave him off and sit up, sighing deeply and rubbing my face with my hands. God damn me and my fucking dreams. Fucking hell. How can she still haunt my dreams like that even when I'm convincing myself daily that I hate her? 

I know there's something in me that still likes her, but I'm just.....I don't know. She really messed up what we had, and I'm scared to let myself feel things for her again because I don't know if she'll do it again. I don't know if she's relapsed into drugs again or what is going on with her. 

I have no fucking idea, so what the hell am I supposed to think? I made the mistake of trusting her before, and now that I have to trust myself I just don't know what to think anymore.

For all I know, she doesn't even like me....so....

I tried not to focus on that, instead going to take a shower. I stood under the water flow for a long time, letting my mind drift in all different directions, most of them involving Ryker in one way or another. 

When I couldn't take it anymore, I turned off the water and got dressed quickly, groaning to myself about how I needed to get my head out of the gutter, and stop thinking about Ryker. I especially had to stop dreaming about her underneath me, her breathless moans, her pleading, her lingering touch, her biting lips, her hands tugging my hair and I sent her over the edge and made her-