Goodbye Kiss

66. Free Fall

Free Fall
Season 10 x 08
November, 2003:

i sat on a bench in the ambulance bay, the wind went through my hair.
"aren't you cold out here?" luka smiled, sitting next to me.
"no, the breeze feels good" i smiled
"i've hardly seen you today" he whispered
"yeah, i've been busy"
"heard about that end stage lady"
"yeah, pretty sad" i nodded
"do you want to talk about us?"
"i guess"
"i mean, i've thought about it a lot but it also feels like i haven't gotten anywhere with it"
"you know how i feel about it"
"i support you in no matter what you decide" he added
i nodded my head, then looked back up at him.
"it's not that i don't want a baby"
"i've wanted a baby since i can remember" i smiled
"i'm just scared"
"what're you scared of?"
"i don't know" i shrugged
"i'm 29, i shouldn't be" i smiled
"don't say that"
"i don't know what i'm scared of"
"i'm scared of being pregnant"
"i'm scared of being a mother"
i shook my head,
"is this something you are wanting?"
"is it something you and i want in our lives?"
he was silent.
"i just want to make sure this is going to work"
"if you chose to have a baby, i will be here to support you"
"to love you"
"and if you chose to not have a baby, i will love you too"
i nodded my head.
"i'm not going anywhere, gianna"
i looked down at my hands.
"am i crazy for being scared?"
i turned my head back up to look at him.
"no"
"i know that this is different"
"and our relationship feels weird right now"
"but i'm not a stranger"
"i love you"
i scooted closer to him, he wrapped an arm around me, i put my head on his shoulder.
"i love you, too"
"i know everything seems scary right now, but it's going to be okay" he whispered
i nodded my head, letting out another breath.
"it's nearly 3 in the morning, let's go home"
"okay"

Today:
it had been two weeks had passed by since i found out i was pregnant.
there were many long conversations with luka. after thinking and talking, i decided to keep the baby.
i'm 29, lukas 30 and it didn't seem that unrealistic after all.
anyways, it was thanksgiving and my whole family knew about the baby. in fact, luka and i had to go over for dinner later tonight.
"how're you feeling?" luka whispered as i walked down the hall.
"the smell of that food out there is making me nauseous"
the annual ER thanksgiving potluck. tons of food sitting out on the admit desk.. smelling the whole place up.
"why don't you sit down"
"i just might" i nodded
i slid my way down to the floor of the drug lockup and rested my head against the wall.
"do you think we're doing the right thing?"
"what?" he asked
"keeping it" i whispered
he leaned against the wall "you're having second thoughts?"
"no"
"i'm not crazy, am i?"
"no" he smiled
"i love you" he added
"i love you, too"
"i'm gonna stay here for a bit"
"you should" he nodded
"i have a rectal exam to observe"
"good luck with that"
——
"finally getting some sleep i see" susan smiled
"god, i've been here for twenty minutes"
"your secret is safe with me" she smiled
"god, why didn't luka wake me or something"
"you should be glad he didn't"
susan let out a yawn "you know, i'm tired too"
"we can swap places" i shrugged
she sat down next to me
"that food out there is grossing me out"
"me too" i sighed
"it's not very hygienic"
"no"
"gianna" lily sighed
"oh yeah, i forgot to tell her" susan said
"what?"
she leaned against the glass,
"we need you to cover tonight"
i shook my head "i can't"
"well sam can't, and we can't"
"i have family dinner"
"please?"
i rubbed my eyes
"can i think about it?"
"sure" she shrugged
"i better get back out there or i never will" i sighed
"if anyone needs me, i'm on the floor in here"
"sounds good" i nodded