Goodbye Kiss

54. A Thousand Cranes

A Thousand Cranes
Season 9 x 16
March, 2003:

"gianna, can i talk to you?" carter asked
he sat on the couch in the lounge, scribbling into charts.
i was making a pot of coffee.
"sure?" i shrugged, leaning against the countertop.
to be honest, i was kind of hesitant.
"you know, we kind of moved on from each other quickly"
i put the pot of coffee down and looked at him.
"what are you trying to say?"
he tilted his head
"you're happy with luka, right?"
i raised an eyebrow "do you have a problem with him and i?"
"no, i'm glad you're okay"
"gamma won't leave me alone" he smiled
"she wants to know about me?"
he nodded his head
i felt a lot better after he said that.
"you know i'm sorry for how i handled our relationship, right?"
i rolled my eyes
"i was and still am kind of pissed at you"
"but, from what i can see you're doing okay"
"i think it's definitely for the best" i laughed
"i love luka more than anything"
he reached into his locker and pulled something out.
"i think i'm gonna propose"
my eyes went wide.
"i just wanted an outside opinion on it" he said, shrugging his shoulders.
"just to make sure i'm not crazy"
"i don't really know what goes on between you two to be honest" i shrugged
"you seem happy"
"i am happy"
"can i see?"
he opened the blue box. jesus christ that was one diamond.
"wow" i groaned
"i mean if you want my blessing or something,  i'd say go for it"
"thank you, gianna"
"don't thank me"
"congratulations, john" i smiled

luka was outside, sitting on the ledge of an ambulance.
i stood next to him and rubbed his back.
"you doing okay?"
"just need some fresh air"
"weaver is making me go to see a shrink"
"she told me" i sighed
"i'm sorry, luka"
"i just don't get why people need to be apart of my business"
"i'm happy"
"you make me happy" he added
"i know"
"hey, it's gonna be okay"
——
a murder had gone on at doc magoos. three of four people were killed.
so, let's just say, the er was busy.
"you're here early" i smiled, walking down the hallway.
abby had come in before her shift started.
"yeah, i heard about the shooting"
"three of them are in the morgue" i sighed
"hey, g, can you get this to the trauma room?"
chuny handed me two bags of o neg.
i walked them over to the patient
"i got the o neg" i smiled
"right on the infuser" chen said
i hooked them on the iv poles and attached them to the machine.
then, i went back in the hallway
"mr, florence, it's time to admit you upstairs to urology" i grinned
"about time"
"i know" i panted, setting out a wheelchair for him.
"you're that excited to get out of here, though?"
"yeah" he cackled
"alright, i guess i wasn't fun enough" i frowned, pushing his chair toward the elevator
"it's weird down here"
"sometimes weird is good"
——
after a couple more hours working in the er, i was off.
"goodnight everyone" i smiled
"not nighttime yet" pratt laughed
"close enough" i shrugged
"you still okay?" i asked luka he was now changed out of his bloody lab coat and in scrubs. the whole stabbing freaked him out even more. i don't blame him since he and chen were the ones to find the bodies.
"yeah" he smiled
i could tell he wanted to get out of this place, too.
"i'll see at home, okay?"
"an hour more to go, huh?"
"yeah" he smiled
i squeezed his hand and walked back outside.
——
i rolled over in bed and looked at luka.
"you wanna talk about it?"
he had just ended his shift, and immediately came into bed.
he loosened his tie, unbuttoning part of his shirt.
"i'm here to listen"
he laid his head on his pillow, looking at the ceiling.
"when i work, i don't feel anything anymore"
"the reason i chose medicine was because you don't need a deep connection"
"you treat and street"
"there's no strings attached" he whispered
"i look at people so closely"
"everyday"
"at the end of the day, it's over though"
"you move on"
"i get up and do it all again"
"that's everyday, for a lot of people" i whispered
"i don't want it to be like that"
"i want to feel like i'm doing something again"
he turned to lay on his back, looking at the ceiling.
"i feel like i'm incapable of making connections with people"
"i feel like i won't ever be able to feel anything"
"that's not true"
"even if it feels like that now, who says that's going to be your life?" i whispered
he was silent
"do you feel anything with me?"
he flipped on his side again, not saying anything.
"we have a connection, don't we?"
he nodded his head.
"i feel a lot when i'm with you"
"but i'm afraid that will change"
"i'm afraid that will become a routine"
"i great so many people, but i don't feel anything anymore"
"and what if that happens with you?"
"what if i get home and we only sleep together out of necessity"
"we do intimate things because we feel like we need to not because we want to"
i tilted my head
"i feel everything when i'm with you"
"right now, i don't want that to ever change"
"and as long as i believe that, i don't think it will ever get lost" i smiled
"whatever you're feeling will pass, luka"
"i don't know" he mumbled
i looked into both of his eyes. he didn't say anything else.
"gianna, i'm sorry"
"why?"
"i love you, i don't want it to seem like i'm not happy when i'm with you"
"i didn't think you were unhappy with me" i smiled
"i've lost everything i had in my life before"
"and i'm terrified of losing you"
"well, i'm not going anywhere"
"because i love you with my whole entire being"
"nothing about that is changing"