but i love her ~mattheo riddle x reader

how to save a life

(tw cuts, depres. brought to you by ghost)

its hard keeping track of time, but all i know is christmas is here pretty much. and with all the meetings i sneak into, im finding more and more which i can only tell mcgonagall. i never did tell her that draco was to kill dumbledore. that was his task as a death eater now. all the boys had been acting weird around me these past few weeks. mattheo barely wants to let me touch him, let alone he touch me. and then it wasnt long for winter break to be here. but the more i tried to stay at hogwarts was the more i got pushed to go home. they didnt trust me alone. all the sadness and anxiety would once resurface once more. "y/n" "yes draco" "you cant keep living like this" "thats easy for you draco" "they are going to find out" "no they wont" "the dark lord is going to rat you out y/n, theres a reason they wanted you to be with tom and not mattheo" "i killed 1 fucking person draco. and that makes me a psycho?" "it doesnt but they know that you could kill again if it came down to it y/n" "i was fucking 13 give me a fucking break draco" "you were 13 and violent" "and look at me now" "violent" "fuck off draco" i watched him looked at me while we walked out together. "your cute act wont last long and you know that" "but i can hope it does." "you say youve changed y/n and i can see you have, but theres still a part that hasnt." "and i have to watch delphini" "shes not coming tonight" "keep it that way" "im going to class and you should do the same" i looked at him. i had detour plans. find dumbledore and make sure he didnt die. and in the end i met with him on the tower. "y/n your a smart girl. dont let draco get to you" "its hard when he brings up stuff i couldnt even control back then.its like he doesnt even care how far ive come" "he does y/n. but hes on his own life journey" ive kept this man alive for so fucking long. it was me i did it, i prevented his death. even when draco came i prevented it. but where went snape..."professor" "im sorry y/n" i looked at him followed by dumbledore falling to the ground. "snape?" "y/n you prevented everything. your brave for getting in the way" i just looked at him. "your working hard to stop us. i appreciate it" "if you dont want to do it then why not call it off" "its not that easy y/n." i just looked at him and he just vanished. and when i looked to the stairs i saw harry and hagrid. i just looked at them with tears in my eyes. "y/n?" "i tried so hard. i tried to fight so much" "its not your fault" harry ended up hugging me while i sat there. "your the reason we can do this. your my right hand man" "harry" "yes?" "doing this is going to get me killed you understand that right?" "i do" "im going against my family. my family harry." in the end mcgonagall came up. "y/n?" i looked up at her. "you did what you could" "yeah im sure he appreciated it" harry could only do so much to comfort me. and in the end snape even hugged me. "dont die doing what your doing" snape spoke softly. "i can try" "i wont tell a soul what your doing for us" "i understand" even the boys got a little suspicious by this. "i wont fail you professor snape" "put some life back into your eyes malfoy" "yes sir understood" it was like a switch in my brain that i could turn on. act like everything was okay, i did it for so long it just came natural. and then it came the break. i was going home knowing i still had to letter everyone. harry gave me his cloak so i could hide better. and it worked. i was in there. looking at everyone i know. "its pathetic" i could hear the voice ring. "we understand but she doesnt want to my lord" my mother was backing me up. "shes a powerful asset. and your letting her choose her own path" "im sorry" "im convinced theres a rat among us. all of our plans have been thrown away by the school being prepared." it was me...im the traitor of my family. the dumbledore army which we meet at ginnys for. "we can storm the left side and release the dementors. and then we kill harry potter" i sat there listening. my shoe squeaked lightly causing everyone to look around. i was mentally punching the shit out of myself. i shuffled my ass out of there as quiet as i could. "the person is running towards the door my lord i saw a shoe" fuck you tom. "after them" before he could catch me i was already gone. i was heading straight to the weasleys. and when i got there they looked at me. "this close to being caught. they saw my shoe but not me" i looked at harry and ron. "what did they say y/n" "flood the left with dementors. and attack" even at the whole meeting they went over everything i had told them in existence. "they are trying to kill you harry" i watched him nod his head at my remark. ginny walked me halfway to my house and then i was on my own. "who could be the traitor" they were sitting there trying to figure it out. "look who it is the youngest malfoy" "fuck off tom" i looked at all of them walking past each and every single one of them. in the end i was grabbed and branded. i looked at my mother, she knew i didnt want it, she didnt want it for me. "you a killer y/n" tom whispered to me. "im not, ive never killed anyone" "i know things about you they dont even know" he smirked looking at me. i ended up storming into dracos room pulling him away from everyone. "what is it y/n" i showed him my arm. "get rid of it" "i cant y/n" he looked like he wanted to cry. and in the end i left the house in whole. "im not one of them ginny" "your one of us y/n i know. but you know they will see it" "they are still trying to figure it out. that im the traitor.." molly knew it to. she knew i wasnt the one to hurt a fly unless i had to. everyone in the army did. i was their insider. i was right everytime. and day after days of them having meetings i would sit there and listen. taking notes of plans and goals and report them back to everyone on the dumbledore army. a week went by of me doing this. and then i heard the spell i hoped to never hear. "i found your traitor my dark lord" tom spoke and now everyone was looking at me. "careful boys, shes killed before she will kill again" i could see draco ball up his fist. i watched as a wand was pointed at me. "tom" "y/n" i gave him a smile shocked to see he gave me one back. "proteigo" i watched him bounce across the room and i relapsed and ran. i even casted a spell to blow out candles leaving them in the dark. i was running my life off. and when i got to the weasley house i grabbed everyone and moved them somewhere else. "they found me" "are you okay" "i mean i flung the person who put the wand to my head. once i got them safe somewhere i told them the plans and left. i couldnt go back meaning i was a traveler. i went back to hogwarts to tell mcgonagall. "your honesty is helping us a great deal y/n" "ill do anything to not be with them" "i understand. you have to be more careful" "i have to leave. for the safety of everyone." she nodded and gave me a hug. "you survive out there" "ill try" i smiled and left. i did end up going back home after the meeting. the knocks on my door were constant. i didnt speak. i didnt breathe nothing. i made not a sound the entire night. but i woke up looking at my arm. i took the only thing i could and tried cutting it off of me. its not me, its not who i am. through the blood and the existing cuts i tried so hard to get it off. "fuck thats a vein" i spoke trying to stop it from bleeding so much. and in the end it didnt matter. i was on the floor. i felt like i couldnt move i couldnt talk. "y/n?" delphini..? "y/n are you in here. i want to show you something" i could only half see her but she say me. on the flood covered in blood. "Y/N?" shes yelling for me. not going to lie there was rope next to me so it probably didnt look the best in terms of you know staying alive. "TOM, MATTHEO, TOM. TOM HELP PLEASE" and when brought with 2 people i heard someone laughing. "shes fine" "no shes not you have to help her" "i have a meeting" "tom please" i could feel my body be lifted. "shes getting blood on me" he was complaining about his new suit getting ruined. "wait we have to tell mattheo" "do you want her alive?" "yes" "then lets go" tom actually caring is crazy. delphini sat in the backseat with me. i think. i dont know everything seems so dark. "was this a suicide attempt" "fuck if i know" "we need to know sir" "no, something happened and i guess she felt like this was the way to get it off her body" "understood" in the end tom was sitting there with me in the room. "fuck off tom" "i drove you here and thats all you say to me" "you wouldnt have if delphini didnt freak out" "you were planning on doing it yourself anyway" "i wasnt and even if i was you still wouldnt have if it wasnt for delphini" "your a traitor y/n. im helping the fucking traitor" "im a traitor because you made me tom" "i didnt make you do anything" "your father did tom. im the middle man. how am i supposed to stick by my friends and the death eaters. im choosing the safe option." "your safe with us y/n" "no im not. i never was" "you never were because you didnt let yourself be. your a strong and smart girl. you have skills that not even your friends have. you have the burning passion of 1000 men the dead shot eye of 500 dead" i looked at him. "the dark lord paired us based off skills and talents. i dont have emotion. you have a switch. and i take it no one knows who you truly are. i but do. i was there y/n. i was there with draco and your parents. they tried so hard to cover it up. and you, you sat there with a look ive never seen before. the look that still plays in my mind" he spoke more and more. "you killed that man y/n. and you didnt care. you didnt panic. you dont even remember apart from everyone telling you he was dead and it was your fault" "shut up tom. i was young im different now"  "your lying y/n. your playing a part. you suppress yourself to fit in. you have feelings just like everyone else, but yours are so much more complex. you think mattheo can handle them like i could?" "hes probably better at it then you will ever be tom. you dont care about how i feel or what i think" we were mid argument before i got released. "ill walk my happy ass back" "get in the fucking car" "yeah get in the fucking car" we both looked at delphini. "tom?" "what delphini" "y/n is gonna dye her hair" "thats a bad idea" he looked at me since i was now in the front seat. "what color" "Red" "like a natural red?" "dark crimson red" i watched him smile. "why didnt you say so" and there i was doing it and tom helping. "my hands are stained" "that happens" he almost looked happy to be helping me. and in the end we washed it off. "it looks like a fucking crime scene" i spoke looking at me. i dried my hair the way i always do. and when i left through the window i could see draco walk past my room and see the door was open. i watched his face drop upon seeing the bathroom. and then there was tom with red hands. "wheres my sister riddle" "gone" "what do you mean gone" "she left draco" "what the fuck is this" "thats blood and a rope. she saw me and dropped what she was doing to herself and ran" and pretty soon i saw everyone looking. tom just had a smile almost like he knew i was leaving it that way for a reason. i ended up taking off the bandages they hospital put on me and the bracelet on my wrist. i walked to ginny. "y/n your hair" "it helps me hide" "y/n your arm" "i missed a few spots" "you did this" "yeah" i spoke smiling. no one else was. "you wanted to get rid of the mark" hermione looked at me. "yeah but ill keep going later i mean its no big deal" "y/n" i looked at ron. "what?" ginny hugged me and i didnt even know my eyes were watery. "its not a big deal really. i had a plan" "what was your plan y/n" ron looked at me once more. "well i had a rope and if this didnt work then i was gonna" "Y/N" "what?" "did you try to kill yourself?" "what no. i" i looked around. "mattheos older brother the one who stuck the wand to my head. he took me to the hospital. the blood loss made me fall. he dyed my hair and i left" i looked at them. "y/n" "i dont know why he did. i think it was their little sister" "whos?" "mattheos and tom" "tom riddle?" i nodded. they all just looked at me. "sorry...ill leave but i just wanted to update you" "y/n?" i looked at ginnys mother. "thank you for being a mother to me miss weasley" i smiled and left. ginny chased me outside. "y/n come back in" "i shouldnt its dangerous" i gave her a hug in the end. i ended up getting the rest of the mark off with a little razor i found at the store. they have orders to kill me i know they do. so whats taking them so long. and there it was time to go back to hogwarts. no one has seen me since they saw the bathroom. i sat alone on the train there. "y/n" "hey ginny" "i got rid of it. but i keep doing it more and more i feel like its never going to go away, but im going to keep trying" i smiled at her. "please dont" "id rather have a mangled arm then i horrid mark" i smiled at her. she seemed worried .why wouldnt she be. the times are closing in, and i can only do so much. i was ordered to die. they never found me. tom didnt even know the hair color. he only saw it when it was wet. "your hair does look nice though" "i tried to be not seen" i laughed with her. so much so i watched the boys walk past me like they didnt even know me. "they seem upset" "blood bathroom with a rope and im missing to them. of course they are sad" i looked at ginny. i was able to look down. "ginny have you seen y/n" "yeah i have" "where" i ended up hitting her side. "check with my older brothers" "okay" she hit me and i looked back up. "i wouldnt say they wont hurt me. theres order to kill me ginny. i have to be safe" she just looked at me. "what about your classes." "i know more then the 7th years do." "youve advanced that much huh" "its even argumental i know more then flitwick" she laughed. and in the end i rotted in my room. "its mcgonagall let me in" i did and there she was. "you took measures" "i did professor" "i was updated. im going to lock all of you away y/n" i nodded my head. i knew it was coming and now everyone was prepared. i could feel my arm burning. i know hes trying to find me and im not letting that happen. i would stay in my bubble for as long as possible. hours at a time even. i knew i had to. and i still stayed there cutting up every thingle line of the mark trying to erase it. i never wanted to clean the blood it created. i would hide. draco would walk in and see the blood become more and more. "y/n i know your here somewhere" i kept quiet. "im not going to hurt you. none of us are. please come out" he was crying, real tears. my emotionless brother crying. "draco" i whispered. "y/n?" all i could do was sit behind the cloak at the top of my dresser looking at him. "just...tell me your okay. the amount of blood i see says other wise" "im fine" "then why wont you stop hiding. we arent going to hurt you. please y/n. i just want a hug or to see you again." "promise?" "promise and if i break it kill me." i got down off the dresser and removed the cloak. he ended up running to me and slamming us both onto the ground in a hug. "you changed your hair" "yeah" "so tom didnt kill you" "he didnt" "did he help" "against my will. he took me to the hospital with delphini after she started crying." i looked at him. "your eyes are tired and lifeless y/n" "ive been running for awhile. and i havent been sleeping" "mother isnt letting a soul touch you and neither is snape. the noseless man as you call him, he stopped trying to find you when no one could" i looked into dracos eyes. "your telling the truth." "why would i lie to you." "i dont know" "where are you bleeding y/n" "what do you mean" "i touched you and now my hand is covered" "its our little secret" i smiled at him. "tell me you werent going to kill yourself in the bathroom" "it wasnt the intent but if it happened then it would be on my own terms" he seemed upset by my words. all he wanted to do was hug me. i was careful to never fully touch the mark for the fear i could call the noseless man to me. "im going to change and wash the blood off of me. and then ill come back with food" he looked at me. i ended up going back to my perch and he was gone. "i found her" "where is she" "safe, she doesnt trust anyone" "we wont hurt her" "she still thought i would" "why are you all bloody" "because shes all bloody" "you said she was fine" "shes fine in terms of alive theo" "but shes hurt then" "shes still alive mattheo" i watched them walk into my room. "theres more blood" theo spoke looking at mattheo. "we know shes here sometime in the day or night." mattheo spoke looking at theo. "where do you think she is?" "i dont know" "you cant beat yourself up mattheo" "well now im less mad at my brother. but even delphini said she was alive but she thought she was dead" "attempted suicide maybe" "i dont want to hear that theo" "i dont think any of us do. but seeing the blood and the rope mattheo" "i didnt know she was so upset" "tom said she was hurting herself when he saw her" "i dont want to think about it" both of them looked like shit. tired, upset. "she doesnt want to be found theo" "but we know shes fine. so do we stop looking" "if she hasnt been found i know shes keeping herself safe. better then we ever could mattheo" "doesnt mean i dont want to help keep her safe" i watched mattheo look back at the bathroom. it wasnt hard to make myself bleed so when i did. i threw a couple drops on them. i watched them smile. they knew that was my way of telling them im okay without giving myself away. "shes still bleeding" "yeah but, shes not going to come out" "y/n i have food" i watched draco bring in a plate. "what did i tell you" draco was looking at them. i had already gotten down and grabbed the sandwich. "why did you only bring 3 draco" "i brought 4 slices. what the hell" i could see them all smiling. i had ended up sitting on the desk next to my bed with the plate next to me. "enzo?" "what draco"  man even he looked like shit. blaise to. "draco i dont think we are ever gonna find her" "i think your sister is long gone by now draco im sorry" "we failed to keep her safe" i watched enzo start crying. "i promised y/n that if i ever had to hurt her, i would kill myself or she would kill me" draco looked at them. "pact it right now" draco looked around at everyone. they did. they vowed that if they ever had to hurt me that they would die. "draco all the sandwiches are gone" theo spoke grabbing the plate. "who ate it?" blaise spoke looking around. i had managed to pass them and get rid of more mark on my arm. "theres a blood drip in the bathroom" enzo spoke. and then they all started freaking out when the sink turned on and shut me in the bathroom, when i opened the door they started screaming again. which only earned me to flick more blood at them. "THE GHOST IS BLEEDING" enzo yelled jumping onto my bed like it was a fucking spider. i went back to my perch. "y/n" draco was trying not to make it known that he knew where i was. "your going to knock okay 1 for yes 2 for no" i knocked once. everyone seemed shocked. "do you trust us" i knocked 3 times. "will you come out" knock knock. "are you okay" knock. "are you bleeding" knock. "were you just in the bathroom" knock. "she's invisible" knock. "were the sandwiches good" knock. "do you think we want to kill you" knock. "well fuck." "how the hell do we get around it" "draco" i spoke softly. "yeah?" everyone went quiet. "i have to pee can everyone leave" and everyone did. i got down and went to the bathroom. "we made the pack y/n" "i need a new shirt." "why" once i stepped out without a jacket my whole shirt was covered in blood. "do you think it will come out?" "i think it will." once i changed i handed my shirt to draco and got back to my perch. once draco opened the door everyone saw the shirt. "where did you get that" "she handed it to me" "its warm" blaise spoke feeling it. "theres so much blood" "theres no way to tell where its coming from i mean its all over the shirt." i ended up getting off the dresser and pushing draco to his room. "im going" he spoke. he seemed happier to know i was somewhat okay. "wash it away" i spoke to him. i even poked my head out. "you know. that color looks good on you y/n" "does it really?" "yeah" we ended up walking back and everyone was looking for me. "theres a red hair?" "you think its blood" "you think shes had company" "y/n" i looked to draco. "come out please" when i did i held my wand. i watched all of their faces smile. and for once after 2 weeks of not knowing where i was they changed. they wanted nothing more then to be with me all the time. "ironic" i spoke looking at them. "what?" "you wanted nothing more then to stay away from me. and here you all are" "its not what you think it is y/n" enzo started speaking."im waiting for an explanation" they didnt like the sudden change of tone my voice had in it.but after weeks of only being able to talk like that its going to be hard to change. "we didnt want to scare you with the mark" and so be it everyone had rolled up their sleeves. "thats not a good reason. i wouldn't be scared" "then why are you hiding?" "shes a traitor enzo. she had the mark and betrayed the death eaters" "you have the mark?" mattheo looked at me. "its complicated" i looked back at him. "and your hair" blaise spoke touching it. "toms hands mattheo" theo looked at him. "theres no way in hell tom would help y/n dye her hair" me and draco both looked at mattheo. "okay i need a step by step explanation" i elbowed draco. "so we all remember the blood and the rope. welllll y/n was hurting herself but not with the intent of death but rather" "getting rid of impurities and imperfections" i cut off draco "yeah, but the bathtub was dye and so were toms hands" they were waiting for more detail. "i was doing what i was doing. i ended up falling from blood loss, delphini found me went searching for someone. and tom was going to leave me but delphini started crying and he took me to the hospital. oh and he knows to much bout me. gonna have to do something about that. but he took me back. delphini told him i was dying my hair and he helped. i left after that. before it dried fully" "i dont understand why tom would help even with orders to hunt and kill" mattheo looked at me and draco. "he wants y/n on his team. and she cant be if shes dead" draco looked at him. "but why would tom want y/n" "she just told you he knows to much. he knows what shes capable of. something no one else does" draco looked at them. "y/n fix your eyes" i didnt realize they sunk in a little. "flipped" i spoke changing my whole demeanor which ended up freaking out the boys. "what the fuck" "how the hell" "draco what the fuck" i just looked at them with the regular look they see. "so now" "your tone" i cleared my throat some. "yeah it's not gonna work" draco ended up punching me in the throat. "you son of a bitch" "i fixed it" he smiled at me. it was fun until i threw a book at him. "she has our mothers eyes. the big doe siren type of eyes" draco looked at them. "you usually see life and happiness. but since shes hiding and shit shes controlling her emotions earning the deep dark look" i only winked at enzo which caused him to scream. "tom wants her emotional instability mattheo" draco looked at him. "im cold" i spoke earning draco to throw a blanket on me. "you missed a week of school you want your work now or later" i looked to blaise. "blaise, i test at a above year 7 level" he looked shocked much like everyone else did. "i study its not my fault" "that was the most emotion shes showed since we started talking" theo looked at me. "but i dont see blood" i ended up reaching into my shirt and flinging more at them. "we cant see it" "so shes hiding the fact shes hurt" "im not hurt if im still alive" "thats not the right mindset y/n" draco looked at me. "umbridge is roaming the halls which sucks" enzo spoke looking at me. "she keeps asking mattheo where you are" "and?" "he hasnt known up until now. the school found out you went missing and thats all they know" "mcgonagall knows where ive been the whole time" they all looked at me shocked. and in the end they all left apart from mattheo. "i think your brother has a thing for me" "i wouldnt be surprised if he helped instead of killing you" i looked at him. "i missed you" i just stayed quiet holding up a 2. he ended up hugging me only to get more blood all over hsi shirt. "it should have stopped sorry." "where are you hurt y/n" i shook my head no. the last person i told they didnt take it well. the weasleys were really upset. i cant put another person through my mind enough for them to get it. "y/n" "i cant mattheo" "what happened" "i did what i did. and it affected someone. i cant stop now." "are you still hurting yourself?" i just looked down. and in the end draco ended back up in the room. "i know what your doing y/n" i looked at draco. "its never going to go away" "i can try draco, let me try" "how well is it working?" "pretty well" when draco lifted his sleeve i could see the cuts and scratches. "draco" "y/n" "your not allowed to be doing that" "why not" "your the golden child" "and your the rebel" "dont hurt yourself" "i dont want to do this anymore y/n trust me i dont" "but you did even after i told you not to" "i didnt know what it was really about i was following the footsteps." "i told you what it was draco" "and i didnt listen" "exactly" "stop hurting yourself y/n" he looked at me. i watched mattheo lift up my shirt to look at my side. "theres no cuts" mattheo spoke looking at draco. "its on her arm. but i wouldnt look i dont know how extensive it looks" draco looked back at mattheo. the second mattheo touched my arm is the seconds i pulled it away. "she never knows when to stop when she gets into her moods. considering there hasnt been a middle man its just been her. i dont even know what to expect" i looked at draco. "need to change?" "tom saw didnt he?" "dont bring tom over here" "im not. just a little letter" once we got one back mattheo read it. 'if its so important, it was bad. never ending to the point she nicked a vein. it was deep and repeated. but i doubt your going to find her' mattheo looked at draco who ended up dragging me into the bathroom. and when he pulled up my sleeve he sat there. "WHAT THE FUCK Y/N" he yelled only earning mattheo to try and open the locked door. "you really dont want to see" "its not that bad" "y/n its horrible. i cant even tell whats a cut or your actual skin. where the fuck is your mark" he looked up at me. "its gone. im still trying to kill the rest" he ran my arm under the water to wash away a majority of the blood. and draco ended up taking off half the shirt and leaving the other half on so he could actually see what the fuck he was looking at. i sat there looking at him. and when he was finally done he wrapped it in a towel and walked me to get a new shirt. "mattheo look away" "i dont want to." draco looked at me and i shook my head no. "she doesnt want you to get upset." "why cant i see" i whispered what happened into dracos ear. "ginny freaked out and got really upset and since then she doesnt want anyone else to look at her." draco explained. "y/n please" "youll get upset" "i promise i will try not to" "fine. it doesnt matter anyway" when draco took off the towel could hear mattheo gasp almost before covering his mouth, when i looked at him he smiled. "here" draco handed me a shirt and i put it on. i ended up going to bed after that. i was to tired to fuck with it anymore. but since i had been sleeping in a cloak to cover myself draco ended up sleeping on the floor and mattheo next to me. apart from the single arm he put around me.