Game Over: Life's Over

Regression

Mom took off a few days of work so she could be with me during my birthday. I moved in just a few days before my birthday and while I knew the time would pass quickly, it seemed like it was crawling. I didn't want my birthday to come any sooner but I at least wanted to get it over with. I wanted to know what was going to happen to me.

Mom wanted to talk with Eric and Theo so she asked me to stay in my room. I wasn't sure what they were going to talk about but having some time by myself seemed like the best thing for me after I'd settled into my room.

But being by myself left me with lots of time that I didn't know what to do with. What was there to do in a house set up for a toddler? Part of me expected the parenting controls to be on all the TVs and set times for when I could watch TV. Eric and Theo didn't seem like the type to control things like that but I wasn't sure how the rules would go. They, too, had their own rules to follow.

When I turned the TV on, there were several options for me to choose from. Netflix, Hulu, and even HBO. Maybe things wouldn't be so bad.

So long as I didn't regress on my birthday.

I settled on an animated show I always liked and sat on the bed Mom helped me make. I got my phone out and loaded up Google. I typed in regression genetic mutation and watched as thousands of articles popped up.

Tay-Sachs Mutation1 is a genetic mutation that causes both a mental and a physical regression. While there is still much to be known about this mutation, many of the symptoms often resemble mental illnesses such as borderline personality disorder (BPD) or dependent personality disorder.

I scrolled further down and found an article on Reddit from people who said they were diagnosed. Most of the posts at the top were people asking random questions either wanting to know how to baby-proof a space or trying to find services for one thing or another. It took me a minute to find articles on actually being diagnosed and how others have coped with the diagnosis.

I, obviously, was diagnosed when I turned eighteen or sometime before that. I didn't have any changes occur right away so there weren't many changes that needed to be made in my life. Most of my friends don't even know I have the diagnosis. While I do still need support in my life, I am able to work and function without much struggle.

I read several different entries similar to the first where people didn't have any difficulties with their new lifestyle because they never changed. I wanted that to be me but I wasn't convinced.

I found a post that wasn't like the others. It was written by someone who didn't have the mutation but whose brother did.

My brother got diagnosed a few years ago and he's a totally different person now. Sometimes I don't even recognize him. The mutation took over quickly and changed him practically overnight. He needs help with everything now. Feeding, changing his diapers, and bathing just to name a few. His caregiver is great at helping him live but he isn't the same brother I grew up with anymore.

I blinked back some tears and opened a new tab. I searched regression and clicked on the first article I found. It was from WebMD.

Regression is an immature defense mechanism caused when an individual cannot cope in an age-appropriate way to stressors caused in their lives. Regression is a psychological defense mechanism where an individual copes with stressful situations or events by retreating to an earlier developmental stage. Regression may be seen at any stage of development and at any age when someone behaves in a way that's immature or inappropriate for their age.

I found a video of someone with regression. The person filming was asking the regressed person questions. It was a young girl who looked around my age. She was playing with a dollhouse and some dolls. The way she talked didn't sound like someone who was a teenager or young adult. She didn't use big words or care to really talk. She just wanted to play.

Was that going to be me?

"Jake, Theo made lunch if you're hungry." Mom appeared in the doorway to my room, breaking me out of the funk I was in from the rabbit hole I found myself in.

I looked up at her from my phone. "I'm not really hungry."

She frowned at my response. "Are you feeling alright? How come you're turning down food?"

"I'm just not hungry."

She walked into the room and sat down beside me. "I know this move is a lot for you, honey, but don't let it get you down. We'll get through this."

"That's not... I'm not upset about that."

"Okay, then what's making you so upset?"

I shook my head. "This whole thing just... it sucks. I hate not knowing what's going to happen to me when I wake up tomorrow."

Mom put her arm around my shoulders and hugged me. "You're still going to be you."

"But what if I'm not? What if I wake up and I'm a whole different person? What if I don't know who I am or who you are?"

She shook her head. "You won't have to worry about that, honey. I'm sure you'll still remember. That's not going to go away when you wake up."

"How do you know that?"

"Because I'm your mom. I know you."

I sighed. I wanted that to be enough but it wasn't. Her words didn't reassure me at all.

I wish it was enough.