Regulus Black Stories

I'd Search the Depths (P1)

Info - depressed reader, touch and attention starved reader, selfharm, eating disorder, reader who wants to be popular, negligent parents, hopeless romantic, closeted pan reader, canon wolfstar, Tonks as a surrogate, lonely reader, scorose canon, dead regulus, 2nd gen Hogwarts, Sirius and Remus survived the war but Peter and James didn't, mention of Horcruxes, mention of students being pedophilic, cheating, plus sized reader, chronic headaches, Hermione is a POC, Rose is mixed, mention of black fishing

Potter, Weasley, Lupin, Malfoy.

Potter, Weasley, Lupin, Malfoy.

Potter Weasley, Lupin, Malfoy.

My last name was not Potter or Weasley or Lupin or Malfoy, and that was my lifelong woe. For so long all I'd wanted was attention. I knew it made me horrible but I could've cried over how little interaction I got. My parents were extremely in love which meant they only focused on each other I often worried I was a mistake and they resented me. They said they didn't but they went on many week long vacations together and never brought me or sent me letters at school.

I'd made friends with Rose Weasley because she was nerdy like me. I felt like I'd had a crush on nearly all her relatives with pretty much none of them working out. First year it was Teddy Lupin. He wasn't technically her relative, but she acted as if he was. He was the son of Remus and Sirius Lupin. However, a woman named Nymphadora Tonks had been their surrogate so Teddy was a Metamorphmagus.

How many hours had I spent writing in my diary about how he could change his hair to any color he wanted and looked gorgeous in every color. Half way through the first year I'd switched to being obsessed with Roxanne Weasley. She'd been my first female crush. I'd had a panic attack when I realized I wasn't straight, I was pansexual. I painted myself as a tragic heroine in love with a girl who knew she was queer but was trapped by her evil boyfriend Teddy. In the end my imagination ran away with me and I felt so horrible.

Year two it was James Potter. He went by JP but I called him James in my mind because I imagined we'd be so close one day I could do it. He's was so charismatic. Then it was Lily Potter the hottest girl in second year. She had even older years salivating over her which was obviously gross but she was a hot commodity. For the first time in my romantic history, Lily actually showed an interest in me. She was technically dating Lysander Scamander, but she'd kiss me in the library and I'd cry with desperation.

Lily Potter was the first person I cut over. I was in the bathtub and I remembered a cutting spell we'd been taught in DADA, and used it on my wrist. It didn't help. I wanted the rough pain. I found a muggle razor easily and jimmied the blade out. The slice of my wrists had felt so good I'd immediately been addicted.

Third year, third year had been the year I noticed how the girls around me had such small bodies. I didn't. I was curvy, that was a generous word my parents used or voluptuous. The words I used in my head were heavy, disgusting, elephant, or unlovable. It was why I stopped eating as much and threw up what I ate normally. To my disappointment, no one had noticed. I didn't have any care or sympathy. Not even from the teachers who liked me the most, they didn't notice me drowning and it made me furious. They were supposed to look out for me. Third year I didn't feel worthy of anyone.

Fourth year I decided I was a desperate romantic and maybe if I was good enough I'd find someone who loved me. That year I counted one hundred cuts on my thighs and twenty five cuts on each wrist, and that was every several days. I loved Albus Potter that year, but he turned out to be gay. It gave me hope. Maybe it was okay if I liked girls and boys and everyone.

Fifth year I loved no one. I was consumed with self hatred. I was hardly eating and as before what I did eat I puked up. I was mad no one noticed. I was rage filled. I started to love the scars and fresh marks of pain on my body. I deserved them, I was so hopelessly pitiful. No one knew I existed but Rose and Rose was all consumed with her hatred for Scorpius Malfoy. It was just about all she could talk about. I listened through my new chronic headaches.

Sixth year I fell for the charm of Fred Weasley the second and even told Rose. She was disgusted I liked her cousin. She however, held a secret from me. I was hurt when I found out she and Scorpius Malfoy had been secretly seeing one another. It was near the end of the when I found out with the rest of the school. I felt betrayed not to know sooner than everyone else.

With that Rose became popular. She'd always had the chance, being the child of two of the Golden Trio who saved the world. She'd never taken to it like I would have instantly. However, dating notorious Scorpius Malfoy made you popular automatically. Soon girls were copying her wild curls, dying their hair red, painting on her freckles. To our horror we'd even seen white girls wearing dark tanner to copy her tawny skin tone.

I'd hardly seen her this summer, hardly had human interaction this summer, and I'd fallen deeper into a depression. Now it was seventh year and I felt hopeless, like my time at Hogwarts had been pointless. All I had to show for it was sadness, well, and near perfect marks. But who cares about that? Rose's uncle Harry and her father had gotten less than stellar marks and were accomplished Aurors.

That all changed on the train ride to Hogwarts. I was Prefect and Head Girl. I was in the train compartment feeling small. No one else was here.

"Hello darling," Rose pushed her way into the compartment.

"Rose! You're sitting with me?" I asked.

"I was with Scorp all summer," she waved. My heart cracked a bit but I stayed smiling.

"How was your summer?" She asked. I pulled my sleeve over my ravaged wrist worriedly.

"Good, and yours?"

"Heavenly," she swooned.

"I'm glad," I choked out.

"Hellu all," said Albus Potter as he entered the compartment.

"Y/n, you look so pale, didn't you get any sun this summer?" Albus asked and I blushed.

"Not a very kind observation Al," snapped Rose. Rose was very close with her cousin. Albus was known for his witty and sarcastic remarks, a trait his father had passed down.

"Fine, I'll say something kind," he mused.

"You're probably the first person to be a prefect, Head of house, no detentions, and top marks since Regulus Black if uncle Siri is to be believed," he commented.

The name sent a thrill through me. I sat up straighter.

"Who is that?"

"You don't know?" Asked Rose.

"No, I've never heard that name before."

"I thought you were meant to be smart," Albus said.

"Albus!" Snapped Rose. She turned to me kindly.

"Our uncle Sirius. He had a younger brother. Everyone thought he was a death eater, a bad one, but mum, dad, and Uncle Harry found out he was a traitor for the good side. He was the first to know about the Horcruxes. There were seven as you know, but he figured out about one of them. He sacrificed his life to steal it."

"Wow, that's admirable."

"He had like no friends and his family hated him. He still did what was good though. I wish I could've met him," Rose said wistfully.

"Yeah," I murmured as a door opened in my mind and possibilities bloomed. Maybe there was someone like me after all.