"Stuck In The Friend-Zone Again and Again"

"You Don't and You Won't"

That week was pretty boring, but filled with texting the boys and spending time with Jake.

Jake was with me on Friday night, because my parents were out for the night and said he could come over so I wouldn't be alone.
Most parents would never even think of leaving their 16 year old daughter alone with her boyfriend for a night, but my parents trusted me and my judgment, and they trusted Jake too.

We were cuddling on the couch, me in his lap, watching Netflix and eating some snacks.

The movie we had picked out was getting boring, and it was getting late anyway, so we decided to just head to bed.

I grabbed his hand and led him upstairs (unintended ATL reference on point).
We brushed our teeth and, already being in pajamas (well I was wearing his shirt and shorts), climbed into bed, sitting with our backs against the headboard.

He pulled me on top of him, so I was straddling him, kissing me lightly at first but getting intense quickly.
I didn't resist, though I was extremely nervous, since I had never done anything remotely like this before.

I tentatively reached up and put my hands in his hair, something I did on a regular basis just anywhere.
He smiled into the kiss, and slid his hands down so they rested on my hips.
His hands slowly started to inch their way up my shirt, and I pulled away and grabbed his hands, a look of terror probably in my eye.
"Please don't," I whispered softly, looking at him, afraid.

Imagine the feeling you get before you're about to take a huge test.
Now multiply that feeling by the feeling you get when someone says "I have something to talk to you about" or "we need to talk".
Now multiply that by how nervous and scared you feel when doing something life changing and monumental that could make or break you.

That was not even close to how nervous and scared I was.

Sex was something I had always feared.
It seemed terrifying, the whole process and dangers and everything.
It made normal people skittish.
Add that to my anxiety disorder and congratulations me: full blown genophobia.

"What's wrong?" He asked.
"I just don't want to... You know... yet, I want to wait a while," I said nervously.
An emotion I couldn't read passed over his features for a heartbeat, before his face twisted into a look of total understanding.
"That's perfectly fine, I respect your decision," he reassured me.
I sighed with relief; I had always been afraid of having a pushy boyfriend that didn't understand how big this was for me.
"Can we just cuddle?" I asked timidly.
He smiled warmly. "Of course."
I snuggled up to him, my head on his chest and arm on his stomach, my other arm tucked to my side.
He had an arm around me, and his other hand holding the hand that was resting on his abdomen.
We fell asleep like that, comfortable and close, sharing our warmth and feelings of affection.

And in that moment, I was pretty sure I was in love.