Game Over: Life's Over

Swallow Me Whole

I contemplated telling Eric and Theo about the play group Soleil had told me about though I wasn't one hundred percent sure I wanted to go. It was weird enough being around kids when I looked nothing like them but to be around people just like me intimidated the hell out of me. At least Soleil was easy to talk to.

I knew I wasn't ready to tell her about my bedwetting and the new changes I was dealing with. She hadn't told me hers so I wasn't about to tell her mine. I needed to have some secrets while I came to terms with everything.

I was a little too hopeful that my bedwetting would be limited to every few days or once a week. Anymore, it was a daily occurrence. Every morning I would wake up wet and have to put on a new pull-up. I didn't want to keep any more secrets from Theo but I didn't want him to know that I needed the pull-ups.

But I underestimated Theo and how smart he was. Since I'd already lied about my bladder issues, he was on high alert for anything more that I tried to pull. I tried hiding the accidents I was starting to have during the day but he caught me just after the first time it happened.

Eric came home from work and Theo followed him upstairs. It was another instance of adults talking behind my back and not including me. I knew it was simply because I was the kid and they were the adults and I didn't need to worry myself with any big problems but I hated not being included in conversations. They did the same with Mom when she came over.

But I always found out what was being said. Typically, I had to wait until the rules were changing or I was getting in trouble for something. I knew they had good reason for doing it but it was my life and I wanted a say in what went on.

Eric sat down on the coffee table in front of me while Theo chose to sit beside me on the couch.

"Jake, we have to talk about your bedwetting." Eric's words were slow, like he was gauging my reaction while he spoke.

"We already talked about it."

He shook his head. "Theo and I know the bedwetting hasn't stopped. We don't think using pull-ups is the way to go anymore."

"What are you saying?"

"Pull-ups aren't going to hold your entire bladder. It only works on accidents and leaks. Diapers can hold much more," Theo said, taking over for Eric.

I shook my head. "I'm not using diapers. Forget it."

"I wish we didn't need to switch but it's time. This will help you, Jake."

"How is using diapers going to help me? The only thing they'll do is embarrass me more. I can't go through that."

"We don't want to embarrass you. We wouldn't do it if it weren't necessary."

"It's better than leaking through your pull-ups."

"The answer's no."

Theo put his hand on my knee. "Jake, I'm sorry."

I pushed him away. "No. You're not sorry or you wouldn't be doing this to me."

"Jake-" Eric started.

I stood up and walked around them and toward the steps. "Just leave me alone." I walked up the steps and went into my room.

As I shut the door, I felt something wet on my leg. I looked down and saw a dark, wet spot on my leg that trailed down from my crotch.

My hands balled into fists and I squeezed my eyes shut tight as tears filled them. I hated that Eric and Theo were right. I hated that my body was giving up on me and turning on me. Did I have no say in what my future would look like?

It was so unfair.

"Jacob, can we come in?" Theo's voice was soft outside my door.

I sniffed and wiped my eyes with the back of my fingers. "No."

My words weren't very convincing. Theo opened the door and he and Eric came inside.

"Hey. We know this is hard on you. We don't mean to make it any harder." Theo put a hand on my shoulder.

A sob hiccuped from my chest. "I don't want to do this."

"I know you don't."

"We can help you get changed in just a few minutes and you won't even notice a difference." Eric didn't have the calming tone that Theo did. He wasn't as good when it came to emotions as Theo was. It didn't mean he didn't care though. I knew he did and I knew he wanted to help me.

Another sob came out and I couldn't form any coherent words. I was losing the battle and nothing I said was going to change or fix anything. It was happening and I just had to deal with it.

I hated it. All of it.

Theo put his arm around me and pulled me into his chest. "I'm sorry, Jake. Can I help you get changed?"

I wanted to say no. I wanted to argue. But I knew it was a losing battle. This was happening whether I wanted it to or not.

I rubbed my eyes but didn't move from where I was.

"Come on, Jake. We'll make this quick, okay?"

I gave him the smallest nod.

He guided me over to the changing table and pulled out a small step with his foot. "Go ahead and sit on the table. It's just like the kind you use at the doctor's office."

I moved my hands away from my eyes just enough to see where I was going. I stepped up and sat down on the table. It was padded enough that it didn't feel like a table. The padding was a grey material that looked like it'd be easy to clean.

As I sat back, I realized that I was too tall for the table. In order for my head to lay comfortably on the table, I had to pull my knees up. I figured it wouldn't be a problem considering what was about to happen.

Theo pulled out a pack of wipes and a diaper and set them on the table beside me. He helped me take off my pants and tossed them into the hamper by the door.

Knowing I wasn't comfortable, Theo didn't take long to change me from my pull-up and into a diaper. He taped it up in just seconds and tossed the old pull-up and used wipes in the trash.

"If you want, I can show you how to change yourself. It will be difficult at first but I can teach you anyway."

I didn't say anything. I pushed myself into a seated position and rubbed my eyes with the heels of my hands. "Can I have some pants?"

Eric handed over another pair of sweatpants. A clean pair. "Here you go."

I slid the sweatpants on over my legs and worked them up until they covered the diaper. It didn't feel much different than the pull-ups did but it was a little louder than the pull-up. It crinkled a bit more whenever I moved. I knew that'd take a while to get used to.

Theo patted my knee. "Why don't you come downstairs and watch some TV? I can make you something to eat."

I shook my head. "I wanna stay up here."

Theo pursed his lips. "Alright. Call us if you need anything, okay?"

I nodded. I waited until they were both gone before I got down from the table. I walked over to my bed and crawled under the blankets. I pulled them up to my shoulders and hid my face in my pillow, hoping it would swallow me whole.