Game Over: Life's Over

Cake

I was surprised that Will's caregiver, Emily, stayed for the party. I thought she would have left like Carrie did. But she was eager to stay and help and talk with the adults. Maybe she missed that since she was around Will most of the time.

Out of the three of us, Will acted the most childish. He used his binky often and appeared to fall into his baby headspace easily. He was still fun to have around but it did make me nervous. What if I ended up like that?

Theo ordered pizza for dinner to go with the other foods he had sitting out. He made a veggie tray, had chips in different colored bowls, and he made cookies into shapes relating to school like a graduation cap, a diploma, and a book. It was a bit much but I appreciated the gesture. I was glad he cared.

I liked having Will and Soleil over. Theo and Eric tried to keep me company and be friendly but it wasn't the same as being around people who were like me. I thought it would scare me to see people with my disability. I thought seeing people who had regressed more than me would freak me out. It was certainly something I had to get used to but it was easier than I thought it would be.

We didn't have any toys in the backyard so there wasn't much for us to do. I wasn't sure if it was because Theo and Eric didn't know what to get or if they were just waiting out my disability to see how I would act. For the most part, I acted like a normal eighteen-year-old. But there were still things that made me different. Playgroup certainly brought those differences to the surface.

Will, Soleil, and I sat in the grass, batting off bugs that flew in front of our faces. The temperature was high that day so it brought all the bugs out.

Soleil leaned back on her hands and stared up at the sky. "Can I ask you guys something?"

Will shrugged. "Go ahead. You know I don't have any secrets."

I wondered how he got so trusting of people. It took a lot for me to open up. And even then, I still had my guard up.

"Have you had to deal with diapers?"

Wearing diapers was a topic I didn't want to get into. Especially, not with Soleil.

Will didn't seem to have a problem talking about it though. He was fine bringing up things that weren't always so easy to talk about because they were awkward and embarrassing. "I do. It's not as bad as it seems. What have you had to deal with so far?"

Soleil's face turned red and she stared down at her feet. "I don't want to talk about it."

Will raised his eyebrows. "You asked about it. You can't leave me hanging."

Soleil fell back onto the grass, laying herself flat on the ground. "I can and I am. I don't want to talk about it anymore."

Will rolled his eyes at me. He got to his feet. "I'm gonna go inside. All this talk is making me realize I need changed."

I watched Will walk into the kitchen and then I scooted closer to Soleil. I laid down beside her to the point that our shoulders were touching. "Did you want to talk about it but then you changed your mind because saying it out loud would make it real?"

She turned her head in my direction. "How did you know?"

"There's a lot I don't like to talk about. But some stuff I have to say because I can't avoid it. Do you talk to Carrie?"

"No. And I definitely don't tell my parents. I'm not comfortable telling them some stuff when they aren't around to help me deal with it."

"Would they though if you reached out to them?"

"Probably. They would swarm me and try to help me through it."

"You don't want that?"

"Would you?"

Mom wanted what was best for me. Eric and Theo wanted what was best for me. I knew that the smothering and the overprotectiveness were all just to help me. It was how they showed they cared without having to verbally say it. It was just a lot to handle when I was the one at the forefront of all the problems and changes. I had a lot to deal with so when the smothering happened, it only made things worse.

"Would it help if I told Carrie for you?"

She sniffled and stared up at the sky. "I don't want to say anything to anyone."

"Not even me?"

She sniffled again and this time, she wiped tears from her cheeks. "No."

"I've told you stuff."

"That's different."

"How?"

"I... I like you. I can't tell you stuff cause then you'll think I'm embarrassing and you won't like me back."

"Well, you would know more about me but I keep stuff to myself too. I don't tell you everything that's going on with me."

She frowned. "I hate keeping secrets."

"So don't."

"I can't tell you deep, dark secrets about me if you aren't gonna tell me something in return."

I sat up and crossed my legs under me. "I lost all my friends when I moved here. The only people I talk to are you and Will."

Soleil sat up so she was facing me. "Was it the move or..."

I shook my head. "It happened before I moved. This was just... the icing on the cake."

"All my friends went off to college and left me behind. My parents wouldn't let me go so the riff between us all just grew until we lost contact with each other. I still follow them on social media but I think they forget I even exist."

"I'm sorry."

She pulled some blades of grass out of the ground and ripped them up with her fingers. "Being different is hard. Everyone always says to just be yourself and the right people will come along but it's hard when you don't want to be yourself."

"Who would you be if you could be someone else?"

"A dancer, maybe. Or a mom. I always wanted to be a mom."

"And have to deal with kids all the time? Gross."

She slapped my knee. "There's nothing wrong with liking kids."

"Yeah, someone has to."

She rolled her eyes. "You can't hate on kids when we're..."

"That gives me an extra reason."

"Hey, are you guys coming in? Theo said we can have cake." Will stood in the doorway.

Soleil looked at me and smiled. "I love cake. Come on."