Goodbye Kiss

61. Now What?

Now What?
Season 10 x 01
Late June/Early July, 2003:

it was a couple weeks later.
the ER still was a mess and it was still hot outside. maybe even hotter than before. god, the hot part of the summer was only starting.
"how're you doing?" susan smiled
i rolled my eyes "just great"
"missing luka?" she sighed
"yeah, what else is new"
"new med students today"
"god, already" i groaned
i walked over to the storage shelves and bent down with a box in my hand. i stocked up.
"psst" a voice said
i stood up
"carter" i said, confused
"you're back?" i smiled
"yeah, god tired of being heroic" he grinned
"i'm kidding" he whispered
"how's gillian?" i smirked
"she's back saving lives"
"really great lady" he whispered, raising his eyebrows
"you sounded happy with her"
"she was fun"
i let out a cackle
"have you spoken to abby yet?"
"i went to her apartment last night, but other than that, no"
"i'm slightly avoiding" he whispered
"i thinks he is, too"
i nodded my head
"where's luka?"
"still working the clinic"
i was kind of sad to be honest.
"when will he be back?"
"he doesn't know" he smiled
"that's reassuring" i groaned
"he loves you and misses you"
i smiled "i'm sure he does"
"hell, i do too" i sighed
i bent down again and piled the saline bags on top of each other.
"so, how was it?"
"interesting"
"great, but heartbreaking at the same time"
"lukas doing great if you're wondering"
"he's-"
"doing amazing"
"it's good to see you, carter" i smiled
"yeah, welcome back, huh?"
"welcome back" i cheesily grinned
——
i was at the admit desk looking over a few charts when a girl approached me.
"i'm neela rasgotra"
she stuck out her hand for me to shake
"you're the new med student?" i asked
she nodded her head
"i'm gianna coletti" i smiled
"i'm the nurse manager down here"
"is there a dr. carter around?"
"ahh, yes fresh out of the congo"
she made a confused face at me.
"nevermind" i smiled, waving my hand in the air
"let's go find him"
i walked down the trauma rooms and through the exam rooms, nothing.
"well, these are the trauma rooms and the exam rooms"
"no carter yet, though"
"hey, malik" i shouted
"seen carter?"
"curtain two" he nodded
i walked around to the curtain area
"hey, carter, we have your new med student"
"oh, alright"
"see you later ms. neela" i smiled, wandering back down the hall.
———
"are you okay, gianna?" chuny asked
"i'm fine" i shrugged
she looked at me with a sad face.
"what?" i laughed
i shook my head and walked off to the drug lockup for some lidocaine.
lidocaine, lidocaine, lidocaine.
where the hell was it?
that's when i overheard carter and abby talking to each other.
"you told me she was asking about him this morning!"
"gianna deserves to know" abby whispered
"not yet, not until we know for sure"
"isn't that phone call enough?"
i turned the corner
"what's up with everyone?" i smiled
however, that smile quickly disappeared when i saw their expressions.
"what?" i asked
suddenly, i had this pit in my stomach.
"tell me" i said, sternly.
the expression wiped off my face, i no longer knew how to feel.
"we got a phone call" abby said
"it was from africa-"
carter shook his head
"luka's dead, gianna"
my heart sank.
then again, i didn't really process that i just heard.
"there's got to be something wrong" i smiled, in shock.
"i'm gonna go look for him" carter said
"you're what?" abby scoffed
i stood there in silence.
everything sort of froze. it was like i couldn't move, hear or see anything.
i managed to run down the hallway, though.
"gianna, wait" i heard a voice said
by the time i got outside it felt like i was suffocating.
i couldn't breathe at all.
my chest cave in and rose quickly.
i walked around the block some more until i sat on the curb.
that's when it all let out. tears flooded out of my eyes.
i didn't know what to feel though.
luka, dead?
——
it was a couple hours later.
i didn't tell my mom or any of my family about luka even though i thought i would.
i sat in the hospitals chapel.
i grew up catholic. spent a lot of my life in church and surrounded around religious people. i go to mass every christmas but i lost time to go.
for the first time in a few months, i prayed. i begged god to make sure luka was alive. i begged for forgiveness. i knew my faith in god had dissolved, and i was no deserving believer. i've done a lot in my life, we've all sinned, but i begged god for this to be a mistake. my job is to show up here everyday and help people, this punishment can't be worth it, it can't be true or deserving.
i heard the door of the chapel creek open.
pratt sat down next to me.
"heard about kovac" he whispered,
i looked at him. when he saw my puffy face, he wrapped an arm around my shoulders.
"deep down inside i didn't want him to go to africa" i smiled
"i was so scared something like this would happen"
a tear fell onto my pants
"but he was so excited and passionate about it"
"if it made him happy, i was willing to put all my feelings aside"
"because you love him" pratt whispered
"i do"
"i really do"
i let out a sigh
"i don't know what to do" i shrugged
"you should go home"
i shook my head "i have a shift to finish"