Game Over: Life's Over

Easier Said Than Done

"You've been dealing with quite a few changes lately. I'm sure this is hard for you to adjust to so suddenly." Dr. Simmons clasped her hands in her lap as she sat facing me. She sat a bit lower than I did but that still didn't stop me from feeling so small.

I nodded. She had no idea how hard it was to wake up and not know what condition my body would be in.

"Have you talked with Theo or his husband about how you've been feeling?"

I shook my head.

"What about your mom? Have you been able to get in touch with her or see her?"

"She came up last weekend."

"Good. Maybe you would feel more comfortable talking to her about what's been happening."

"I'm not... I don't like talking about this stuff. Not even to my mom."

She nodded. "I'm sure it can feel a bit overwhelming."

I nodded.

"Living with your genetic mutation can feel daunting at times. There are a lot of unknowns to deal with that can leave you feeling overwhelmed and even depressed, at times. I want you to know that it's normal and you're allowed to feel upset and angry. You don't need to keep that bottled in."

"I hate not knowing when something's going to happen."

"This is a really hard situation to deal with. I understand your frustration. I wish I was able to help you answer some of the questions I'm sure you have."

"Everyone expects me to talk about what's going on and how I'm feeling but... sometimes I don't even know. Everyone's waiting on me to say something or do something and I'm still trying to process it all in my head."

"It's hard to put into words how you're feeling."

I nodded. Sometimes, it was easier to cry than it was to try to vocalize my emotions.

"I have some things you can try that might help when you're feeling overwhelmed." She stood and walked over to the sink area. Above the sink were three cabinets. She opened the one on the left and grabbed a few things. I couldn't see what they were until she closed the door.

There was something packaged in plastic in one hand and a stuffed animal in the other. It looked like a yellow duck or chick.

I made a face as she approached me. She set the stuffed animal, a duck, beside me on the table.

"You don't seem like you're playing with toys or stuffed animals right now but it might be nice to hug or sleep with this when you're having a rough day. Blankets can also help. I'd recommend a weighted blanket to help you. Those could come in handy when your mom isn't with you." She opened the plastic packaging and pulled out a pacifier. It was blue and green and looked larger than most I'd ever seen. "Pacifiers are also good to use to help with stress. I suggest you try it when you're upset or angry or feeling overwhelmed. You don't need it all the time though I have plenty of patients who use them on a regular basis and it's made a noticeable difference."

I shook my head. "I'm not a baby. I don't need this stuff."

"I'm not saying you're a baby. I just think trying these out might help you manage the stress you've been under lately."

"I'd rather just be stressed."

She gave me a sympathetic look. "Jacob, can you try to keep an open mind for me?"

"That's what I've been doing this whole time and nothing's gotten any better."

"Your life's never going to go back to how it had been. You have new changes to get used to, sure, but it will get better. It might be hard to deal with at first but your life isn't going to be miserable forever."

I rubbed my eyes with my fingertips. I wasn't about to cry but I could feel my emotions starting to bubble. They were just waiting to be set loose. "It feels that way. It's just been one shitty thing after another. I can't catch a break."

She put a hand on my knee. "Things haven't been easy for you, Jacob, but they won't stay like this. Let your mom and your caregivers help you through this. Talk to them."

"That's easier said than done."

"I know it is. Just give it a try for me. Like the stuffed animals and the pacifier. Just try it out."

I groaned and covered my face with my hands. I wasn't sure what was worse: wearing diapers or using a pacifier.

She stood up and rubbed her hand up and down my back. "We'll help you through this, Jacob. That's what we're all here for."

"Can I get dressed again?"

"Sure. I'll go talk to Theo for a minute so you can have some privacy." I waited until she left the room and shut the door behind her before I got to my feet. I grabbed my clothes and changed back into them, glad to be more covered than the gown had made me.

Once I was dressed again, I sat back on the table and stared down at the baby stuff Dr. Simmons had given me. She wanted me to try them out to see if they would help with my stress but I wasn't convinced.

Theo walked in and leaned against the door. "Are you ready to go? We're all done."

I nodded and got off the table once again.

"Don't forget the stuff Dr. Simmons gave you."

I rolled my eyes. So much for leaving them behind. I turned and grabbed the duck and the pacifier. I tried my best to hide them against my chest as we walked out, not wanting anyone to see me with either of them.